Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Noah Diaries 2011: (31) Afterword -- What we learned from (or because of) Republicans this year. Plus: Quote of the Year revealed!


"Bill Burton did what every normal person should do when confronted with the nonstop lunacy and the nonstop lies of your typical Republican. He threw it right back into Porky’s face."

by Noah

We have a winner!

It was close, but there can only be one winner. I’m not one of those "Every player gets a trophy" guys. In my world, also known as reality, there are winners and there are losers, and both kids and adults need to learn this. Besides, losing can build character. Well, except with Republicans, of course. When they lose, they just get even meaner and even more sociopathic. With that in mind, I’m loving the fact that the person to whom I am giving the Quote of the Year title is not your typical nihilistic Republican, but a Democrat who spoke the truth.

I could have gone the other way, like choosing Ann Coulter for her "Our blacks are so much better than their blacks" utterance [see 11/2]. Her use of the possessive "our" is very revealing. That is the Republican mindset when it comes to African-Americans: ownership, or at least the wish to own. But the Coultergeist statement is an ordinary quote from her bitter, pathetic inner little child, the one who got pelted with a few chalk-filled erasers in elementary school and can’t move on.

I also considered Newt Gingrich’s dog-whistle racism of referring to President Obama as the "food stamp president" [see 5/17]. Note to Repugs: The majority of food stamps are used by Caucasians, especially rural Caucasians. But truth be damned when you want to spread your hate, eh, Newt?

There were so many deserving nominees! But the person I settled on was former Obama White House spokesman Bill Burton for his fab TV takedown [see the clip above] of one of this era’s more evil figures, Karl Rove [see 8/22]. Burton even did it on enemy territory, as he went on FOX and was subjected to a mountain of total Rovian bullcrap about how President Obama is rigid and unwilling to work with Republicans and wasn’t trying to create jobs, when in fact Obama has been way too nice and way too tolerant.

Bill Burton did what every normal person should do when confronted with the nonstop lunacy and the nonstop lies of your typical Republican. He threw it right back into Porky’s face:
I appreciate that you have an opinion on this, Karl. But as someone who was a leader in the White House that turned a record surplus into a deficit, that got us involved in a war that we never should have been in, and turned the floor of the New York Stock exchange into a casino, I don’t think the American people are quite ready to hear a lecture from you on good governance.

Burton led by example and got to the core of how injurious the Republicans have been to everyone in the world other than their 1% cronies. He spoke truth to scum, just as the wonderful Alan Grayson [also nominated -- see 10/11] does. Burton had no time and no tolerance for Rove’s sickening spew. 2012 will give us plenty more from the toxic vermin of the Republican Party. There is no point in trying to be nice.

(or because of)

Special "Unhealthy Obsession with Gayness" section:

1. When birds fall from the sky, it’s because God hates gays.

2. When fish fall from the sky, it’s because God hates gays.

3. Tornados? GAYS!

4. Hurricanes? DITTO!

5. Space debris? Probably.

6. Meteors? Yeah, I guess so. Oh wait, maybe that’s the fault of the poor.

7. Watching Chaz Bono on Dancing with the Stars will turn your child gay, and maybe even cause a request for a sex-change operation for Christmas. I don’t know about you, but I think watching Repug-approved programming like Liberace may be more perilous (in so many ways), and watching Dancing with the Stars would turn me into a homicidal maniac. Any child who saw Dick Armey doing his best Elaine Benes impersonation on this wretched excuse for entertainment is probably in need of drastic shock therapy.

8. Masturbation will turn you gay. (I’m not sure if they think it works this way for women too.)

9. God says Republicans should help Nigeria kill its gay population.

10. You can pray away the gay, but, well, let’s face it, you can’t pray away the stupid -- or flat-out insanity either.

What else? Well . . .

11. We also learned that ruining the economy and destroying our country is not too steep a price to pay for getting the Marxist Socialist Communist Fascist Kenyan Muslim you-know-what out of the White House.

12. Donald Trump’s "hair" is not a member of any known food group or species.

13. You don’t need a sanity clause.

14. No one from Texas should ever be allowed to run for president again. In fact, since so many of them don’t like being in America, we should give them back to Mexico and let Texans see how they like things then. The problem with my idea, though, is that the Mexicans would never want Texas the way it is now -- i.e., filled with Texans. So what do we do with them? Execute them?

15. Prayer solves every problem, but if you don’t have a job, it’s your fault.

16. Mitt Romney has a history of creating jobs. I’m not sure what alternate universe this happened in, since in this world he made his fortune shutting companies down and firing people, all while never mussing his hair. He is -- the Job Assassin.

17. Abortion is murder, but execution saves lives.

18. Masturbation is still murder. (I had three chicken eggs for breakfast. Does that mean that I murdered three chickens, and all the chickens that would have been the offspring of the three?)

19. There were no terror attacks on Bush’s watch. I know this to be true. I saw it on FOX; Hannity’s show, to be specific.

20. Fracked water is delicious and nutritious, especially when served as water flambé.

21. Contraceptives are murder weapons. So I have to ask: Are Republicans putting penis clauses in all of that concealed-weapons legislation of theirs?

22. Home schooling is the answer to overcrowded classes. Actually, it might be good if Republican kids were all home-schooled. It would solve the problem of overcrowded classrooms, and normal children would not be exposed to their depressing mental delusions. Would this home-schooling thing damage Republican children? No, the poor things are already a lost cause. An air of sanity would also be restored to PTA meetings and school-board meetings. It's a no-brainer.

23. Entitlement only applies to the top 1% and banksters, and accountability does not apply to them. The opposite is true for the rest of us.

24. Shared sacrifice is for suckers.

25. God takes time out from his busy schedule to tell Republicans to run for office.

26. God has a very strange sense of humor.

27. If any of the Republicans become president, of anything, there is no God.

28. Slavery was beneficial to African-American families, and presumably would be so again. Special thanks to Representative Bachmann for taking time out from her special little world to inform us about this.

29. When you or I accept money from the government, that’s socialism. When Republicans accept farm subsidies and grants for their "ministries," and Big Oil accepts subsidies, and banks accept bailouts, it’s not socialism.

30. Concepts like health-insurance reform and an individual mandate are fine when proposed by a Republican like Richard Nixon but not when proposed by an African-American Democratic president. Then it’s the stuff of a guy who is either a witch doctor with a bone in his nose or a fascist who looks an awful lot like Hitler. Likewise, the DREAM Act was fine when Senator McCain sponsored it, but now that Democrats are pushing it, even McCain has flip-flopped and voted against it. (Rachel Maddow suggested: "In America Today, Republican President Dwight D. Eisenhower Would Be Bernie Sanders in the U.S. Senate.")

31. It’s OK for Texas Governor Rick Perry to mandate that girls of a certain age be forced to have an injection of an HPV vaccine. Funny how we haven’t seen any pictures of Perry with a bone in his nose. Now why would that be?

32. The vaccine for the HPV virus can cause mental retardation. I’m not sure how Republicans would know this.

33. Union members are un-American, unless they play for professional sports teams. Then we cheer them and wear their jerseys. (Pictured at right: the Oklahoma City Thunder's Nazr Mohammed.)

34. Muslims are un-American and should be deported, unless they play for professional sports teams. Then we cheer them and wear their jerseys.

35. Carbon dioxide is not harmful to children.

36. A little radiation, or a lot, never hurt anyone.

37. The redistribution of wealth upward is good. Economic and tax fairness is bad, bad, bad.

38. The prison business is the business of the future, especially if you can follow Arizona’s lead and write some spiffy new laws to allow driver profiling in order to help fill those prisons. I think I heard that South Carolina wants a law that would require all drivers to have a dashboard Jesus, preferably one that lights up and recites bible passages. Expect Texas to pass a law punishing "Driving While Not Intoxicated."

39. Republicans still believe that the L.A. police are spending $1 billion on jet packs to help them fight crime.

40. Pepper spray is a food product.

41. Pizza is a vegetable.

42. "Let him die!" These are the same people that wouldn’t let Terry Schiavo die a dignified death. Go figure. Alan Grayson was right -- the current Republican Party wants you to "die quickly." It’s that Republican Culture of Death thing.

43. President Obama is mentally unstable and sent a rambling 75,000-word e-mail to millions of Americans which proves it. Therefore, he should be removed from office. (See Fox Nation readers confuse Onion article with real news.)

44. Let me boo you for your service! Booing our soldiers at debates is acceptable to Republicans. Combine soldiering with being gay and that’s a perfect storm for Republicans. What they haven’t told you yet is that Republicans fear armies of gay soldiers coming into their gated communities and forcing their children to watch Chaz Bono on their 72-inch wide-screen TVs. Next they fear the same soldiers going to Hollywood and combining forces with "those Hollywood liberals," making a series of Chaz Bono Meets the Teletubbies movies. PG rating, of course. And yes, Spongebob Homopants will get more than a few cameos, everything will be in 3D (everything), and the words "Go homo" and "Get a sex change" will be subliminally flashed on the screen for the duration of the films and popcorn buckets with built-in penises are being manufactured secretly in a factory outside Youngstown, Ohio, as part of President Obama’s jobs program. By the way, the factory has a Muslim community center.

45. "Corporations are people, my friend. . . . Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to people."

History in the making:
Selections from THE NOAH DIARIES 2011

Tuesday: (30) Ron Paul a racist? It can't be! Plus: Who's "a skinny ghetto crackhead"?, Big Ole Butt?, a mighty "Christian" cardinal, Christmas in Jerusalem, and more (12/21-28/11)
And a better 2012 to all (but I wouldn't hold my breath)


And don't forget 2010's Year in Review series and 2009's "12 Days of Christmas Scorn"!

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