Crackpot Utopia: The Year in Republican Crazy, Part 5

• The GOP and the kiss heard 'round the world
• Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 5: Joe the Plumber

Michael and Vito

Crackpot Utopia: A dream world as envisioned by republicans; a manifestation or expression of the deranged, warped alternate universe inhabited by republicans, at least in their minds. See also: Bachmannism, Boehneresque.

by Noah

1. The GOP and the kiss heard 'round the world


Michael (96) sacks Cleveland Browns QB Johnny Manziel in preseason.

Well, you had to expect it. In April, Michael Sam, a football player who happens to be a gay man, gets drafted by the NFL's St. Louis Rams and in a moment of pure joy and relief kisses the love of his life. Let the explosion of wingnuttia begin!

The Christian element went full-Muslim-intolerance jihad on this one. American Family Association spokeswacko Bryan Fischer urged therapy for Michael. Wingnuts started in on their quoting of the usual Bible passages, putting aside any contradictory passages. Gol-lee! He done did it right thar on the teevee! The Lord sure gonna be mightily displeased! How do I know? The Bible tells me so!

Herman Cain's website called The Kiss "cringe-inducing," while the site's Dan Calabrese, calling acceptance of gay people a "rebellion against God," wrote: "The natural inclination of the human being to look at two men kissing and say, 'Ewwww!' . . . comes from God."

GOP K Street lobbyist Jack Burkman hissed like some Flash Gordon nemesis about "unleashing a relentless boycott," warning the NFL that "there will be a terrible financial price to pay."

Michigan's U.P.

I half expected South Carolina and Michigan's Upper Peninsula to finally secede for good and for real over this one; and good riddance to stinking rubbish. The outrage from the flaming outraged crowd was so beyond ridiculous that I expected to see republicans exploding from apoplexy right in the streets. If only! Hey, if I had to walk around in a full-length poncho and goggles in order to avoid the mess for a day or two, I'd happily put up with it. The worst part would be the smell, but if two gay men kissing is all it takes, then get to it, gay guys! Alert the networks! Call the paparazzi!

"Michael Sam is a football player."

All-American Michael Sam is openly gay. That's right, All-American. Will his talents as a football player ever translate to the NFL game? That remains to be seen, but, as we've all heard, he is the first openly gay man to be selected by an NFL franchise. Perhaps Rams coach Jeff Fisher (right), a no-nonsense man if there ever was one, said it best: "Michael Sam is a football player." Period. So, what is there to care about? The righties can accept drug addicts, wife-beaters, and even murderers in the uniforms of their favorite football teams, but not homosexuals? No, that's a bridge way too far when your IQ rests in single-digit territory.

The righty reaction was fast and furious. Some complained that young children shouldn't "have to see such a thing" on TV. Sure, it's OK for them to see cars plunge over cliffs and burst into flames with the driver inside and people get machine-gunned, tossed off of buildings and all that, but see two men kiss? Whoa! I don't even have to ask what the reaction of the same idiots would be if it was two women kissing. Hey, that's hot! Bill-O would have to get out his loofah and head for the men's room for for a bit of fun with Little Billy. And why is it OK to be a gay lady tennis player, WNBA basketball player or even girls' college softball pitcher but not a defensive end in the NFL?

Oh, I forgot. Reason does not come to play when you're a republican. One commenter to the AP's May 12 online article called Michael Sam a "little twink." Would he call Michael Sam that to his face? Another likened seeing Sam kiss his boyfriend on ESPN to seeing an old man kiss an underage girl. Well, Michael Sam and Vito Cammisano are both of age, so what is it that bothers these cretins? Progressive Radio host Stephanie Miller explained it best to "the disturbed." To paraphrase her, it's like when your daddy likes your mommy, they kiss. Got it, republicans? No, of course not. You want your country back -- from sanity, or something.

FOX and their miserable ilk were eminently predictable. Delving into their massive False Equivalency Vault, it only took minutes for them to start playing the "War on Christianity" victim card and whining about an imagined double standard that somehow involved the obnoxious Tim "Jesus as a Marketing Plan" Tebow (right) who spent his very brief NFL career making a big show of his Christianity on the field. Last I heard, Michael Sam has never made a show of being gay when he tackled an opposing quarterback. Sigh, I guess that's a difference that's just way too complex for the limited republican mind. Tebow always acted like he was entitled to something and his patented "Tebowing" would get it for him. Michael Sam wants to be judged only as a football player.

Meanwhile, in North Carolina, speaking of Christian love for all, Pastor Charles Worley called for "lesbians and queers" to be rounded up and placed in camps with electrified fences and left to die. There go the righties, playing the Nazi card on themselves again! Worley's "theory" is that since gays don't "reproduce," homosexuality will die out. "Problem" solved! Says Worley:

We offer no apologies in believing the King James Version of the Bible is the inerrant Word of God. If you are in this area or are ever passing through, I invite you to come visit with us at Providence Road Baptist Church.

Man, his church sounds like one hell of a fun place to visit! It is, after all, a little slice of Crackpot Utopia!

All is not lost, though. Two days after the NFL draft, Michael Sam's St. Louis Rams Jersey was the second-fastest-selling jersey out of all the 256 players picked. So, just who is in the minority? Sure, gay guys like to shop, but that doesn't sound like just gay guys buying.




2. Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 5:
The famous Joe the Plumber

In the wake of the mass killings in Santa Barbara by a lunatic named Elliot Rogers, and a father's moving message to politicians and the NRA, republican genius and John McCain consultant Joe the Plumber had this to say to the grieving father: "Your dead kids don't trump my Constitutional rights."

Yeesh! And republicans wonder why normal people regard them as, at the least, insensitive a-holes. To be fair (and I'm always fair), I've pulled this quote out of context. The full quote is: "It may sound harsh but your dead kids don't trump my Constitutional rights."

That's right, this crackpot, knuckle-dragging australopithecine actually had some glimmer of awareness that what he was saying was "harsh," and he said it anyway, thus allying himself with the shooter. Yo, in yo face, you parents of shooting victims, in yo face!

Sigh, they just can't control themselves.


TOMORROW IN PART 6: A word about South Carolina; Pat Robertson and his magic asteroid; and I'll have a pack of Twizzlers and an IUD to go, please

NOAH'S 2014 IN REVIEW --
Crackpot Utopia: The Year in Republican Crazy

Part 1: Princess Liz Cheney tries for the Smoothie of the Year Award; "Miss Beck regrets" -- Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 1: Glenn Beck; and the Crackpot Party reacts to President Obama’s State of the Union speech [12/19/2014]
Part 2: Republicans wonder why normal people call them racists; Sean Hannity wants to self-deport; and the First Annual Mr. Burns Award, to ABC "shark" Kevin O'Leary [12/20/2014]
Part 3: Using fear, loathing, and paranoia to sell stuff; Arizona legalizes crack!; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 3: Bill O’Reilly [12/21/2014]
Part 4: A celebration of Michele Bachmann: Pray away the crazy?; What "War on Women"?; and the "Obama angle" on Malaysian Flight 370 [12/22/2014]
Part 5: The GOP and the kiss heard 'round the world; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 5: Joe the Plumber [12/23/2014]
Part 6: A word about South Carolina; Pat Robertson and his magic asteroid; and I'll have a pack of Twizzlers and an IUD to go, please [12/24/2014]
Part 7: And so it begins: The running of the buffoons; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 7, George Will has no idea what rape is; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 8, Rick Wiles calls for a coup [12/29/2014]
Part 8: Things to come: Forward into the past! (11 Presidential Dream Tickets); Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 9: Former republican VP nominee Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 10: Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association [12/30/2014]
Part 9: Pompous Blowhard of the Year Award: Bill O’Reilly; FOX "News" announces new spinoff: the "FOX Benghazi™" Shopping Channel!; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 11: DiGiorno Pizza [12/31/2014]
Part 10: Newsmax -- Beyond Drudgery; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominees Nos. 12 and 13: Michele Bachmann, Kimberly Guilfoyle [1/1/2015]
Part 11: GOP and FOX whip up the hate over a POW exchange; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 14: Iowa asylum escapee Rep. Steve King [1/3/2015]
Part 12: Arizona Republican protests busload of YMCA campers; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee(s) No. 15: the Impeachment Variations (group nomination); Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 16: NM Rep. Steve Pearce [1/4/2015]
Part 13 (and last): TV for Dummies: Sarah Palin launches her own channel; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 17: Arizona schools superintendent John Huppenthal (rhymes with Neanderthal); and the final Crazyspeak of the Year nominee -- and also the winner! [1/5/2015]

NOAH'S 2013 IN REVIEW --
A Prayer to the Janitor of Lunacy*

For listings and links, see Part 1 of this year's series.

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