Crackpot Utopia: The Year in Republican Crazy, Part 3

• Using fear, loathing, and paranoia to sell stuff
• Arizona legalizes crack!
• Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 3: old reliable Bill O’Reilly

Noah worries, will 40 days and nights be enough?

Crackpot Utopia: A dream world as envisioned by republicans; a manifestation or expression of the deranged, warped alternate universe inhabited by republicans, at least in their minds. See also: Bachmannism, Boehneresque.

by Noah

1. Using fear, loathing, and paranoia to sell stuff

I've long been suspicious of drug companies flogging all sorts of medications on the teevee, specifically medications for ailments we never heard of as little as five years ago. So many of these ads can easily awaken the power of suggestion in any of us, sometimes to the point where any little pain in the head gets some folks worrying about brain tumors.

As for my own life, I know now that I probably had ADHD. I sat in class and my overactive daydreaming mind went places, wonderful places. The cure then was a teacher that could keep my attention. I learned how to focus, when I wanted to. Today, they would scare my parents and drug me. I turned out fine without the little pills.

Now the righties are doing the pharma companies one better when it comes to scaring people into buying things. Take the Info Wars online store. Check out their “Wake Up America Immune Support and Patriot Blend" coffees! Better yet, maybe you need their Info Wars Fluoride Shield -- you know, remember that stuff that the commies were wanting to put in our water in the 1950s and 1960s? Well, the commies musta won, since it's now in our toothpaste. Still, it's not too late! You can buy that little Info Wars bottle and -- problem solved! Well, I'll give them credit for not running off 100 words of disclaimers like Big Pharma does.

But wait, there's more: You'll be needing your five-DVD set of the Book of Revelations [sadly, apparently no longer available -- Ed.!

Bad, government-induced times are a-comin'! Remember, the Info Wars people are the folks that told us that President Obama created Superstorm Sandy in order to get reelected!

And, no Doomsday Prepper's wardrobe is complete without the Info Wars "OBAMA IS A TYRANT" T-shirt!

Spread the word!

Best of all, though, may be the 40 Day/Night food supply! We saw the "pail" it comes in at the top of this post; here's a glimpse of the organic yummies inside:



Downright biblical! This is the 1950s bomb-shelter mentality all over again. However, when the crap hits the fan, is a mere "40 Day/Night Organic Preparedness Pail” really gonna save you? Better buy a truckload! Do it today! Tomorrow may be too late! Way too late! You may be screwed, screwed beyond all comprehension! Nothing will save your sorry ass! (Be warned, though, that the website now cautions: "Important Notice: Due to extremely high demand caused by the recent Ebola incident, please allow an additional week for shipment.")

Damn, if the wackos only knew that the “40 Day/Night” motif in those old tales comes from the ancient Arabs. You know, like “40 Days and 40 Nights” -- or, more appropriately in this case, “Ali Baba and the 40 Thieves.”


2. Arizona legalizes crack!

Well, it certainly does appear that rather than legalize marijuana, the state of Arizona has made the smoking of crack A-OK! Something has to explain how the state ended up with a legislature that came up with the Arizona Religious Freedom Bill. This is a classic case of bigots saying, "Hey, what about my rights?"

Huh, there are people against the right to discriminate?

As if previous legislation designed to fill Arizona's privately owned jails with immigrants for profit wasn't bad enough, this new bill would allow business owners to refuse service to gay people. It seems so-called Christians in Arizona love this law.

In the end, Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer vetoed the law. But the law, as passed by the state's republican House by a 33-27 vote and by the state's Senate by a vote of 17-13, is designed to make it OK, or rather encourage, people to refuse service to gay people at restaurants, or in fact any retail location or anywhere else in the state.

It's not just gays, though. The wording is loose enough that it can refer to anyone that republicans just don't take a shine to -- anyone who "looks different," if you know what I mean. Governor Brewer also vetoed a previous incarnation of the bill, so I wouldn't expect a mere gubernatorial veto to cause Arizona's republicans to give up on their crusade.

Let's also keep in mind those republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives that also support those African "kill the gays" laws. Ask yourself, is it only a matter of time before Arizona republicans, or all republicans everywhere, start acting out their darkest dreams under cover of such laws?

Republicans in other states, such as Idaho, Tennessee, Mississippi, and South Dakota, have proposed laws similar to Arizona's "right to refuse service" law. Even Ohio, under neo-fascist Gov. John Kasich, is now in the game. But what is setting Arizona apart is that they have actually passed their bill and sent it to their governor. Rush Limbaugh whined about Brewer being bullied by lefties to veto the bill. FOX, of course, considers any criticism of the bill as being part of their claimed War on Religion!

Under the law, had I gone into a store in Arizona to buy a jacket, the first thing I could have been asked is if I'm straight or gay or Christian and, if so, even what kind. The wording of the bill would have opened one hell of a Pandora's box.

Funny thing is, the jacket fits the same and costs the same regardless of the details of my personal or spiritual life. In future years I think we can expect some tinkering with these proposed republican laws to allow a retailer the option of selling the jacket to a gay person but at a higher price. They can call it the Arizona Tax on Being Gay Act. "Hey, we don't discriminate, it's just going to cost you a little more if you choose the gay lifestyle."

As the movement gains momentum, will there one day be statues of Lester Maddox in Arizona's public parks? How far will they go? Keep in mind that no less than U.S. House Speaker John Boehner hand-picked the man behind the “No Gays Allowed” bill, Arizona House Speaker Andy Tobin, to be on his list of prime U.S. House candidates! Think about that next time some nutter tells you Boehner isn’t an extremist.

Where does this kind of thing end? Will republicans soon demand that gay people wear lavender stars? Maybe they’ll even add special box cars to the ends of the trains. Step by step, republicans are revealing what they want for the future. It’s there for all to see, but so many, too many, just don’t want to see it. They've already made great gains in voter suppression. What will America look like by the time republicans are done with their “social engineering”?

All aboard for the crazy train!


3. Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 3:
Bill O'Reilly, the Joe McCarthy of punditry


President Obama is interviewed by Bill-O, a legend in his own mind.

It's hard to zero in on just one example of FOX's Archie Bunker showing off his crazy. O'Reilly is TV's most smugly pompous megalomaniac. Here he is at his defensive and most self-serving best (worst), referring to his childishly rude and pathetic "interview" of President Obama.

I'm going to predict that that interview I did is going to go down in journalistic history as what should be done. . . . It takes a certain skill to pose questions in a factual way and be persistent without being disrespectful.

Bill-O rightly took much criticism for his 10-minute foolishness, and saw the need, even more than a week later, to defend himself. He obviously has no idea what an interview is, since he sat there and rapid-fired question after question at the president without pausing to even wait for an answer, because, after all, what FOX viewer wants to hear what President Obama has to say about anything? He was trying to provoke the president, and the president was incredibly gracious, when half the country would not have blamed him for throwing a punch at Bobblehead Bill. But that's pretty much what Bill-O wanted. He was performing for his geriatric audience, who just want the President to "go back to Kenya."

That O'Liely feels he has to sneak in the word "factual" to describe his questions shows that even he knows they are anything but factual. To use the word "persistent" as a substitute for "belligerent" is to rewrite the thesaurus.

Despite his over-the-top delusions of grandeur and more, O'Reilly will go down in "journalistic history" as a smug, pompous, megalomaniacal "Joe McCarthy of punditry." Yeah, he dreams of a 40-foot-high statue of himself outside of Fox "News" headquarters after he's gone, a statue much bigger than the life-size statue of Roberto Clemente, a man who actually did something good with his life and died doing it, which stands outside of the Pittsburgh Pirates' ballpark.

I piss in your urn, Bill.


TOMORROW IN PART 4: A celebration of Michele Bachmann: Pray away the crazy?; What "War on Women"?; The "Obama angle" on Malaysian Flight 370

NOAH'S 2014 IN REVIEW --
Crackpot Utopia: The Year in Republican Crazy

Part 1: Princess Liz Cheney tries for the Smoothie of the Year Award; "Miss Beck regrets" -- Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 1: Glenn Beck; and the Crackpot Party reacts to President Obama’s State of the Union speech [12/19/2014]
Part 2: Republicans wonder why normal people call them racists; Sean Hannity wants to self-deport; and the First Annual Mr. Burns Award, to ABC "shark" Kevin O'Leary [12/20/2014]
Part 3: Using fear, loathing, and paranoia to sell stuff; Arizona legalizes crack!; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 3: Bill O’Reilly [12/21/2014]
Part 4: A celebration of Michele Bachmann: Pray away the crazy?; What "War on Women"?; and the "Obama angle" on Malaysian Flight 370 [12/22/2014]
Part 5: The GOP and the kiss heard 'round the world; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 5: Joe the Plumber [12/23/2014]
Part 6: A word about South Carolina; Pat Robertson and his magic asteroid; and I'll have a pack of Twizzlers and an IUD to go, please [12/24/2014]
Part 7: And so it begins: The running of the buffoons; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 7, George Will has no idea what rape is; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 8, Rick Wiles calls for a coup [12/29/2014]
Part 8: Things to come: Forward into the past! (11 Presidential Dream Tickets); Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 9: Former republican VP nominee Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 10: Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association [12/30/2014]
Part 9: Pompous Blowhard of the Year Award: Bill O’Reilly; FOX "News" announces new spinoff: the "FOX Benghazi™" Shopping Channel!; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 11: DiGiorno Pizza [12/31/2014]
Part 10: Newsmax -- Beyond Drudgery; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominees Nos. 12 and 13: Michele Bachmann, Kimberly Guilfoyle [1/1/2015]
Part 11: GOP and FOX whip up the hate over a POW exchange; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 14: Iowa asylum escapee Rep. Steve King [1/3/2015]
Part 12: Arizona Republican protests busload of YMCA campers; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee(s) No. 15: the Impeachment Variations (group nomination); Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 16: NM Rep. Steve Pearce [1/4/2015]
Part 13 (and last): TV for Dummies: Sarah Palin launches her own channel; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 17: Arizona schools superintendent John Huppenthal (rhymes with Neanderthal); and the final Crazyspeak of the Year nominee -- and also the winner! [1/5/2015]

NOAH'S 2013 IN REVIEW --
A Prayer to the Janitor of Lunacy*

For listings and links, see Part 1 of this year's series.

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