The Noah Diaries (14): Billions for Big Oil, pennies for food stamps

Gas prices rise and fall, Meghan McCain lashes back at Glenn B, the $enate & Big Oil, Newt plays the food stamp card, and more


by Noah

5/13/11 -- Public outrage has been building to a fever pitch over rising gas prices

Yesterday the Senate brought in the five turdbrains who run the top five oil companies for a little dog-and-pony-show discussion of said prices for the public. The key issue was the question millions are asking: Why keep paying Big Oil corporate welfare in the form of taxpayer-funded subsidies that total at least $35 billion a year? Why give these lowlifes even one dime when they’ve already been given so many tax breaks from the politicians they own that they don’t pay any taxes to begin with? Exxon, for instance, made profits in excess of $45 billion last year and paid nothing.

Meanwhile, we all bought nice suits for the execs and put their cretinous offspring through college so they can screw the next generation too. One of them, Chevron’s John S. Watson (I don't suppose the S stands for "Shithead"), even deflected the question of shared sacrifice with a little second-grade cuteness about what he called "shared prosperity," saying that Americans don’t really want "shared sacrifice" on the part of oil companies. He took the prize of the day. Where’s a nun with a ruler when you need one?

Three of the Big Oily Five: Chevron CEO John Watson, Shell Oil President Marvin Odum, and BP America Chairman H. Lamar McKay

The whole thing reminded me of when the heads of the cancer-stick companies stood before Congress and swore that nicotine wasn’t bad for you. My reaction to that was that they should be locked in a windowless room (with the key thrown away) outfitted with blowers that constantly filled the room with billowing cigarette smoke. After a while the blowers would be turned off and the room would be filled with the clean air of a nice spring day. The cretins would still be kept in the room. The walls would be plastered with nice ads for their products to remind them of the outside world, but alas, no free sample ciggies and definitely no matches. Watch the edgy fun begin.

I know I digress, but I have a special place in my mind for this kind of "people." I guess for the snorting and snuffling oil pigs the solution would entail a swim in the Gulf of Mexico the next time one of their "foolproof" wells blows its stack. Or maybe the next time they get dragged into Congress their water pitchers should be filled with the product of a water table that has been polluted by one of their fracking binges. They would get matches. Yummy, can I light up a nice cool glass of water for ya? Or should I just waterboard you until you spontaneously combust?

Now why would I be so cynical this morning? Well, it’s just been announced that the price of gas is expected to go down 20 cents or so in time for Memorial Day Weekend. In other words, the Big Five oil piggies felt the heat and the fear of losing their subsidies and made some calls as soon as they walked out of the Senate to board their fuel-guzzling private jets, hoping to cool some of that heat. Hell, I get the feeling that they could have lowered prices from their Droids and iPhones while being questioned by Democratic senators and then raised them again while fielding softballs and plaudits from the Republican ones, like the insufferable brain- damaged Orrin Hatch. Maybe we could even have some meters on the side of the CNBC screen so we can watch the up and down next time. Truck-draggin’ is too good for some.

Meanwhile, back in April the Senate approved cutting the amount of food stamps you can get per month by $15. That’s a lot if you're on food stamps. Better order up some more trucks and chains.


5/12/11 -- Glenn Beck gets beaten up by a girl, probably not the first time either

Maybe a few kicks in the head in grade school explain his attitude toward life, and also explain his unglued persona. But this time the girl was none other than John McCranky’s 26-year-old daughter Meghan. Not that she’s perfect; she is a Republican, after all, and one with a family that appears to be more dysfunctional than we’ll know for a long time, but she is certainly compos mentis and is no Bachmann, Beck, Palin, Hannity, Bolling, or Monica Crowley, to point out a few. No, Meghan is a highly articulate woman. She doesn’t speak the insanity or the usual spew of Repug gibberish.

So when Beck went off under one of his spells and started ridiculing Meghan for doing a public-service TV spot to warn of the dangers of skin cancer and, gasp, showed some bare shoulders to illustrate the point, Beck got all upset about the sight of bare female skin. He and one of his sidekicks made extensive vomiting noises at the thought. Does this reveal something we didn’t know about Beck? Maybe the most revealing quote from him on this matter was that he was trying "to imagine John McCain naked with long blond hair." Well, Glenn, whatever floats your boat or raises your rocket, as I always say!

Beck even got in touch with his inner Muslim fun-da-mental when he suggested that Meghan should wear a burka "to be extra safe." Man, she really got to you, didn’t she, Glenn? Female = scary -- ver-r-ry scary, eh, Glenn? Are your nightmares peopled with naked women just flaunting it? How dare they! I bet certain words really send him off the map. If I ever saw him in the street, I’d walk up to him and say ‘"vagina" in my best exorcist voice and watch gleefully as he dissolved into a crying puddle of his own tears.

Now, to most of us, hetero or not, Republican or progressive or whatever, Meghan McCain is a perfectly normal-looking, reasonably attractive young woman, except to Beck with his apparent "problem," and maybe to Hannity, who’s probably jealous that Meghan would look better in a tutu than he does behind that desk of his. To Beck, this was a major affront to decency, not unlike having President Obama address schoolkids or, gasp, have a rap dude over to the White House.

Meghan responded immediately, telling Beck to shut up about her body and adding, quite sarcastically: "As a person known for his hot body, you must find it easy to judge the weight fluctuations of others, especially young women." Then she then asked if Beck really wanted to say such things that his own teenage daughters might take to heart in a bad way. What a dad!

Speaking of dads, Meghan’s got in on the act, although his daughter seems to be able to handle herself. But, there’s some extra poignancy here since her father has had such a horrible battle with skin cancer himself. John McCain simply said he was very proud of his daughter and he wouldn’t dignify Beck’s actions with a further comment.


5/17/11 -- Quote of the Year nominee: Newt being Newt

President Obama is the most successful food stamp president in American history. More people are on food stamps today than any point in American history and he’s proud of it.

On Sunday’s Meet the Press David Gregory asked Newtie about the racial tinge in his calling President Obama "the food stamp president." Newt was, of course, speaking code before a Southern audience, the kind of audience where he feels most comfortable and able to let his hair down a bit.

This sort of thing used to work better for politicians, before there was a media that could broadcast their words around the world for all to see in an instant. Just ask former Viginia Sen. George "Macaca" Allen.

Yesterday Sarah Palin took the Ultimate Stretch Challenge and said that it was Gregory who was being racist for asking the question. Right, and Gregory’s mom was the most racist of all for giving birth to a guy who would dare to ask such a question!

In the first place, who asked Palin what the hell she thinks about anything? Answer, Sean Insanity. Now there’s a pair. Palin is just trying to grasp some last camera time before the sand runs out on her "15 minutes of fame." A place is being prepared for her in the Dan Quayle Museum. OK, maybe that’s harsh. Deserved, but harsh. She may end up with a show on public-access TV, sandwiched between a telepsychic and some naked dancing show. Come to think of it, if FOX keeps going in the direction it is, it will be hard to see the difference, and Palin won’t even have to move. The Birther Channel has already zoomed right past needing subtitles into straitjacket-gibberish land. To be fair, though, she may end up on daytime TV as some sort of Oprah for crackers and other nutballs.

Newtie is just trying to ramp up the racism that is inherent in the Republican voter. It’s part of his stock in trade. It might have been better if Gregory had pointed out that while the Repug rabble Newtie was speaking code to think that most food stamps are used by inner-city African Americans, that’s not actually so. The bigger percentage is used by rural white people. That’s an inconvenient truth in Newtie’s world.


5/18/11 -- The U.S. $enate: A Division of Big Oil Inc.

The Center for American Progress has found that the 48 $enators who always side with Big Oil on issues that affect all of us have received over $21 million in oily career "campaign contributions," while the 52 $enators not completely owned and operated by Big Oil have received a paltry $5.4 million.

And if the Oily 48 had not taken the money? They would see it spent on campaigns to elect someone else to their position. Citizens United will only make this much worse. Washington is even more for sale than it ever was.

The latest result of this situation is that Republicans in Congress have just voted to keep handing out $4 billion a year in taxpayer-funded subsidies to Big Oil in an era where they are making tens of billions in profits and the pump price keeps going up.

As of February, 74 percent of Americans publicly supported the elimination of those $4 billion-a-year subsidies for Big Oil. While Repugs want us to sacrifice at the pump, at the doctor’s office, at hospitals, at schools, at our jobs if we have them, and want us to lose Medicare and Social Security benefits, they want to keep giving Big Oil billions. Why? Because Big Oil gives kickbacks in the form of "campaign contributions." Big Oil makes record profits and pays no taxes, while we get far less and pay our taxes as well as theirs. We pay tax dollars every time we fill up.

Republicans see nothing wrong with this picture. Fairness? Shared sacrifice?

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History in the making:
Selections from THE NOAH DIARIES 2011

Yesterday: (13) A rapper in the Obama White House? Oh, horror! Plus: What liberal media?, SD campaign in war on women, Ryan sinking Repugs?, FCC shill goes on Comcast payroll officially, and more (5/10-12/11)
Tomorrow: (15) The world came to an end -- twice! Hoax detector Ben Stein, hoax makers Glenn Beck and Harold Camping, Ahnold can't be prez and T-Paw won't be, and more (5/20-25/11)

FOR A COMPLETE LISTING OF THE SERIES, CLICK HERE

And don't forget 2010's Year in Review series and 2009's "12 Days of Christmas Scorn"!

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