The Noah Diaries 2011: (31) Afterword -- What we learned from (or because of) Republicans this year. Plus: Quote of the Year revealed!

"Bill Burton did what every normal person should do when confronted with the nonstop lunacy and the nonstop lies of your typical Republican. He threw it right back into Porky’s face."

by Noah

I. QUOTE OF THE YEAR:
We have a winner!

It was close, but there can only be one winner. I’m not one of those "Every player gets a trophy" guys. In my world, also known as reality, there are winners and there are losers, and both kids and adults need to learn this. Besides, losing can build character. Well, except with Republicans, of course. When they lose, they just get even meaner and even more sociopathic. With that in mind, I’m loving the fact that the person to whom I am giving the Quote of the Year title is not your typical nihilistic Republican, but a Democrat who spoke the truth.

I could have gone the other way, like choosing Ann Coulter for her "Our blacks are so much better than their blacks" utterance [see 11/2]. Her use of the possessive "our" is very revealing. That is the Republican mindset when it comes to African-Americans: ownership, or at least the wish to own. But the Coultergeist statement is an ordinary quote from her bitter, pathetic inner little child, the one who got pelted with a few chalk-filled erasers in elementary school and can’t move on.

I also considered Newt Gingrich’s dog-whistle racism of referring to President Obama as the "food stamp president" [see 5/17]. Note to Repugs: The majority of food stamps are used by Caucasians, especially rural Caucasians. But truth be damned when you want to spread your hate, eh, Newt?

There were so many deserving nominees! But the person I settled on was former Obama White House spokesman Bill Burton for his fab TV takedown [see the clip above] of one of this era’s more evil figures, Karl Rove [see 8/22]. Burton even did it on enemy territory, as he went on FOX and was subjected to a mountain of total Rovian bullcrap about how President Obama is rigid and unwilling to work with Republicans and wasn’t trying to create jobs, when in fact Obama has been way too nice and way too tolerant.

Bill Burton did what every normal person should do when confronted with the nonstop lunacy and the nonstop lies of your typical Republican. He threw it right back into Porky’s face:

I appreciate that you have an opinion on this, Karl. But as someone who was a leader in the White House that turned a record surplus into a deficit, that got us involved in a war that we never should have been in, and turned the floor of the New York Stock exchange into a casino, I don’t think the American people are quite ready to hear a lecture from you on good governance.

Burton led by example and got to the core of how injurious the Republicans have been to everyone in the world other than their 1% cronies. He spoke truth to scum, just as the wonderful Alan Grayson [also nominated -- see 10/11] does. Burton had no time and no tolerance for Rove’s sickening spew. 2012 will give us plenty more from the toxic vermin of the Republican Party. There is no point in trying to be nice.

II. WHAT WE LEARNED FROM
(or because of)
REPUBLICANS THIS YEAR

Special "Unhealthy Obsession with Gayness" section:

1. When birds fall from the sky, it’s because God hates gays.

2. When fish fall from the sky, it’s because God hates gays.

3. Tornados? GAYS!

4. Hurricanes? DITTO!

5. Space debris? Probably.

6. Meteors? Yeah, I guess so. Oh wait, maybe that’s the fault of the poor.

7. Watching Chaz Bono on Dancing with the Stars will turn your child gay, and maybe even cause a request for a sex-change operation for Christmas. I don’t know about you, but I think watching Repug-approved programming like Liberace may be more perilous (in so many ways), and watching Dancing with the Stars would turn me into a homicidal maniac. Any child who saw Dick Armey doing his best Elaine Benes impersonation on this wretched excuse for entertainment is probably in need of drastic shock therapy.

8. Masturbation will turn you gay. (I’m not sure if they think it works this way for women too.)

9. God says Republicans should help Nigeria kill its gay population.

10. You can pray away the gay, but, well, let’s face it, you can’t pray away the stupid -- or flat-out insanity either.

What else? Well . . .

11. We also learned that ruining the economy and destroying our country is not too steep a price to pay for getting the Marxist Socialist Communist Fascist Kenyan Muslim you-know-what out of the White House.

12. Donald Trump’s "hair" is not a member of any known food group or species.

13. You don’t need a sanity clause.

14. No one from Texas should ever be allowed to run for president again. In fact, since so many of them don’t like being in America, we should give them back to Mexico and let Texans see how they like things then. The problem with my idea, though, is that the Mexicans would never want Texas the way it is now -- i.e., filled with Texans. So what do we do with them? Execute them?

15. Prayer solves every problem, but if you don’t have a job, it’s your fault.

16. Mitt Romney has a history of creating jobs. I’m not sure what alternate universe this happened in, since in this world he made his fortune shutting companies down and firing people, all while never mussing his hair. He is -- the Job Assassin.

17. Abortion is murder, but execution saves lives.


18. Masturbation is still murder. (I had three chicken eggs for breakfast. Does that mean that I murdered three chickens, and all the chickens that would have been the offspring of the three?)

19. There were no terror attacks on Bush’s watch. I know this to be true. I saw it on FOX; Hannity’s show, to be specific.

20. Fracked water is delicious and nutritious, especially when served as water flambé.

21. Contraceptives are murder weapons. So I have to ask: Are Republicans putting penis clauses in all of that concealed-weapons legislation of theirs?

22. Home schooling is the answer to overcrowded classes. Actually, it might be good if Republican kids were all home-schooled. It would solve the problem of overcrowded classrooms, and normal children would not be exposed to their depressing mental delusions. Would this home-schooling thing damage Republican children? No, the poor things are already a lost cause. An air of sanity would also be restored to PTA meetings and school-board meetings. It's a no-brainer.

23. Entitlement only applies to the top 1% and banksters, and accountability does not apply to them. The opposite is true for the rest of us.

24. Shared sacrifice is for suckers.

25. God takes time out from his busy schedule to tell Republicans to run for office.

26. God has a very strange sense of humor.

27. If any of the Republicans become president, of anything, there is no God.

28. Slavery was beneficial to African-American families, and presumably would be so again. Special thanks to Representative Bachmann for taking time out from her special little world to inform us about this.

29. When you or I accept money from the government, that’s socialism. When Republicans accept farm subsidies and grants for their "ministries," and Big Oil accepts subsidies, and banks accept bailouts, it’s not socialism.

30. Concepts like health-insurance reform and an individual mandate are fine when proposed by a Republican like Richard Nixon but not when proposed by an African-American Democratic president. Then it’s the stuff of a guy who is either a witch doctor with a bone in his nose or a fascist who looks an awful lot like Hitler. Likewise, the DREAM Act was fine when Senator McCain sponsored it, but now that Democrats are pushing it, even McCain has flip-flopped and voted against it. (Rachel Maddow suggested: "In America Today, Republican President Dwight D. Eisenhower Would Be Bernie Sanders in the U.S. Senate.")

31. It’s OK for Texas Governor Rick Perry to mandate that girls of a certain age be forced to have an injection of an HPV vaccine. Funny how we haven’t seen any pictures of Perry with a bone in his nose. Now why would that be?

32. The vaccine for the HPV virus can cause mental retardation. I’m not sure how Republicans would know this.

33. Union members are un-American, unless they play for professional sports teams. Then we cheer them and wear their jerseys. (Pictured at right: the Oklahoma City Thunder's Nazr Mohammed.)

34. Muslims are un-American and should be deported, unless they play for professional sports teams. Then we cheer them and wear their jerseys.

35. Carbon dioxide is not harmful to children.

36. A little radiation, or a lot, never hurt anyone.

37. The redistribution of wealth upward is good. Economic and tax fairness is bad, bad, bad.

38. The prison business is the business of the future, especially if you can follow Arizona’s lead and write some spiffy new laws to allow driver profiling in order to help fill those prisons. I think I heard that South Carolina wants a law that would require all drivers to have a dashboard Jesus, preferably one that lights up and recites bible passages. Expect Texas to pass a law punishing "Driving While Not Intoxicated."

39. Republicans still believe that the L.A. police are spending $1 billion on jet packs to help them fight crime.

40. Pepper spray is a food product.

41. Pizza is a vegetable.

42. "Let him die!" These are the same people that wouldn’t let Terry Schiavo die a dignified death. Go figure. Alan Grayson was right -- the current Republican Party wants you to "die quickly." It’s that Republican Culture of Death thing.

43. President Obama is mentally unstable and sent a rambling 75,000-word e-mail to millions of Americans which proves it. Therefore, he should be removed from office. (See Fox Nation readers confuse Onion article with real news.)

44. Let me boo you for your service! Booing our soldiers at debates is acceptable to Republicans. Combine soldiering with being gay and that’s a perfect storm for Republicans. What they haven’t told you yet is that Republicans fear armies of gay soldiers coming into their gated communities and forcing their children to watch Chaz Bono on their 72-inch wide-screen TVs. Next they fear the same soldiers going to Hollywood and combining forces with "those Hollywood liberals," making a series of Chaz Bono Meets the Teletubbies movies. PG rating, of course. And yes, Spongebob Homopants will get more than a few cameos, everything will be in 3D (everything), and the words "Go homo" and "Get a sex change" will be subliminally flashed on the screen for the duration of the films and popcorn buckets with built-in penises are being manufactured secretly in a factory outside Youngstown, Ohio, as part of President Obama’s jobs program. By the way, the factory has a Muslim community center.

45. "Corporations are people, my friend. . . . Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to people."

§

History in the making:
Selections from THE NOAH DIARIES 2011

Tuesday: (30) Ron Paul a racist? It can't be! Plus: Who's "a skinny ghetto crackhead"?, Big Ole Butt?, a mighty "Christian" cardinal, Christmas in Jerusalem, and more (12/21-28/11)
And a better 2012 to all (but I wouldn't hold my breath)

FOR A COMPLETE LISTING OF THE SERIES, CLICK HERE

And don't forget 2010's Year in Review series and 2009's "12 Days of Christmas Scorn"!

#

The Noah Diaries 2011 (30): Ron Paul a racist? It can't be!

Who's "a skinny ghetto crackhead"?, Big Ole Butt?, a mighty "Christian" cardinal, Christmas in Jerusalem, and more

It's the traditional Battle of the Brooms ceremony at the oh-so-holy Church of the Nativity in Jerusalem. (See 12/28.)

by Noah

12/21/11 -- Quote of the Year nominee: From Ron Paul's racist newsletters

"Given the inefficiencies of what DC laughably calls the criminal justice system, I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in that city are semi-criminal or entirely criminal."

Ron Paul issued racist newsletters. Who knew??!! As if his 100-percent rating from the John Birch Society wasn't enough. (Fellow racist Trent Lott got only a 66-percent rating.)

In one of the first posts I did for DWT, "About Ron Paul: The Enemy of My Enemy Is Not Always My Friend" (August 2007), I mentioned Paul's penchant for being a frequent guest on the radio show of one Larry Pratt. Pratt is the executive director of Gun Owners of America, which on the surface doesn't bug me, but hopefully not everyone in the organization is like Pratt, who's also a member of not one but two Tea Party organizations and a man known for his close connections to white supremacist groups, anti-semitic groups, and the Christian Identity movement. In 1992, he spoke to a meeting of Aryan Nations leaders in Colorado, where he said, "The Second Amendment is not about duck-hunting." He had been invited to speak by Pete Peters, author of a pamphlet called "The Death Penalty for Homosexuals." In 1996 he had to resign as Pat Buchanan's Republican Party co-chair.

I'll leave it up to you whether you think Ron Paul should be judged by the words he publishes and the people he hangs out with, but if you ask me, he has been treated with kid gloves by the media. A bigger question is, why? And I think the answer is obvious. The hacks who infest our mainstream media just don't see anything wrong or alarming about Ron Paul and what he stands for. In fact, given the ease with which his character could be uncovered, I'd say they support what he stands for, or else we'd never hear his name again.

I won't hold my breath waiting for any of the grand assortment of media clowns to go public with any of this. Since they haven't already, I doubt that they ever will bother to dig up some recordings or transcripts of those any of those fine Larry & Ron radio moments.

Meanwhile, we'll have to be content with a fine collection of Paulisms assembled by Rachel Maddow:




12/22/11 -- On Hannity, Brent Bozell likens Obama to a crackhead

The exact phrase was "a skinny ghetto crackhead," in case some of us just didn't get where Mr. Bozo was coming from. I guess ‘"tar baby" just isn't enough. [See 8/2.]


12/22/11 -- Wisconsin Congresscreep Jim Sensenbrenner has apologized to First Lady Michelle Obama for reportedly saying that she has a "big butt"

Chances are it's still smaller than the congresscreep's, but really, why should anyone care? In addition, Sensenbrenner made his comment in church. Classy guy, and very Christian too!

Really Jimmyboy, is that the best ya got, "big butt"? Republicans are so freaked out by the Obamas that they've resorted to the schoolyard taunts of the 10-year-olds they really are. It's almost sad.




12/28/11 -- How mighty Christian of Cardinal George

Just in time for Christmas, December 22nd to be exact, Chicago's Cardinal Francis George went on the local FOX hate channel for an interview where he ever so tastefully linked his city's Gay Pride Parade to a good old-fashioned KKK parade, saying, "You don't want the gay liberation movement to morph into something like the Ku Klux Klan, demonstrating in the streets against Catholicism."

Well, if you don't want that kind of demonstrating in the streets, maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't accuse gay people of being Grand Wizards and such, Mr. Cardinal. And while you're at it, why don't you take a look at your own back yard and go through your own house and clean out some closets, buddy?

Today, the cardinal has doubled down in a defense of his words, saying, "Organizers invited an obvious comparison to other groups who have historically attempted to stifle the religious freedom of the Catholic Church."

Yeah., those damn gay folks were asking for it! Apparently Tone Deaf 101 was not on his course list in seminary school.

One week later: The somewhat inevitable and, in this case obviously insincere, apology has come. Local gay groups, for their part, have agreed to hold their parade two hours later than originally scheduled so as not to interfere with the timing of any services. Mr. Cardinal is still grumbling anyway because that's his job, but the firestorm seems to be dying down.


12/24/11 -- A thought on Christmas eve: Scrooge was a Republican




12/24/11 -- Merry Christmas to all. I hope Santa remembers to give me some Armani pepper spray (Calvin Klein pepper spray in the limited-edition can would be fine too)


12/25/11 -- Republikooks need not attend!

Righties are all upset that they didn't get an invite to a White House Christmas get-together for progressive talk-radio folks at the White House. This is amazing stuff. First of all, George W. Bush never invited progressive talkers when he had all the hate-talk cretins over. They're ignoring that inconvenient part of the story. But more importantly, if an invitation was so important to me, I wouldn't spend the year denigrating the president and claiming that he wasn't even born here, is a Muslim, a socialist, an America-hating commie. . . .


12/26/11 -- How insane is FOX News goon Republican pollster Dick Morris?

Morris sez: "Ron Paul remains terrifying. He is really the ultimate liberal in the race."

It was bad enough when Morris was the pollster for stealth Republican Bill Clinton. Now at least he's where he belongs -- right on FOX, with plenty of other crazies to keep him company.


12/27/11 -- The truth about Michael Chertoff's airport porno scanners

There's a story here. It's a story that's being swept under the carpet by the mainstream media. Think about these six points if you're asked to get in line for a full-body porno scan at the airport.

1. The European Union has banned the Chertoff porno scanners.

2. Cancer incidents among TSA employees at Logan Airport in Boston have risen noticeably since the installation of the prono scanners.

3. There are no scanners at VIP lines at Reagan National Airport in Washington;, the lines that check congresscritters and other government officials (aka the Elite).

4. Michael Chertoff stands to make a reported $35 million on his scanner deal.

5. The government has not let Underwriters Laboratories, the independent nonprofit organization that does safety testing and certification, examine the machines.

6. The machines are utterly useless in detecting nonmetal substances stashed in body cavities --you know, like high explosives.

So what's the point of these scanners being installed in every airport of substantial size across the land? Is it just the money that Chertoff and his buddies stand to rake in? Is it all about getting us used to being more violated by officials? It's as good of a way as any to continue turning us into a population of very pliable shee-ple.


12/28/11 -- A Christmas story, from Jerusalem

At the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, the location of the purported tomb of Jesus Christ, groups of rival monks decided against turning the other cheek and got very territorial, each seeking prime position in the Holy Sepulcher, battling each other with fists and brooms over the site where Jesus is supposed to be emtombed. Will this become a Christmas ritual? Are reenactments of "The Battle of the Brooms" in store?

These idiots actually made the Palestinian Security Forces who police the place look like the peacemakers for a minute. Fighting with brooms? You'll have to pry this broom from my cold dead hands! What would Jesus do? Just imagine if these loons were rooting for opposing soccer teams.


12/28/11 -- My wife and I went to see Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy today

The movie was great. With a senior discount, the two tickets came to $19. Never mind that the first time I took my wife to the movies, the tickets probably came to $3. It was a different time then. But this gave me an idea: What if the price of the tickets matched the era being depicted in the movie? Nothing that dealt with historical events, real or imagined, would ever make it to film, for one thing. So, that's that.

Seriously, though, we got to the theater early, and although the place was empty, it did fill up pretty good by showtime. Then the all too typical coming-attraction silliness began. If such "attractions" are any indication, I don't expect to be going to many movies this coming year. There was about 20 minutes (it seemed like much more) of coming attractions that would make the NRA proud with the plots of said attractions consisting of good-looking people shooting each other and blowing things up after driving various vehicles like complete crazies. It was hard to tell these movies apart, really, although there does seem to be a trend of having hot women doing the mayhem in the service of justice or "something." Now that's what Hollywood calls equality!

I used to spend an awful lot of time in Hollywood. It was insipid. The grotesque superficiality and narcissism was off the charts. Apparently it's even worse now.

§

History in the making:
Selections from THE NOAH DIARIES 2011

Yesterday: (29) "Stupid" is what the Republican voter craves (and Mittens could be that man!). Plus: Newt sucks up $30K/hr of our money, Christine "I'm Not a Witch" O'D endorses Mitt, "Keep America American"?, phantom centrists (12/11-18/11)
Thursday, the concluding installment: (31) Afterword -- What we learned from (or because of) Republicans this year. Plus: Quote of the Year revealed!

FOR A COMPLETE LISTING OF THE SERIES, CLICK HERE

And don't forget 2010's Year in Review series and 2009's "12 Days of Christmas Scorn"!

#

The Noah Diaries 2011 (29): "Stupid" is what the Republican voter craves (and Mittens could be that man!)

Newt sucks up $30K/hr of our money, Christine "I'm Not a Witch" O'D endorses Mitt, "Keep America American"?, phantom centrists


CAUTION: The following image is pretty darned disgusting, and not recommended for the weak of stomach
After you finish barfing, consider Newt's defense of his "consulting" plunder: "Every American should be interested in expanding housing opportunities" -- though maybe not so much in expanding-Newt opportunities. He also said, "It reminds people that I know a great deal about Washington." In case anyone forgot. (See 12/11.)

by Noah

12/11/11 -- Let's see, Newt Gingrich got $1.6 million from Freddie Mac; he did one hour of work per month . . .

Over the length of time that he "worked" for them, that breaks down to $30,000 per month, or $30,000 per hour. For what?

It gets worse. We bailed out Fannie and Freddie, so the money that was handed to Newt was our money. Our taxpayer dollars! It went from the government through Freddie to Newt. In the New Jersey that I grew up in, that was called money laundering, plain and simple.

We are paying walking, talking asswipes to run for president so they can promote their businesses and book deals, etc., maybe even win the White House, where they can profit further while screwing us every way they can think of.


12/14/11 -- Genius move -- in Texas, where else?

How about this? Republican media darlings World Net Daily exhibited their so-o-o special Republican genius yet again on Sunday. How? Well, it seems that the World Nut Daily hired a plane to tow a banner over the Dallas Cowboys-New York Giants football game at Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, TX. The banner read: "Where’s the real birth certificate?" They made their banner. They hired the plane. They paid the pilot. Two problems, though: One, while the plane completed its mission as requested on Sunday afternoon, since the game was on Sunday night, no one was in the stadium to see it. Two, in any case, Cowboys Stadium has a retractable dome, and it was closed.

Sigh. Texas, Texas, Texas! I can only suppose that your average Texan has spent way too much time drinking way too much out in the way too hot summer sun. You would think that their mother-sisters and father-brothers could figure this out.


12/14/11 -- Christine O’Donnell has not left the coven

Or if she has, it was just long enough to go on FOX and endorse notorious flip-flop-flim-flam-the-puppet-man Mitt. "He’s been consistent since he changed his mind." Yes. Reminds me of "What a terrible thing it is to lose one’s mind." Where do they get these people? This comes after that proud Republican homophobe, has-been former Atlanta Braves pitcher John "Off His" Rocker, endorsed Newtie. The fun never stops.


12/16/11 -- Quote of the Year nominee: Mittens Romney thanks Christine "I’m Not a Witch" O’Donnell for her live-on-FOX endorsement -- and we're reminded that "stupid" is what the Republican voter craves

"Christine has been a leader in the conservative movement for many years. . . . I am pleased to have her on my team."

So let’s take a look at some of Christine’s Greatest Hits!



Even before this episode in Romney’s campaign, I had come to the conclusion that the reason his handlers limit his opportunities to speak out loud in front of a camera is because he would be revealed to be a total stupe. That’s it, his handlers didn’t want the American public to know how incredibly stupid this man is. All the while, Mittens was yearning to let his inner imbecile free!

It shouldn’t be a surprise that Romney doesn’t have too much in the cabeza. After all, his father was a politician, and there aren’t a lot of politicians’ children with any measure of brains walking around. Where I went to college, in Washington, DC, we had a lot of them. It was like there was an affirmative-action program just for brain-challenged Capitol Hill offspring. We even had an Eisenhower and a Humphrey, and the latter was generally considered the dumbest kid to ever walk the campus.

Anyway, this strategy of silence backfired big-time when it became readily apparent that "stupid" is what the Republican voter craves! Dumb works! Can you say Dubya? Look at it; Michele "Toys in the Attic" Bachmann, Rick "Nothing at All in the Attic" Perry, Newt "I Wed Three Wives" Gingrich, Donald "Tribblehair" Trump and his birther nonsense, Herman Cain . . . . One after another they shot to the top of the polls. It was so bad that the Teabagger tax-haters went all melty-melt for Cain’s 9-9-9 plan, which would raise their taxes! They cheered Perry when he proudly mentioned how many people his state has killed. It was like "Yay! He exceeded his quota!"

Meanwhile, Romney’s campaign sat there like a car with four flat tires. What to do? Well, give the mob what it wants, stupid. Start talking! If Romney issues more statements like the one on O’Donnell’s endorsement, we’ll be watching his poll numbers soar! It’s the stupid, stupid!


12/15/11 -- So Mitt Romney wants to "Keep America American"


Mittens has recently used the phrase. The problem is that the KKK used to use it to sum up its philosophy. When Thomas Roberts of MSNBC reported what Romney said, the brass at NBC got upset or maybe just nervous about it and had Chris Matthews issue an apology on behalf of MSNBC. It was quite a cave.

The fact is that Romney said what he said, period. And in the context of what Republicans say all day long, whether it’s about immigration, birth certificates, Kenyan world views, Muslims, "socialist" politicians, or whatever, saying "Keep America American" does at the very leastsound like Romney was engaging in code-speak (or dog-whistling?) to the Republican base. It did indeed sound very much like the KKK.

But the network apologized! It shouldn't have. Thomas Roberts had said nothing to apologize for. Instead, the network should have pressed Romney on what exactly was he saying. What did he mean by those words? We need to see just what he thinks America is. To me, that’s the real story here. The question is not what a talking head at MSNBC said, but what Romney said and why.

Finally, is the brass at NBC just protecting Romney?


12/16/11 -- Thinking nice thoughts: future obituary

Cledus T. Jughead, the last surviving viewer of FOX News, died last night. He was 118. Mr. Jughead embraced his low self-esteem and began watching FOX at age 58. He thoroughly enjoyed 60 years of being swept into an alternate universe of lies and contempt for human decency. In lieu of the flowers that Mr. Jughead detested, his family has asked that contributions be made in his name to Exxon-Mobil, the Flat Earth Society, and the American Society for the Spread of Cancer.


12/17/11 -- Whenever I hear some brain-dead wingnut say the the New York Times is a liberal paper, I choke down my autonomic urge to projectile vomit and opt for the much more sensible (and cleaner) choice of flying into a psychotic rage

Today, the Times’s political editor, Robert W. Stevenson, who writes the "Politics and Government" blog for the paper, wrote a piece on the effort by Americans Elect to get on every state ballot for the 2012 presidential election and offer what he, in his right-wing viewpoint, says would be a welcome centrist ticket. Stevenson explains Americans Elect thusly:

By its own account, the group is driven by civic-minded citizens who feel that moderates and independents have been disenfranchised by the tendency of the two parties to play to their bases. . . .

First of all, despite what Stevenson would have us believe, Obama and the vast majority of the Democrats haven't played to their base. That's why the Democrats are in trouble. Second, we already have a centrist in the White House, and that's the problem. The fact that the writer can call Obama something other than a centrist shows how much of a righty he is.

Stevenson further backs up his propagandizing by quoting former New Jersey Gov. Christine Whitman, who is referred to (laughably) as a moderate. Says Whitman:

This is an effort to empower people. This ticket could win, but at the least it could drive both parties to the center.

Well, it’s nice to know that Whitman is still the same sick joke that she was as a governor. Unless she means that the movement by Americans Elect could drive both parties to the left from where they are now, firmly to the right of center, but somehow I don’t think that’s what she means. Stevenson and Whitman would have us believe that the Democratic Party has been left of center the last 30-plus years while it has rubber-stamped every right-wing poison the Republicans have rammed at us.

Stevenson ends his piece of cow manure by saying that the process could enable the creation of a centrist ticket. Earth to New York Times: We already have that. It’s called "Obama-Biden."

You can google some of Stevenson’s other cowpie articles for additional evidence of what a tool he is. You’ll wonder why FOX hasn’t hired him yet.


12/18/11 -- Texas math = fuzzy math²

Texas governor and pathetic excuse for a presidential candidate Rick Perry may not be able to tell us which three departments he would get rid of if he ever became president [see 11/10], and he may not be able to put together a coherent thought, but he sure knows his math, Texas-style. Perry has now stated that he would cut $5 trillion from President Obama’s $3.7 trillion budget.

Genius! I’m guessing he darn well learnt his arith-a-matikkin’ from those fine Texas schoolbooks that they want the whole country to use. Hey, I bet that in the Perry mind his cuts would result in a $1.3 trillion surplus! I look forward to him promising each and every American a check for an equal share of the "Perry surplus." Lordy be, it’s another Texas Miracle!

§

History in the making:
Selections from THE NOAH DIARIES 2011

Yesterday: (28) Heard the good news? Pizza is now a vegetable! Plus: Last (?) thoughts on Cain, love Kentucky Baptist-style, Etch A Sketch-pad?, G. Will on Newt, Big House for Blago, and more (12/1-7/11)
Tomorrow: (30) Ron Paul a racist? It can't be! Plus: Who's "a skinny ghetto crackhead"?, Big Ole Butt?, a mighty "Christian" cardinal, Christmas in Jerusalem, and more (12/21-28/11)

FOR A COMPLETE LISTING OF THE SERIES, CLICK HERE

And don't forget 2010's Year in Review series and 2009's "12 Days of Christmas Scorn"!

#

The Noah Diaries 2011 (28): Heard the good news? Pizza is now a vegetable!

Last (?) thoughts on Cain, love Kentucky Baptist-style, Etch A Sketch-pad?, G. Will on Newt, Big House for Blago, and more

(See 12/5.)

by Noah

12/1/11 -- Last (?) thoughts on Herman Cain -- with stray thoughts on Coutergeist, Newt et al.

And all the Koch dollars couldn't put Humpty-Herman back together again. He all but said, Sure, I was bangin' her for 13 years, but I wouldn't call that an affair, I'd just call that bangin' her for 13 years. (Say, Herman, how many women has it been? "9-9-9!")

And Coultergeist, what was that about your blacks being "better than their blacks" [see 6/1]? Is this something you have personal knowledge of? Or is it just that you like the pizza? The Coultergeist couldn't help itself; it had to put the Cain candidacy into a framework of race. That's how Repugs tend to view just about everything. They use terms like "high-tech lynching" when it comes to high-profile African-American Republicans getting a hard time because of their actions, while Democrats get their comeuppance for far less. I'm reminded of how Gary Hart had to abandon his campaign on the basis of a photograph of him and his purported mistress on his boat -- and clothed at that!



Think of the arrogance involved, to the degree that you think you can run for president and just end the relationship a few days before you announce and that will make it all go away. And that even when it does come out (and it will), you can just lie your way out of it. Hell, this guy even had the ultimate softball tossers asking, Who benefits the most from Cain no longer being a factor in the race for the nomination?

The answer: Why, Newtie, of course!

That's right, the guy who runs an untold number of scams and who married three wives, including the one he had sign divorce papers as she was waking up from her cancer surgery. Next to Cain, Newt has what passes for class in Republican circles. How low will the bar go?

While we're on Newt, why is it that so many Repugs fear Romney's Mormanism while it's Newt who has shown the clear polygamist tendencies? And why do they accept Newt getting a BJ in the front seat of a car in his own driveway as his own kids walk by, but not Bill Clinton getting one at the office? Strange folks, those Republicans. For people who spend such an unbelievable amount of time complaining about people having sex . . . .

So, what now for Herman Cain? Delivering his own pizzas, fantasizing that he's in some 1970s porn movie? Or wait, maybe a Cialis pitchman? "You never know when a romantic moment might turn into something more. A romantic moment can start with just a touch, or a whiff of pepperoni and mushrooms. That's when you want to be ready."

Rush Limbaugh and all the other little Repuggies seem so quiet now. They were so gung-ho for Herman, but now it's like they never met.


12/1/11 -- Special reverse-kudos to the Free Will Baptist Church of Godawfulvile, KY

It seems these folks don't cotton to the idea of having mixed-race couples under their own blessed roof. The daughter of the church secretary brought home a fiancé from out of the country, all the way from -- Africa! And you know what that means. Shock! Outrage! Work of the Devil hisself! Apparently what really set the ol' Baptist inbreeders off was the fact that the happy couple not only was happy but sang together, right out in the open! Right in the gosh-darn church! See, this is what happens when you have a mixed-race president!

I suppose we shouldn't be too surprised when this sort of thing happens in Kentucky, a state that elected an anti-civil-rights senator, Rand Paul. I know Kentucky is in a different time zone from my elitist Eastern one, but I didn't realize that it's situated in the famous 1859 time zone. And just whose "free will" are we talking about? Sigh. God works in mysterious ways.


12/2/11 -- Thought for the day (Beltway division)

Washington only begins to make "sense" when you realize that it is an assemblage of America's finest janitors of lunacy and caretakers of deception, all governed by America's finest foremen of corruption.


12/2/11 -- Great gift idea: What Noah wants for Christmas

With all this "pad" and "tablet" talk, about iPads and Nooks and Kindle Fire and so on, I think the people who make Etch A Sketch are missing the boat. What I want is a truly up-to-date version. I know they're making Etch A Sketches again, but they should make one that looks a lot more like a tablet but still has just the two little knobs with which one can doodle one's own pictures -- and nothing else, no other add-ons or "features."

I could take it out in conference rooms just like everyone else does in endlessly boring meetings where the participants think they're saving the universe with their not-so-brilliant ideas, which they call "innovative" and "synergistic." Playing with one during meetings could not only help me stay awake but make me look like I'm being productive too!

Another great selling point would be that people might actually learn to draw again! Yes, people might actually learn to draw their own pictures! No need for tedious cut-and-paste, no need for Photoshop! Did Leonardo need some stinking Photoshop? I'll call my new pad iDoodle.


12/5/11 -- Quote of the Year nominee(s): George Will says unkind things about Newt Gingrich

Actually, we have three quotes, but from the same column of George's:

* "[Gingrich] embodies the vanity and rapacity that make modern Washington repulsive." [If the shoe fits, George . . .]

* "His Olympian sense of exemption from standards and logic allowed him, fresh from pocketing $1.6 million from Freddie Mac (for services as a 'historian'), to say, ‘If you want to put people in jail,' look at 'the politicians who profited from' Washington's environment."

* He might stop "being (as Churchill said of John Foster Dulles) a bull who carries his own china shop around with him."


12/5/11 -- Newt, like any Republican, lives to stereotype and look down on whatever he sees as "other"

This time Newt has stereotyped poor children, making the assumption that the poor know nothing about the dignity of work, don't want to work, etc.

He says they have no role models who work for a living and most money in poor neighborhoods is earned illegally. It's sick and nasty stuff, but hey, that's Newt's stock-in-trade. He's a hateful man striving mightily to spread his hate.

This is part of the attack on child-labor laws by Gingrich and his party, who view the child workforce as an untapped pool of very cheap labor which they can draw on as they continue their union-busting. Now that Newt has famously said that he wants children to clean their own schools, we should be asking, Hey, Newt, what's next? Have the elderly poor, which'll be most of us if Repugs have their way, dig their own graves?

Now that's a slippery slope! Once Newt proposes that the elderly poor learn the dignity of work by digging their own graves, Michele Bachmann will try to top him by proposing national work camps, and sane people who object will be declared by Rick Perry to be agents of President Obama's "war on work."

The circus grows and grows.

Think about the logical end result of the Republican war on labor and services. In a Republican dream world, we will all cart our own garbage to the city dump, even if it's 10 miles away or on an island. We will all shovel the snow from the street in front of where we live, and if our house catches fire, we will put it out ourselves with a garden hose. Or maybe we can have the neighborhood children do it, in exchange for a bowl of soup. And the little wretches better not ask for any more.

12/6/11 -- Washington logic: Congress decides, with the help of some serious cash-whipping -- er, lobbying from tomato-product-makers --

. . . to continue giving things like tomato paste credit for being, more or less, a vegetable; never mind that a tomato isn't even a vegetable. Now, thanks to Congress, schools can give kids pizza and meet the quota of vegetable servings served in school cafeterias. In other words, pizza is now a vegetable!

It turns out that Trump and Palin were eating healthy after all [see 6/1.]! The more interesting question might be, What does pizza man Herman Cain get out of this?


12/7/11 -- Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich gets 14 years

OK, Blago -- like so many politicians -- is a crook. Four of the last eight Illinois governors have served time in jail. One is there right now, presumably waiting for Blago to arrive. But Blago was such an arrogant loser that he couldn't even pull off the simple crime of selling an appointment. Washington will laugh forever at that one.

The bigger issue, though, is: Why does Blago get 14 years for trying to sell a Senate seat when the people who crashed the economy not only didn't go to jail, they got rewarded with cash payouts from two presidents?

§

History in the making:
Selections from THE NOAH DIARIES 2011

Yesterday: (27) "Our blacks are so much better than their blacks" (Coultergeist). Plus: Judge beats daughter, Rick Perry melts down, "manly" pizza, my letter to Al Franken, is mac 'n' cheese "a black thing"?, and more (11/2-24/11)
Tomorrow: (29) "Stupid" is what the Republican voter craves (and Mittens could be that man!). Plus: Newt sucks up $30K/hr of our money, Christine "I'm Not a Witch" O'D endorses Mitt, "Keep America American"?, phantom centrists (12/11-18/11)

FOR A COMPLETE LISTING OF THE SERIES, CLICK HERE

And don't forget 2010's Year in Review series and 2009's "12 Days of Christmas Scorn"!

#

The Noah Diaries 2011 (27): "Our blacks are so much better than their blacks" (Coultergeist)

Judge beats daughter, Rick Perry melts down, "manly" pizza, my letter to Al Franken, is mac 'n' cheese "a black thing"?, and more



by Noah

11/2/11 -- Quote of the Year nominee: Ann Coulter, "Our blacks are so much better better than their blacks"

Our blacks are so much better than their blacks. To become a black Republican, you don't just roll into it. You're not going with the flow . . . and that's why we have very impressive blacks in the Republican party.

Sad. When I was in the eighth grade, we had a rich kid who said outrageous things to get the attention he wasn't getting at home. His need for attention was pathological, cringe-inducing, and disruptive. He ended up getting all the attention he needed -- in a private mental hospital.

I’ve said for a long time that FOX is sort of Romper Room for the insane. Really, turn on Fox & Fiends, or Bill-O, or Hannity, and it’s like having a window into the common room at the crazy house. There’s Sean, hunched over, packed into an ill-fitting suit, mumbling fearfully about secret Muslims and union-promoting commies under the bed while Coultergeist alternates between rocking back and forth in her straitjacket screaming out her bile with some sort of incurable Tourette's or practically sitting on Hannity’s shoulder like a demented parrot cackling about liberal this and liberal that. Later Coultergeist defended her remarks to Joy Behar: "The only racism you hear in America is against conservative blacks."

It’s sad stuff. Think about how completely out to lunch you have to be to heap praise on Herman Cain. It's really sad when you consider how people like Coutergeist and Hannity influence the gullible and naive.


1/4/11 -- A judge beat his disabled daughter with a belt. She has video, he feels no remorse. Likely no charges will be charged


Where? No surprise here: Texas, the Loon-Star State! I’m kinda surprised Aransas County Judge-at-Law William Adams didn’t try to persuade Governor Perry to execute her. (Maybe we should subpoena his phone records?)

A judicial investigation is promised, but authorities are already saying that the video-recorded incident, which happened seven years ago, goes back too far for criminal charges. Judge Adams, who deals primarily in family law (you can't make this stuff up), says Hillary, now 23, who suffers from cerebral palsy, only posted the video to get back at him for telling her he was withdrawing his financial support, and says the video "looks worse than it is."


11/7/11 -- "99 Facts About Mitt Romney"

If Mittens gets the Repug nomination, ThinkProgress's list of interesting info about him should be postered all over America -- including every bus stop, train station, and airport. The Democrats should turn it into a series of fadio and TV commercials, perhaps three at a time, over and over. And don’t forget banners all over the Internet. Will they have the smarts to do it?


11/7/11 -- "Deadbeat Dad" Joe Walsh receives an award for championing (what else?) family values

You remember Joe, the far-right Illinois congressman who owes $117K in child support [see 8/1]. Now the nuts at the Family Research Council (officially certified a "hate group" by the Southern Poverty Law Center) have saluted him for his "unwavering support of the family," a "True Blue" champion of its idea of family values. Deadbeat Joe still refuses to pay what he owes, and was chastised recently by a judge for not even bothering to show up at a hearing.


1/8/11 -- The media loon squads of the right are all in a tizzy about how President Obama greeted Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan at the G-20 summit -- he hugged him

If you're so hopelessly stupid or deluded as to believe that Turkey is our "enemy," might it not be a smart idea to keep your damn fool trap shut?

Remember when the loons were all bent out of shape about Obama bowing in Japan? Now they're frothing about him "hugging enemies, abandoning allies."

Note to thegoldfarb: Turkey isn't an enemy. It's a key NATO ally. Get over it.


11/10/11 -- About last night’s CNBC debate: Ladies and gentlemen, Rick Perry. Let’s hear it for Rick Perry, ladies and gentlemen! RICK PERRY!


What a performance! What a head of hair!

Texas voted for him. Now he can be yours! R-i-i-ck Pe-e-e-r-r-ry! Texas must be so-o-o proud after last night’s debate. Isn’t it swell that kids all over the rest of the country are forced to learn from textbooks dumbed down to Texas standards? Rick Perry! What a head of hair, ladies and gentlemen! Looky at dat hair! Yeee-ha! Covers all the holes in that yahoo’s head, yessiree!

Incredible performance. Some of the best political satire you'll ever see, and it comes from a party that specializes in side-splitting satire! First Texas plagued us with Dubya, now this -- how low can the bar go?


The governor doesn't exactly give a scintillating performance even when it's all written out for him to read.


11/12/11 -- Quote of the year Nominee: Michele Bachmann, at the CBS Repug debate

"What I would do is look at the programs that LBJ gave us with the Great Society, and they’d be gone."

OK, Michele, let's look at the programs that LBJ gave us with the Great Society. They include the various Civil Rights and Voting Rights acts, Medicare and Medicaid, the War on Poverty, federal aid to education, the National Endowment for the Arts, public broadcasting, the Department Of Transportation, and various consumer and environmental protections.

Now we can’t have any of that nasty stuff, can we? The congresswoman, while saying what she said, compared us unfavorably with China, basically saying we should be more like them. Doesn't she claim to hate socialism?


11/14/11 -- Quote of the Year nominee: Pizza man Herman Cain like his pies "manly"

"The more toppings a man has on his pizza, I believe, the more manly he is. Because the more manly man is not afraid of abundance.”

Ah, the comedy stylings of right-wing wackos! Strange how they are always focus on their manliness. Just sayin’.


11/15/11 -- Fantasy for the Day: Desperate Republicans to run warm, happy puppy for president, with adorable kitten in the VP slot

"A perfect pairing," say Repug officials. "Who doesn’t like puppies and kittens?” Both Bonzo the Dog and Fluffy the Cat are housebroken and leashed-trained, a characteristic that thrills Wall Street manipulators no end. Says Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Bankfiend, "With Bonzo we have someone who will step lively and fetch it at the snap of our fingers, while Fluffy can tear apart the Bluebird of Anyone’s Happiness like nobody’s biz.”

You might laugh, but, if they get any more insane --


11/15/11 -- I wonder what the biology classes are like at this Illinois Christian school

I went to one of the highest-ranked high schools in the country, but I din’t like it very much at all. Still, I’ve never heard much good about Christian madrasas, er, ah, schools, and I’m real glad that I didn’t go to this one.

According to today’s Chicago Tribune, math teacher Paul LaDuke, 75, was fired from the Schaumburg (IL) Christian School after a student reported seeing him brazenly masturbate, with his pants lowered, as he sat behind his desk in a full classroom. LaDuke had been at the school for 26 years, and police believe he had "committed similar acts at the school several times a year for a decade or longer."


11/15/11 -- My letter to Al Franken

I love writing to politicians. It’s kind of therapeutic, and I recommend it. Sure, I don’t expect that the politician actually reads it, but I know that someone on the staff does. (Staffers have told me this.) And I often get responses, in most cases pretty lame, but revealing. My congressperson, Carolyn Maloney, is very good at responding. My senators, Schumer and Gillibrand, don’t seem to want to communicate anymore, but lthey live Inside the beltway and don’t get outside it much. They only want positive reinforcement. Gillibrand especially can’t handle the truth.

Today, I got an e-mail from Minnesota Sen. Al Franken. He asked for money. I’ve written him before. We have a couple of mutual friends, and I even met him once when he came to a recording session, before he ran for office. Seemed like a nice enough guy, but maybe a little out of touch. Perfect for the job he got, I guess. I felt compelled to write him back and tell him why no more money would be forthcoming from me.

Dear Senator,

I don't expect anyone to actually read this. I've pretty much given up on anyone other than Senator Sanders "getting it." I've even met you through a longtime mutual friend in here in NYC, before you ran for office. I was heartened that you won and beat that insipid Norm Coleman, BUT, I recently got a request for a contribution (I have given before), and I just can't do it again. Why? you may ask. Two reasons. One: You voted for continuing the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy and showed your true colors, as did many others in the utterly clueless Washington community. I've heard the excuses. I don't buy it. We aren't all as stupid as you in government think. Two: I now hear that the Democrats plan on siding with the Repug Party in cutting Social Security and Medicare, and of course have no plans to restore the taxes on the top 2%. Hell, there have been years where I met that criterion! Anyway, my suggestion to you is to print out multiple copies of this e-mail and give them to Harry Reid, the president, and all of your partners in crime in Congress, and tell them to wipe their fat asses with it. The "Gang of Six" can go to hell. The fix was in when Reid put His Arrogance, Max Baucus, on the committee.

With all due remaining respect,

To date, somewhat mysteriously, I haven't received a response, but I suspect that Washington has received similar letters, because they’ve changed their tune a little bit. We’ll see, but I expect nothing from such people.


11/19/11 -- The following might have been found by a homeless man while going through a trash can outside of FOX, but I can say no more

Chapter synopsis from The Double-Secret Republican Manual:

Why can’t we use the "N" word? We as Republicans are being denied the right to fully express our deepest thoughts. We are being denied our very selves! The fact that we are not allowed to shout the "N" word everywhere we go shows us just how far the liberal commie Islamo-loving socialists have gone in making inroads in limiting our freedoms, in this case the freedom to express and, hopefully, spread our hate for the other. Make no mistake. Even the UPS slogan "What can brown do for you?” is lie-beral propaganda designed to force us to accept that nonwhites can contribute to society! And by the way, that word "manual” sounds suspiciously Mexican.

11/23/11 -- At CNN’s Repug debate, moderator Wolf Blitzer, true to his righty mindset, didn’t bother to ask Newt Gingrich . . .

. . . anything about his feelings towards our child-labor laws. He didn’t ask him about his ties to Freddie Mac, which paid him $30,000 an hour to be "a historian,” either. Nope. Why would he do that? For Wolfie, it’s strictly softballs. Someday I’d like to know how this waste of space got his job.

The audience, picked by CNN, just happened to include the likes of Paul Wolfowitz and former Cheney chief of staff David Addington. Stacking the deck, anyone? Any further questions about the bias of CNN?


11/23/11 -- Quote of the Year nominee: Rep. Don Young of Alaska (R, of course)

Let’s hear it for the state that gave us Sarah Palin!

Environmentalists are a self-centered bunch of waffle-stomping, Harvard-graduating, intellectual idiots. . . . [They] are not Americans, never have been Americans and never will be Americans.

You have to ask, was he drunk, or just insane, or both? He’s very upset about people not wanting oil drilling in the Arctic. Be sure to watch the clip. You’ll be asking the same question again. This guy makes fellow Alaskan Palin look like a genius. As Don Shelby says, it’s "a video that every American should see." (Um, waffle-stomping?)


11/24/11 -- Quote of the Year nominee: Pat Robertson discovers mac 'n' cheese!

"Is that a black thing?”

No, the born-senile Robertson isn’t appearing in multicultural porn these days, at least as far as I know. He's simply finding yet another way to display his prodigious ignorance in response to a conversation between his 700 Club African-American cohost, Kristi Watts, and Condoleezza Rice about their favored Thanksgiving dish of macaroni and cheese. Why is Gramps always such an embarrassment? Perhaps. It’s time to put him in a home.

§

History in the making:
Selections from THE NOAH DIARIES 2011

Yesterday: (26): Masturbation is a form of homosexuality! Plus: Spot the loony: (1) Mark Driscoll and (2) Rick Santorum, Repugs' Thesaurus: 30 ways to say n*gg*r, how did the GOP sink to this? (10/19-26/11)
Tomorrow: (28) Heard the good news? Pizza is now a vegetable! Plus: Last (?) thoughts on Cain, love Kentucky Baptist-style, Etch A Sketch-pad?, G. Will on Newt, Big House for Blago, and more (12/1-7/11)

FOR A COMPLETE LISTING OF THE SERIES, CLICK HERE

And don't forget 2010's Year in Review series and 2009's "12 Days of Christmas Scorn"!

#

The Noah Diaries (26): Masturbation is a form of homosexuality!

Spot the loony: (1) Mark Driscoll and (2) Rick Santorum, Repugs' Thesaurus: 30 ways to say n*gg*r, how did the GOP sink to this?

Pastor Mark Driscoll offers this dilly as a free e-book. In it he explains how masturbation can be a form of homosexuality. (We're not going to provide a link, but if you're interested, you shouldn't have any trouble finding it.)

by Noah

10/19/11 -- Spot the loony: (1) Pastor Mark Driscoll -- Masturbation is a form of homosexuality!



The First Church of Wanking. You know, some days you can wake up thinking that you know everything you need to know to lead a happy life, but then . . . along comes wingnut Pastor Mark Driscoll with an important new message that could alter the very fabric of society! His message?

Masturbation is a form of homosexuality!

Gee, and I thought it was only murder!


Heeerre we go again: Republicans and sex. What is it about their psyches? Driscoll manages, in his hot new booklet Porn-Again Christian: a frank discussion on pornography & masturbation for God's men, to offer not just unintended self-satire but simultaneous self-revelation.

First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexual activity, particularly if he's watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.

Sigh. "Does not involve a woman"? Speak for yourself, buddy! I don't know about you, pastor, but for us hetero males it's safe to say that a woman is involved, somehow.

Conservatives make sex so-o-o complicated. Does the wife have to be conscious? What if she's passed out drunk behind the couch -- is that OK? And why does marriage have to enter into it? Are we now saying that masturbation is strictly between one man and one woman? What if the "wife" is a blow-up doll? I bet this guy has a lot of mirrors in his house! Calling Dr. Freud! Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes it's much more.

What's next? Wankers Anonymous? "Hi, my name is Mark." "Hi, Mark!" Is there a Republican 12-step program now for masturbators? Do you have to call your friends after 30 days and ask their forgiveness for all your wanking? Can you pray away the masturbation? Is Michele Bachmann's husband a chronic masturbator? Since Texas Rep. Louie "The Bestiality Guy" Goehmert [see 7/6] and Republican presidential candidate Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum [see below] say that gayness leads to bestiality, does it naturally follow that masturbation does? Are there masturbation classes at Catholic seminary schools? Do we now know why Liberace's parents got him a piano? Too late!

Maybe Pastor Driscoll just needs to go off in a dark corner and spend some quality time with Bill O'Reilly's loofah.




10/20/11 -- Spot the loony: (2) Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum

Since we're talking about Republicans and their little problems with sex; presidential candidate Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum has stepped up and pledged to defund contraception.

"It's not okay. It's a license to do things."

Yeah, icky things. Ooooh, so-o-o disturbing. Mommy, Mommy! This is another fine example of how Republicans want to always dictate what we do. In the Republican dream world, women just stay home, out of the workplace, and become brood sows. Said Santorum in the squeamish interview with CaffeinatedThoughts.com:

[Sex] is supposed to be within marriage. It's supposed to be for purposes that are yes, conjugal . . . but also procreative. That's the perfect way that a sexual union should happen. . . . This is special, and it needs to be seen as special.

As I write this, the world population is zooming toward 7 billion people. Since the Repugs took over the House of Representatives, they have engaged in a war on Planned Parenthood and passed seven (count ‘em, 7) different anti-abortion laws, including their most recent "Let Them Die" bill, which outlaws abortions that would save the life of a woman. How far will they go with their anti-sex jihad?

Clearly next on the drawing board is outlawing contraception. Never mind that we don't seem to be able to feed and educate the people we have in this country, with the Republicans in particular doing everything they can to hinder both. Let's also not forget that some contraceptives can help prevent the spreading of sexually transmitted disease.

The Guttmacher Institute says that without funding for contraceptives, "abortions occurring in the United States would be nearly two-thirds higher among women overall and among teens; the number of unintended pregnancies among poor women would nearly double."

It's obvious that the Republican Culture of Death is pro-starvation and, despite what they say, would increase the number of abortions. We know they say they are anti-abortion, but the reality of their philosophy (if you want to call it that) is that back-alley abortions will rise and women will die. It's a perfect storm for nihilists like Santorum. I wonder if he owns stock in a wire-coat-hanger factory.


Warning: This chatfest goes on, and on, for 45 minutes. Anyone who makes it to the end ought to be entitled to a mutual wanking session with the "Man on Dog" man.


10/25/11 -- Thought for the Day: From the Repugs' Thesaurus -- 30 ways to say n*gg*r

ACORN, socialist, secret Muslim, communist, community organizer, birth certificate, uppity, Kenyan, Kenyan world view, Sharpton, crack, Gorillas in the Mist, not a traditional guy, welfare, rap music, SEIU, stop and search, basketball, men's-room attendant, witch doctor, nappy-headed ho, porch monkey, "Barack the Magic Negro," food stamps, voter fraud, coon, failing public schools, affirmative-action candidate, motor-voter ID, state's-rights issue


10/26/11 -- Imagine: Herman Cain selects Lindsay Lohan as running mate, and Republicans cheer! (Say, just how did the once-Grand Old Party sink to this?)

So how does it get to this all-too-possible scenario for today's Republican Party? This is not your father's or grandfather's Republican Party. There are no reasoning, pragmatic, or moderate Republicans anymore. There are no Republican candidates who have the vision to propose anything like the Interstate Highway System that "Ike" Eisenhower did. Instead, when it comes to infrastructure, as with everything else, the Republican answer is, "Let them die." Today's Republicans are like the little boy in the Adams Family who staged train wrecks with his toys, taking glee in the mayhem of collapsed bridges. The death that is merely implied is just "cool."

The Interstate Highway System: Once upon a time . . .

So how did this sad state of affairs happen?

There are obvious reasons, not the least of which is that there's a whole nihilistic TV network dedicated to promoting insanity and social mayhem (all while promoting policies that sell out our country to the Chinese, of course). It wouldn't surprise me if it was discovered that Sean Hannity and Ann Coultergeist actually grew up in a real Adams Family.

There is, however, another factor: what we can call "lowering the bar." Think about it. Texas had George Bush and 50 million people accepted him, so now the Repugs push the envelope a little further and we have Rick Perry -- from a governor who said the jury is out on evolution to a birther governor who surrounds himself with religious-cult zombies who think birds fall from the sky and masses of fish die because there are gay people, un-cured gay people [see 9/23]! Right in your own town! They're, they're everywhere, ohmygod!

Then we have a Sarah Palin, who can pal around with bomb-making secessionist terroristas while undergoing purification rituals at her "church" to protect herself from witchcraft and be a party hero [see 4/27]. Michele Bachmann? Don't get me started. Newt? The guy who dreams of armbands and a Fourth Reich? Why are such people given the time of day by our media, let alone the legitimacy that comes with their attention?

What's the Republican idea of a job for the middle class? Volunteerism, perhaps? Whether for a charity or for one of their corporations. After that it's auctioning everything in your house, right down to the copper pipes, on eBay -- while you still have a house, that is. Then there's becoming a flea market entrepreneur, or gathering up bottles and cans from the street and cashing them in for the deposit money. I'm seeing more and more obvious middle classers doing just this here in New York City. It's the Republican wet dream: having everyone else pick up after them.

The Republicans bring the crazy. They bring the irrational. It's who they are. They often argue about evolution, but maybe the real argument should be about the obvious de-evolution they nurture. We already have a Republican House of Representatives that has done nothing but fight for the continued redistribution of wealth upward while passing their flurry of anti-abortion laws. To me, the Republicans make the case for abortion every time they open their mouths. Maybe I should run for Congress and introduce a retro-abortion bill.

I'd like to know how many anti-abortion politicians have paid for an abortion in their lives. How about we take care of the living -- educating them, providing job opportunities, a chance for good and life-saving health care? We can always argue about abortion later, if there is a later. Ya gotta wonder about a species that spits out anger about abortion during the day and applauds someone who shouts "Let him die" at night.

To most Republicans, Willard "Mitt" Romney is practically a commie. A crook like Richard Nixon would be seen as far too liberal for today's Republican Party. Even the sainted Ronald might have a problem. G.H.W. Bushie too. After all, they did some of that evil tax-raising thing.

Republican insanity is nothing new. Pat Buchanan, who believes our country should have sided with Germany instead of England in World War II, was a senior adviser to Presidents Nixon, Ford, and Reagan. He ran as a candidate himself for the Republican nomination for president in 1992 and 1996. The difference between then and now is that back then he was considered too conservative and definitely too whacked out to have a serious chance at his party's nomination. Now he wouldn't just be a serious mainstream Republican, he'd be in a dogfight for the nomination with people very much like him.

This is no coincidence. The influence of John Birchers like the Koch brothers and people who have an interest in Chinese domination such as Rupert Murdoch is powerful. The lunatics they're pushing on us are fronts for something much darker.

It's come to the point where not just Rick Perry but Herman Cain is enjoying love and devotion from Republicans in every corner and under every rock in the land. As I write this, Terry Jones, the Koran-burning rightie pastor from Florida who sparked riots and additional hatred of America throughout the Muslim world, has announced his candidacy for president. The horror is that it doesn't even seem odd anymore. Pastor Jones fits right in with the other asylum escapees we see on FOX or at the Republican debates. This guy who was called a wacko just months ago is now a mainstream Republican. The bar keeps going down, down, down.

One has to wonder what the Republicans will come up with in 2016. Charlie Manson could probably get the Republican nomination. He's always wanted a race war. The "I'm not a witch. I'm just like you" lady from Delaware? Britney Spears? Paris Hilton? Lindsay Lohan herself? Mark "The Appalachian Trail Guy" Sanford? Already, a lot of Republicans have openly mentioned a Glenn Beck-Sarah Palin ticket. How about Vinnie "The Chin" Gigante in his pajamas? It's not so far-fetched, not anymore.

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History in the making:
Selections from THE NOAH DIARIES 2011

Yesterday: (25) "Current emissions are not causing air-quality or public-health problems anywhere in America" (Steve Milloy of Fox "News"). Plus: Secede already, Texas!, Solyndra -- all Obama's fault, Repugs on science, megachurch mogul calls Mormons a cult, and more (10/3-18/11)
Tomorrow, a supersize installment (all of November!): (27) "Our blacks are so much better than their blacks" (Coultergeist). Plus: Judge beats daughter, Rick Perry melts down, "manly" pizza, my letter to Al Franken, is mac 'n' cheese "a black thing"?, and more (11/11)

FOR A COMPLETE LISTING OF THE SERIES, CLICK HERE

And don't forget 2010's Year in Review series and 2009's "12 Days of Christmas Scorn"!

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