Crackpot Utopia: The Year in Republican Crazy, Part 4

• A celebration of Michele Bachmann: Pray away the crazy?
• What "War on Women"?
• And the "Obama angle" on Malaysian Flight 370

Miss Michele: Praying away the crazy?

Crackpot Utopia: A dream world as envisioned by republicans; a manifestation or expression of the deranged, warped alternate universe inhabited by republicans, at least in their minds. See also: Bachmannism, Boehneresque.

by Noah

1. A celebration of Michele Bachmann:
Pray away the crazy?

Ms. Bachmann has checked out -- of Congress. But we'll always have her words:

John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have too.

Of course the John Wayne that was from Waterloo was serial killer John Wayne Gacy, who molested and killed boys before he buried them in the crawl space under his house.

There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.

That pearl of wisdom from Bachmann came as she spoke at a republican leadership conference. Can't you just see them nodding their heads in agreement?

And who could forget Bachmann calling Planned Parenthood the "Lenscrafters of big abortion."

Here's Bachmann channeling Republican idol Joe McCarthy:

I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of people in Congress and find out if they are pro-America or anti-America.

Lastly, here she is, concerned that the Obama White House has a dastardly plan for America's youth, featuring --

.reeducation camps for young people, where young people have to go and get trained in a philosophy that the government puts forward

Yeah, I left out the bits about the HPV shots causing mental retardation, the railing against socialism while profiting from farm subsidy programs, the FEMA camps, calling Obamacare "the crown jewel of socialism," and so much more. But that would just be piling on.

 As they say: Michele, don't let the door hit ya. No, wait, let it hit ya. I hope it's on a tight spring, like your mind.


2. What "War on Women"?

Hardly a day goes by when we don't hear from the republican pro-rape caucus. Remember Paul Ryan's statement that rape is just another form of insemination? He made it all the way to being nominated for VP by the republican party! How about republicans closing all those Planned Parenthood clinics where most women in this country got screened for uterine and breast cancers? And who could forget "if it's a legitimate rape"?

"War on Women"? What War on Women?


In February, Maine's Lawrence Lockman got around to sort-of-apologizing for a quarter-century of eye-popping public knuckle-dragging. Are the home folks buying it?

For those who worry about who might replace assorted republican nutjobs if and when they do the world a favor and leave the scene, not to worry. The party has quite a roster of up-and-comers, not just in the U.S. House but also in our state legislatures. Here's just one of them, Maine state Rep. Lawrence Lockman. who back in 1990 voiced the repug concept of freedom:

If a woman has [the right to an abortion], why shouldn't a man be free to use his superior strength to force himself on a woman? At least the rapist's pursuit of sexual freedom doesn't [in most cases] result in anyone's death.

Somehow, merely calling republicans knuckle-draggers isn't enough. Calling them Neanderthals would be insulting to Neanderthals.

People in Maine voted for this a-hole! He has a long history of such statements. His prime obsessions seem to be abortion and what he calls "the normalization of homosexuality," which he says are "the two cutting-edge moral issues of our time." In 1995, in an op-ed in the Lewiston Sun Journal, Lockman offered the following about anti-gay discrimination measures promoted by activists: "You can bet the rent money they will demand that employers set up goals and timetables to achieve 10 percent homosexual representation in the workforce and in government contracts."

Lockman has also been very vocal in speaking out about anti-bullying and diversity initiatives in his state's schools. He has called them "politically correct liberal fascism." He dared expose what he called the "homosexual rights movement" as "a covert scheme to use federal crime-control funds to transform Maine's public schools into gay-activist indoctrination centers."

Displaying his ignorance of the law and how our government works, Lockman has also justified his anti-tax activism saying, "According to the Constitution of the United States, the federal government has no authority to force people to pay income taxes." He has refused to pay taxes, even though he enjoys the benefits of them right down to supplying the comforts he partakes in to and from work, at work, and, of course, at home -- unless, I guess, he only lights his home with candles and flies to work on a broom. He even expressed his admiration for Gordon Kahl, a tax-resistor Posse Comitatus leader who died in a shootout with U.S. marshals, but not before he and his group killed two of them.

In February, more than 25 years after the original jaw-dropper equating abortion and rape, Lockman actually sort-of-apologized for this and some of his other past statements.

I have always been passionate about my beliefs, and years ago I said things that I regret. . . I hold no animosity toward anyone by virtue of their gender or sexual orientation, and today I am focused on ensuring freedom and economic prosperity for all Mainers.

Like I said, people in Maine voted for this guy. None of the above was unknown when he was elected to the state House in 2012.

There are Lawrence Lockmans in the legislatures of every state, waiting for the chance to move on up to national office. The likes of Sen. Rafael "Ted" Cruz will welcome them with open arms and hearts.


In June, on FX's Outnumbered (a panel show with four crazed ultra-right-wing women undoubtedly "outnumbering" a single male crypto-liberal), Andrea Tantaros declared the Supreme Court's Hobby Lobby ruling restricting access to birth control "a huge win for women" -- women, she explained, who own businesses! We'll hear more from Andrea in just a moment.


3. The exploitation of the human tragedy of Malaysian Flight 370: FOX types look for the Obama angle!



Somehow, in the republican mind, the disappearance of Malaysian Flight 370 had to be Obama's fault. Isn't everything? Soaring gas prices? You bet! Superstorm Sandy? He created it by seeding the clouds! Benghazi? Say no more!

So, why not the missing plane? Better yet, why not tie the plane tragedy to Benghazi? Two-for-one! It's a win-win! Here's FOX's Andrea Tantaros, one of the most deranged people on FOX (and that is sayin' something), broadcasting from Crackpot Central:

. . . and watching the footage of that Malaysian woman . . . it's just so sad. . . . Living in Malaysia, the government seemingly ignored these people. They didn't want their stories to get out, they weren't talking to them. . . They were saying, "No one has come to my house, no one has told me what has happened." . . . Feels like the families of Benghazi, just saying.

Yep. Just saying, Andrea, that your Obama Derangement Syndrome is so far out of hand that you ain't never comin' back to the real world. It's like your mind itself was on that plane as it sadly slipped, in pieces, below the waves of the Indian Ocean. Just saying.

Meanwhile, Dr. Jim Garrow, fellow FOX nutball and frequent contributor to FOX News' Erik Rush's radio show, had it all figured out: The "America-hating fraud in the Oval office" (i.e., President Obama), working with "the Chinese," blew up the plane! Garrow has it all worked out, much like Glenn Beck when he knew our government was involved in the Boston Marathon bombing.

It all makes sense if your mind lives in Crackpot Utopia!


TOMORROW IN PART 5: The GOP and the kiss heard 'round the world; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 5: Joe the Plumber

NOAH'S 2014 IN REVIEW --
Crackpot Utopia: The Year in Republican Crazy

Part 1: Princess Liz Cheney tries for the Smoothie of the Year Award; "Miss Beck regrets" -- Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 1: Glenn Beck; and the Crackpot Party reacts to President Obama’s State of the Union speech [12/19/2014]
Part 2: Republicans wonder why normal people call them racists; Sean Hannity wants to self-deport; and the First Annual Mr. Burns Award, to ABC "shark" Kevin O'Leary [12/20/2014]
Part 3: Using fear, loathing, and paranoia to sell stuff; Arizona legalizes crack!; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 3: Bill O’Reilly [12/21/2014]
Part 4: A celebration of Michele Bachmann: Pray away the crazy?; What "War on Women"?; and the "Obama angle" on Malaysian Flight 370 [12/22/2014]
Part 5: The GOP and the kiss heard 'round the world; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 5: Joe the Plumber [12/23/2014]
Part 6: A word about South Carolina; Pat Robertson and his magic asteroid; and I'll have a pack of Twizzlers and an IUD to go, please [12/24/2014]
Part 7: And so it begins: The running of the buffoons; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 7, George Will has no idea what rape is; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 8, Rick Wiles calls for a coup [12/29/2014]
Part 8: Things to come: Forward into the past! (11 Presidential Dream Tickets); Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 9: Former republican VP nominee Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 10: Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association [12/30/2014]
Part 9: Pompous Blowhard of the Year Award: Bill O’Reilly; FOX "News" announces new spinoff: the "FOX Benghazi™" Shopping Channel!; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 11: DiGiorno Pizza [12/31/2014]
Part 10: Newsmax -- Beyond Drudgery; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominees Nos. 12 and 13: Michele Bachmann, Kimberly Guilfoyle [1/1/2015]
Part 11: GOP and FOX whip up the hate over a POW exchange; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 14: Iowa asylum escapee Rep. Steve King [1/3/2015]
Part 12: Arizona Republican protests busload of YMCA campers; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee(s) No. 15: the Impeachment Variations (group nomination); Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 16: NM Rep. Steve Pearce [1/4/2015]
Part 13 (and last): TV for Dummies: Sarah Palin launches her own channel; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 17: Arizona schools superintendent John Huppenthal (rhymes with Neanderthal); and the final Crazyspeak of the Year nominee -- and also the winner! [1/5/2015]

NOAH'S 2013 IN REVIEW --
A Prayer to the Janitor of Lunacy

For listings and links, see Part 1 of this year's series.

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