The Noah Diaries (26): Masturbation is a form of homosexuality!

Spot the loony: (1) Mark Driscoll and (2) Rick Santorum, Repugs' Thesaurus: 30 ways to say n*gg*r, how did the GOP sink to this?

Pastor Mark Driscoll offers this dilly as a free e-book. In it he explains how masturbation can be a form of homosexuality. (We're not going to provide a link, but if you're interested, you shouldn't have any trouble finding it.)

by Noah

10/19/11 -- Spot the loony: (1) Pastor Mark Driscoll -- Masturbation is a form of homosexuality!



The First Church of Wanking. You know, some days you can wake up thinking that you know everything you need to know to lead a happy life, but then . . . along comes wingnut Pastor Mark Driscoll with an important new message that could alter the very fabric of society! His message?

Masturbation is a form of homosexuality!

Gee, and I thought it was only murder!


Heeerre we go again: Republicans and sex. What is it about their psyches? Driscoll manages, in his hot new booklet Porn-Again Christian: a frank discussion on pornography & masturbation for God's men, to offer not just unintended self-satire but simultaneous self-revelation.

First, masturbation can be a form of homosexuality because it is a sexual act that does not involve a woman. If a man were to masturbate while engaged in other forms of sexual intimacy with his wife then he would not be doing so in a homosexual way. However, any man who does so without his wife in the room is bordering on homosexual activity, particularly if he's watching himself in a mirror and being turned on by his own male body.

Sigh. "Does not involve a woman"? Speak for yourself, buddy! I don't know about you, pastor, but for us hetero males it's safe to say that a woman is involved, somehow.

Conservatives make sex so-o-o complicated. Does the wife have to be conscious? What if she's passed out drunk behind the couch -- is that OK? And why does marriage have to enter into it? Are we now saying that masturbation is strictly between one man and one woman? What if the "wife" is a blow-up doll? I bet this guy has a lot of mirrors in his house! Calling Dr. Freud! Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes it's much more.

What's next? Wankers Anonymous? "Hi, my name is Mark." "Hi, Mark!" Is there a Republican 12-step program now for masturbators? Do you have to call your friends after 30 days and ask their forgiveness for all your wanking? Can you pray away the masturbation? Is Michele Bachmann's husband a chronic masturbator? Since Texas Rep. Louie "The Bestiality Guy" Goehmert [see 7/6] and Republican presidential candidate Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum [see below] say that gayness leads to bestiality, does it naturally follow that masturbation does? Are there masturbation classes at Catholic seminary schools? Do we now know why Liberace's parents got him a piano? Too late!

Maybe Pastor Driscoll just needs to go off in a dark corner and spend some quality time with Bill O'Reilly's loofah.




10/20/11 -- Spot the loony: (2) Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum

Since we're talking about Republicans and their little problems with sex; presidential candidate Rick "Man on Dog" Santorum has stepped up and pledged to defund contraception.

"It's not okay. It's a license to do things."

Yeah, icky things. Ooooh, so-o-o disturbing. Mommy, Mommy! This is another fine example of how Republicans want to always dictate what we do. In the Republican dream world, women just stay home, out of the workplace, and become brood sows. Said Santorum in the squeamish interview with CaffeinatedThoughts.com:

[Sex] is supposed to be within marriage. It's supposed to be for purposes that are yes, conjugal . . . but also procreative. That's the perfect way that a sexual union should happen. . . . This is special, and it needs to be seen as special.

As I write this, the world population is zooming toward 7 billion people. Since the Repugs took over the House of Representatives, they have engaged in a war on Planned Parenthood and passed seven (count ‘em, 7) different anti-abortion laws, including their most recent "Let Them Die" bill, which outlaws abortions that would save the life of a woman. How far will they go with their anti-sex jihad?

Clearly next on the drawing board is outlawing contraception. Never mind that we don't seem to be able to feed and educate the people we have in this country, with the Republicans in particular doing everything they can to hinder both. Let's also not forget that some contraceptives can help prevent the spreading of sexually transmitted disease.

The Guttmacher Institute says that without funding for contraceptives, "abortions occurring in the United States would be nearly two-thirds higher among women overall and among teens; the number of unintended pregnancies among poor women would nearly double."

It's obvious that the Republican Culture of Death is pro-starvation and, despite what they say, would increase the number of abortions. We know they say they are anti-abortion, but the reality of their philosophy (if you want to call it that) is that back-alley abortions will rise and women will die. It's a perfect storm for nihilists like Santorum. I wonder if he owns stock in a wire-coat-hanger factory.


Warning: This chatfest goes on, and on, for 45 minutes. Anyone who makes it to the end ought to be entitled to a mutual wanking session with the "Man on Dog" man.


10/25/11 -- Thought for the Day: From the Repugs' Thesaurus -- 30 ways to say n*gg*r

ACORN, socialist, secret Muslim, communist, community organizer, birth certificate, uppity, Kenyan, Kenyan world view, Sharpton, crack, Gorillas in the Mist, not a traditional guy, welfare, rap music, SEIU, stop and search, basketball, men's-room attendant, witch doctor, nappy-headed ho, porch monkey, "Barack the Magic Negro," food stamps, voter fraud, coon, failing public schools, affirmative-action candidate, motor-voter ID, state's-rights issue


10/26/11 -- Imagine: Herman Cain selects Lindsay Lohan as running mate, and Republicans cheer! (Say, just how did the once-Grand Old Party sink to this?)

So how does it get to this all-too-possible scenario for today's Republican Party? This is not your father's or grandfather's Republican Party. There are no reasoning, pragmatic, or moderate Republicans anymore. There are no Republican candidates who have the vision to propose anything like the Interstate Highway System that "Ike" Eisenhower did. Instead, when it comes to infrastructure, as with everything else, the Republican answer is, "Let them die." Today's Republicans are like the little boy in the Adams Family who staged train wrecks with his toys, taking glee in the mayhem of collapsed bridges. The death that is merely implied is just "cool."

The Interstate Highway System: Once upon a time . . .

So how did this sad state of affairs happen?

There are obvious reasons, not the least of which is that there's a whole nihilistic TV network dedicated to promoting insanity and social mayhem (all while promoting policies that sell out our country to the Chinese, of course). It wouldn't surprise me if it was discovered that Sean Hannity and Ann Coultergeist actually grew up in a real Adams Family.

There is, however, another factor: what we can call "lowering the bar." Think about it. Texas had George Bush and 50 million people accepted him, so now the Repugs push the envelope a little further and we have Rick Perry -- from a governor who said the jury is out on evolution to a birther governor who surrounds himself with religious-cult zombies who think birds fall from the sky and masses of fish die because there are gay people, un-cured gay people [see 9/23]! Right in your own town! They're, they're everywhere, ohmygod!

Then we have a Sarah Palin, who can pal around with bomb-making secessionist terroristas while undergoing purification rituals at her "church" to protect herself from witchcraft and be a party hero [see 4/27]. Michele Bachmann? Don't get me started. Newt? The guy who dreams of armbands and a Fourth Reich? Why are such people given the time of day by our media, let alone the legitimacy that comes with their attention?

What's the Republican idea of a job for the middle class? Volunteerism, perhaps? Whether for a charity or for one of their corporations. After that it's auctioning everything in your house, right down to the copper pipes, on eBay -- while you still have a house, that is. Then there's becoming a flea market entrepreneur, or gathering up bottles and cans from the street and cashing them in for the deposit money. I'm seeing more and more obvious middle classers doing just this here in New York City. It's the Republican wet dream: having everyone else pick up after them.

The Republicans bring the crazy. They bring the irrational. It's who they are. They often argue about evolution, but maybe the real argument should be about the obvious de-evolution they nurture. We already have a Republican House of Representatives that has done nothing but fight for the continued redistribution of wealth upward while passing their flurry of anti-abortion laws. To me, the Republicans make the case for abortion every time they open their mouths. Maybe I should run for Congress and introduce a retro-abortion bill.

I'd like to know how many anti-abortion politicians have paid for an abortion in their lives. How about we take care of the living -- educating them, providing job opportunities, a chance for good and life-saving health care? We can always argue about abortion later, if there is a later. Ya gotta wonder about a species that spits out anger about abortion during the day and applauds someone who shouts "Let him die" at night.

To most Republicans, Willard "Mitt" Romney is practically a commie. A crook like Richard Nixon would be seen as far too liberal for today's Republican Party. Even the sainted Ronald might have a problem. G.H.W. Bushie too. After all, they did some of that evil tax-raising thing.

Republican insanity is nothing new. Pat Buchanan, who believes our country should have sided with Germany instead of England in World War II, was a senior adviser to Presidents Nixon, Ford, and Reagan. He ran as a candidate himself for the Republican nomination for president in 1992 and 1996. The difference between then and now is that back then he was considered too conservative and definitely too whacked out to have a serious chance at his party's nomination. Now he wouldn't just be a serious mainstream Republican, he'd be in a dogfight for the nomination with people very much like him.

This is no coincidence. The influence of John Birchers like the Koch brothers and people who have an interest in Chinese domination such as Rupert Murdoch is powerful. The lunatics they're pushing on us are fronts for something much darker.

It's come to the point where not just Rick Perry but Herman Cain is enjoying love and devotion from Republicans in every corner and under every rock in the land. As I write this, Terry Jones, the Koran-burning rightie pastor from Florida who sparked riots and additional hatred of America throughout the Muslim world, has announced his candidacy for president. The horror is that it doesn't even seem odd anymore. Pastor Jones fits right in with the other asylum escapees we see on FOX or at the Republican debates. This guy who was called a wacko just months ago is now a mainstream Republican. The bar keeps going down, down, down.

One has to wonder what the Republicans will come up with in 2016. Charlie Manson could probably get the Republican nomination. He's always wanted a race war. The "I'm not a witch. I'm just like you" lady from Delaware? Britney Spears? Paris Hilton? Lindsay Lohan herself? Mark "The Appalachian Trail Guy" Sanford? Already, a lot of Republicans have openly mentioned a Glenn Beck-Sarah Palin ticket. How about Vinnie "The Chin" Gigante in his pajamas? It's not so far-fetched, not anymore.

§

History in the making:
Selections from THE NOAH DIARIES 2011

Yesterday: (25) "Current emissions are not causing air-quality or public-health problems anywhere in America" (Steve Milloy of Fox "News"). Plus: Secede already, Texas!, Solyndra -- all Obama's fault, Repugs on science, megachurch mogul calls Mormons a cult, and more (10/3-18/11)
Tomorrow, a supersize installment (all of November!): (27) "Our blacks are so much better than their blacks" (Coultergeist). Plus: Judge beats daughter, Rick Perry melts down, "manly" pizza, my letter to Al Franken, is mac 'n' cheese "a black thing"?, and more (11/11)

FOR A COMPLETE LISTING OF THE SERIES, CLICK HERE

And don't forget 2010's Year in Review series and 2009's "12 Days of Christmas Scorn"!

#