The Noah Diaries 2011 (28): Heard the good news? Pizza is now a vegetable!

Last (?) thoughts on Cain, love Kentucky Baptist-style, Etch A Sketch-pad?, G. Will on Newt, Big House for Blago, and more

(See 12/5.)

by Noah

12/1/11 -- Last (?) thoughts on Herman Cain -- with stray thoughts on Coutergeist, Newt et al.

And all the Koch dollars couldn't put Humpty-Herman back together again. He all but said, Sure, I was bangin' her for 13 years, but I wouldn't call that an affair, I'd just call that bangin' her for 13 years. (Say, Herman, how many women has it been? "9-9-9!")

And Coultergeist, what was that about your blacks being "better than their blacks" [see 6/1]? Is this something you have personal knowledge of? Or is it just that you like the pizza? The Coultergeist couldn't help itself; it had to put the Cain candidacy into a framework of race. That's how Repugs tend to view just about everything. They use terms like "high-tech lynching" when it comes to high-profile African-American Republicans getting a hard time because of their actions, while Democrats get their comeuppance for far less. I'm reminded of how Gary Hart had to abandon his campaign on the basis of a photograph of him and his purported mistress on his boat -- and clothed at that!



Think of the arrogance involved, to the degree that you think you can run for president and just end the relationship a few days before you announce and that will make it all go away. And that even when it does come out (and it will), you can just lie your way out of it. Hell, this guy even had the ultimate softball tossers asking, Who benefits the most from Cain no longer being a factor in the race for the nomination?

The answer: Why, Newtie, of course!

That's right, the guy who runs an untold number of scams and who married three wives, including the one he had sign divorce papers as she was waking up from her cancer surgery. Next to Cain, Newt has what passes for class in Republican circles. How low will the bar go?

While we're on Newt, why is it that so many Repugs fear Romney's Mormanism while it's Newt who has shown the clear polygamist tendencies? And why do they accept Newt getting a BJ in the front seat of a car in his own driveway as his own kids walk by, but not Bill Clinton getting one at the office? Strange folks, those Republicans. For people who spend such an unbelievable amount of time complaining about people having sex . . . .

So, what now for Herman Cain? Delivering his own pizzas, fantasizing that he's in some 1970s porn movie? Or wait, maybe a Cialis pitchman? "You never know when a romantic moment might turn into something more. A romantic moment can start with just a touch, or a whiff of pepperoni and mushrooms. That's when you want to be ready."

Rush Limbaugh and all the other little Repuggies seem so quiet now. They were so gung-ho for Herman, but now it's like they never met.


12/1/11 -- Special reverse-kudos to the Free Will Baptist Church of Godawfulvile, KY

It seems these folks don't cotton to the idea of having mixed-race couples under their own blessed roof. The daughter of the church secretary brought home a fiancé from out of the country, all the way from -- Africa! And you know what that means. Shock! Outrage! Work of the Devil hisself! Apparently what really set the ol' Baptist inbreeders off was the fact that the happy couple not only was happy but sang together, right out in the open! Right in the gosh-darn church! See, this is what happens when you have a mixed-race president!

I suppose we shouldn't be too surprised when this sort of thing happens in Kentucky, a state that elected an anti-civil-rights senator, Rand Paul. I know Kentucky is in a different time zone from my elitist Eastern one, but I didn't realize that it's situated in the famous 1859 time zone. And just whose "free will" are we talking about? Sigh. God works in mysterious ways.


12/2/11 -- Thought for the day (Beltway division)

Washington only begins to make "sense" when you realize that it is an assemblage of America's finest janitors of lunacy and caretakers of deception, all governed by America's finest foremen of corruption.


12/2/11 -- Great gift idea: What Noah wants for Christmas

With all this "pad" and "tablet" talk, about iPads and Nooks and Kindle Fire and so on, I think the people who make Etch A Sketch are missing the boat. What I want is a truly up-to-date version. I know they're making Etch A Sketches again, but they should make one that looks a lot more like a tablet but still has just the two little knobs with which one can doodle one's own pictures -- and nothing else, no other add-ons or "features."

I could take it out in conference rooms just like everyone else does in endlessly boring meetings where the participants think they're saving the universe with their not-so-brilliant ideas, which they call "innovative" and "synergistic." Playing with one during meetings could not only help me stay awake but make me look like I'm being productive too!

Another great selling point would be that people might actually learn to draw again! Yes, people might actually learn to draw their own pictures! No need for tedious cut-and-paste, no need for Photoshop! Did Leonardo need some stinking Photoshop? I'll call my new pad iDoodle.


12/5/11 -- Quote of the Year nominee(s): George Will says unkind things about Newt Gingrich

Actually, we have three quotes, but from the same column of George's:

* "[Gingrich] embodies the vanity and rapacity that make modern Washington repulsive." [If the shoe fits, George . . .]

* "His Olympian sense of exemption from standards and logic allowed him, fresh from pocketing $1.6 million from Freddie Mac (for services as a 'historian'), to say, ‘If you want to put people in jail,' look at 'the politicians who profited from' Washington's environment."

* He might stop "being (as Churchill said of John Foster Dulles) a bull who carries his own china shop around with him."


12/5/11 -- Newt, like any Republican, lives to stereotype and look down on whatever he sees as "other"

This time Newt has stereotyped poor children, making the assumption that the poor know nothing about the dignity of work, don't want to work, etc.

He says they have no role models who work for a living and most money in poor neighborhoods is earned illegally. It's sick and nasty stuff, but hey, that's Newt's stock-in-trade. He's a hateful man striving mightily to spread his hate.

This is part of the attack on child-labor laws by Gingrich and his party, who view the child workforce as an untapped pool of very cheap labor which they can draw on as they continue their union-busting. Now that Newt has famously said that he wants children to clean their own schools, we should be asking, Hey, Newt, what's next? Have the elderly poor, which'll be most of us if Repugs have their way, dig their own graves?

Now that's a slippery slope! Once Newt proposes that the elderly poor learn the dignity of work by digging their own graves, Michele Bachmann will try to top him by proposing national work camps, and sane people who object will be declared by Rick Perry to be agents of President Obama's "war on work."

The circus grows and grows.

Think about the logical end result of the Republican war on labor and services. In a Republican dream world, we will all cart our own garbage to the city dump, even if it's 10 miles away or on an island. We will all shovel the snow from the street in front of where we live, and if our house catches fire, we will put it out ourselves with a garden hose. Or maybe we can have the neighborhood children do it, in exchange for a bowl of soup. And the little wretches better not ask for any more.

12/6/11 -- Washington logic: Congress decides, with the help of some serious cash-whipping -- er, lobbying from tomato-product-makers --

. . . to continue giving things like tomato paste credit for being, more or less, a vegetable; never mind that a tomato isn't even a vegetable. Now, thanks to Congress, schools can give kids pizza and meet the quota of vegetable servings served in school cafeterias. In other words, pizza is now a vegetable!

It turns out that Trump and Palin were eating healthy after all [see 6/1.]! The more interesting question might be, What does pizza man Herman Cain get out of this?


12/7/11 -- Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich gets 14 years

OK, Blago -- like so many politicians -- is a crook. Four of the last eight Illinois governors have served time in jail. One is there right now, presumably waiting for Blago to arrive. But Blago was such an arrogant loser that he couldn't even pull off the simple crime of selling an appointment. Washington will laugh forever at that one.

The bigger issue, though, is: Why does Blago get 14 years for trying to sell a Senate seat when the people who crashed the economy not only didn't go to jail, they got rewarded with cash payouts from two presidents?

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History in the making:
Selections from THE NOAH DIARIES 2011

Yesterday: (27) "Our blacks are so much better than their blacks" (Coultergeist). Plus: Judge beats daughter, Rick Perry melts down, "manly" pizza, my letter to Al Franken, is mac 'n' cheese "a black thing"?, and more (11/2-24/11)
Tomorrow: (29) "Stupid" is what the Republican voter craves (and Mittens could be that man!). Plus: Newt sucks up $30K/hr of our money, Christine "I'm Not a Witch" O'D endorses Mitt, "Keep America American"?, phantom centrists (12/11-18/11)

FOR A COMPLETE LISTING OF THE SERIES, CLICK HERE

And don't forget 2010's Year in Review series and 2009's "12 Days of Christmas Scorn"!

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