Republican Of The Year Nominee #3: Governors' Edition

2016 In Review: America Off The Rails, Part 7


You bet, Maine's Paulie No-Brains is a contender!

by Noah

It’s not easy to pick the primo nominees for Republican Of The Year. For this installment of America Off The Rails, I’ve decided to narrow the field to just republican governors. Still, so many choices, so little time! It’s daunting. Where does one start? How does one judge?

Do we go by racism? No. Too easy and too all-encompassing. It’s difficult to get far enough to be a republican candidate for anything if you haven’t at least exhibited some sort of racism to polish your republican credentials somewhere along the way. At this point, I don’t think they even accept your application unless you’ve shown that you might someday strike a match to burn a cross.

So, how do we decide? Environmental policy? Wage and labor issues? Voting rights? LGBTQ stance? Immigration? Misogyny? Demeanor? Obvious insanity? Do the knuckles touch the ground? Chances are any republican governor has nearly all if not all of these bases covered, really covered!

My solution to this dilemma is to just play a game of word association with myself. I’ll type out a name of a republikook governor, any one of whom is a nominee for Republican Of The Year in his own right, who “served” in 2016, and see what instantly pops into my mind -- what about that goon leaps to the forefront of my mind as soon as I picture his or her visage or think of their name?

So, here goes!


CHRIS CHRISTIE, New Jersey

[Click on any cartoon to enlarge]

Ewwwee, this is a bad start. I’m from NJ. This is personally embarrassing. He even grew up in the town next door to the one I’m from, and I don’t remember anything that bad -- bad as Chris Christie.

Nah, he’s bad, but he’s not the worst. He’s just a dumb loudmouth bully type who should have been punched hard in the face in the fifth grade and sent home crying pathetically to his mommy. Because no one did that, we all have to suffer years later. Wasn’t it hideous to watch him chasing Trump around, trying to affix his fat lips permanently to Trump’s fat ass? Damn. And that expression on poor, sad Mrs. Christie’s face, forced to stand onstage with hubby and Trumpie as she watched. She chose . . . poorly.


SCOTT WALKER, Wisconsin



Not bad, ROTY-wise. Definitely a possibility. Scotty, you’ve done the voter-suppression thing to the max. You’ve earned praise from fellow repugs as you brought your state’s Argentina of America tendencies to the forefront. You’re a fine example of how to install a fascist government. Because of that, republicans consider you presidential material. Scott, you are the envy of republicans everywhere.

Not bad at all, Scott. Good try, but no. You’re a loser. Sad. Let’s move on.


PAT McCRORY, North Carolina



Oh, if you’re a republican, he’s good. Great grades on voter suppression. Previous career as a defense lawyer for a company that ignored environmental laws and dumped huge amounts of coal ash into once pristine rivers.

Screw those kayakers! Screw the fishermen! Screw the fish! Screw the water birds. And once in office, he kept right on defending the polluters.

He’s true to what he is: a total jackass! Oh and let’s not forget that bathroom bill, the one that messed up his reelection.

McCrory really has that republican obsession with urination down. But is he as good as --


MIKE PENCE, Indiana



In July, I posted ("With The Selection Of Mike Pence For VP, Republicans Have Now Checked All The Hate Boxes") how you put the finishing touch on the Trump ticket with your virulent homophobia. I mentioned how republicans were mighty concerned about Trump being a little weak in that area. But you, Mike Pence, you are the man! You came to the rescue and joined the ticket. Dare I say, your presence put Trump over the top?

But it wasn’t just that. Your KKK index is through the roof. Your brand of fake Christianity is second to none. That little “Religious Freedom Restoration Act” was pure inspiration to fellow sociopaths like McCrory. When it comes to being pro-discrimination, you, sir, are an asshole among assholes. No wonder Comrade Trump picked you! Good thing, too, because you are so bonkers even Indiana was sick of your act.


SAM BROWNBACK, Kansas



Sammy! You’ve done well! You’ve turned your state into a laboratory for republican-tax-policy wet dreams. You killed regulations in Kansas. You rejected those wicked federal Medicaid subsidies that would have given Kansas citizens better and cheaper healthcare. You privatized Medicaid. You’ve created Conservative Utopia!

You famously said:

My focus is to create a red-state model that allows the Republican ticket to say, "See, we've got a different way, and it works."

You’ve done it better than anybody! You’ve slashed taxes like nobody’s business. Mitch McConnell adores you and says what you’ve done in your state is what he wants to do for the whole country!

And now your state is now bankrupt beyond any sane person’s nightmares. Congratulations! Mission accomplished! A couple of F-5 tornados would barely be noticed now! Well done!

It gets even better for you. Rumor has it that Comrade Trump wants to make you his secretary of agriculture. You’re on the way up. Fuck that little girl Dorothy. Screw her pooch! The Wicked Witch’s got nothin’ on you!


PAUL LePAGE, Maine



Paulie No-Brains, I hear you are one of 17 siblings! My god, are they like you? Are they out running loose? Are they all tragically multiplying and polluting the human gene pool forever and ever? Why haven’t your parents been arrested for crimes against humanity?

Even Politico, a news organization founded by Reagan and Bush types, has recently had to publicly wonder if you’re playing with a full deck.

But really, what republican anywhere is playing with a full deck? And oh, the irony when you said:

We need Mainers to understand our government is corrupt . . . The Maine people have to demand better from our elected officials.

And you’ve sure got that 19th-century racist thing going when you say things like:

The traffickers. These aren’t people who take drugs. These are guys by the name D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty. These type of guys that come from Connecticut and New York. They come up here, they sell their heroin, then they go back home. Incidentally, half the time they impregnate a young, white girl before they leave.

Ah, the old fear of miscegenation and dilution of white bloodlines! Sounds just like republican role model David Duke! Frankly, it also seems like a state that would elect you and even reelect you could actually use the introduction of some new genetic material. Just sayin’.

Yeah, you’re stone crazy, Paul LePage! But, ya haven’t poisoned or killed anybody, yet. You try. You’re a lot of talk, but you're up against a guy who is a real republican action figure --


RICK SNYDER, Michigan



We have a winner! Ricky, baby, you’ve really got the fascism thing down! You got a bill passed that even allows you to remove local governing bodies, just like you were running Bolivia!

Fortune Magazine recently even gave you position #1 as worst leader in the world! Too bad we haven’t landed on Mars yet, or that too would be within your grasp!

Like all republicans, you dream of a day when you can deprive all but the rich of healthcare and watch people die. But what really sets you apart? Well, that whole “Let them drink lead” concept you and your crew came up with clinches it. This is a masterstroke. No one else thought of that!

Sure, any republican would love to cut someone’s chemo treatments short and send them on their way to the funeral home. Any psycho like Paul “Crazy Eyes” Ryan would love to deprive a less-than-wealthy American of the chance to have a brain tumor removed. But you, Rick Snyder, are special! “Let them drink lead”! You poisoned the people you swore to serve! Lead in the drinking water, that’s genius! I can see your next campaign bumper sticker:

“GAS LEAKS FOR ALL!”

Or how about:

“EVERY TOWN A BHOPAL!”

It’s even better that so many of your victims in Flint are minorities! You thought of everything! And it doesn’t necessarily kill them, it may just make them suffer for their whole lives! Brilliant! Lead poisoning is the republican gift that keeps on giving. It lasts a lifetime!

You are a god, Rick Snyder! You win, hands down! Bin Laden would love to shake your hand!

2016 IN REVIEW: AMERICA OFF THE RAILS

Here it is, Noah's completed Year in Review for 2016:

Part 1, "Profiles in Cowardice: The Electoral College" (12/23/2016)
Part 2, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #1: Newt Gingrich" (12/27/2016)
Part 3, "The Trumpf Inauguration Committee Finds The Perfect Inauguration Entertainment At Last!" (12/29/2016)
Part 4, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #2: R-R-Reince Priebus" (1/2/2017)
Part 5, "Comrade Trump: The World’s Worst Cabinet Maker, Believe Me -- Meet The New Russian Oligarchs! (1)" (1/4/2017)
Part 6, "Comrade Trump: The World’s Worst Cabinet Maker, Believe Me -- Meet The New Russian Oligarchs! (2)" (1/5/2017)
Part 7, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #3: Governors' Edition" (1/9/2017)
Part 8, "Trump -- The Art And Acts Of The Emboldened: The Rise In Hate Crimes Under The Influence Of Comrade T" (1/10/2017)
Part 9, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #4: It's A Sad Thing When Cousins Marry Edition" (1/11/2017)
Part 10, "Republican Person Of The Year Nominee #5 -- And Winner!" (1/12/2017)
Part 11, "Comrade Trump: Inauguration Entertainment Update!" (1/15/2017)
Part 12, "A DWT Exclusive: We Have The First Draft Of Comrade Trump's Inauguration Speech!" (1/16/2017)

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