Monday, January 02, 2017

Republican Of The Year Nominee #2: R-R-Reince Priebus


America Off The Rails, Part 4

by Noah

Back in 2011, the Republican Party, horrified that Barack Obama had integrated the White House two years previously, was looking for a man, the right man, who could properly audition the leading points of light in the party, with the idea of finding the perfect leader that could retake the White House and lead the party in its decades-long dream of fascism for America.

As it turned out, the man they chose to direct the auditions made a mistake in auditioning and choosing Mittens Romney for 2012, but this year, in 2016, he struck nazi gold with Herr Trumpf.

How hard it can be to find just the right fellow for a job!

But where the hell did Reince Priebus come from? Here, from the secret tapes of a 2011 phone conversation between a top Hollywood agent and a shadowy, still-unidentified republican official, is how it went down:
HOLLYWOOD CENTRAL CASTING INC. GUY: Hello, Central Casting here. Who's this?
DISGUISED VOICE: The Republican National Committee.
HCC GUY: Seriously? You freaks are calling Hollywood? Well, what can we do for ya, republican dude?
DISGUISED VOICE: We need a guy.
HCC GUY: Yeah, you and lots of people. But I thought you wackos don't go in for that sort of thing.
DISGUISED VOICE: No, we sure don't, at least not openly. Our voters don't go for that. They're more farm-oriented and [unintelligible].
HCC GUY: Well, what's the role for this guy you're looking for?
DISGUISED VOICE: We need a party chairman. A guy who can find us a candidate who perfectly represents who and what we are.
Too smart for the GOP faithful?
HCC GUY: I thought you had one. That African-American gent, Steele, Michael Steele.
DISGUISED VOICE: Steele? Hell no. That was a mistake. He only got the job because a bunch of the guys thought they'd pretend to not be racist and go off and be the one guy to vote for the negro. Next thing you know, the votes are counted and we're stuck. We tried to make the best of it, but there was no way the party at large was going to accept that! The vote was paper ballot, so we couldn't even hack it. Besides, Steele was too damn smart. He had to go.
HCC GUY: Hey, just sayin' you guys could use some smarts. You shoulda kept him.
DISGUISED VOICE: Heck no. Smart doesn't work with our voters. We need someone that can sound like them, someone they're comfortable with, you know. Steele just didn't fit the profile, if you get what I'm saying.
HCC GUY: OK. So what's the profile you want?
DISGUISED VOICE: We need a guy who could be spineless but not overly so. Shameless is good -- no, er, great. Yeah, he needs to be incapable of shame. That's a party attribute! Shameless, oh, and kind of like the guy who looks good in a snappy black leather uniform, holding a riding crop. Northern Euro type. Can you see it? Soulless, too. Someone who can look vaguely threatening, but not too much. A uniform-makes-the-man kind of guy, not the other way around. Take his power and uniform away and he's a quivering mass of fetid ectoplasm. We need the type that, after all is said and done, can be controlled. Gotta be capable of great evil, though. Someone who enjoys hurting people. That's our thing. That's who we are.
HCC GUY: Well, we've got Werner Klemperer. He played Colonel Klink back in the ‘60s on Hogan's Heroes. Someone like him?
DISGUISED VOICE: No, that's too disrespectful of what we're all about. I'm thinking more like the black-hat, black-leather-coat guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark. Someone who really knows branding, and really knows how to burn the bar down, if you catch my drift. Fear and hatred of women is good, too.

And that, folks, is how Reince Priebus became chairman of the Republican National Committee. (OK, maybe not, but when in falling Rome, do as the Romans.) The agent had them at the name alone; the way he rolled the ‘R'. R-R-Reince! R-R-Reince! R-R-Reince! A name you can goose-step to just like it's Riverdance -- a Rhineland Riverdance!
"It is exciting that Republicans will have such a large bench of candidates to choose from, and the sanctioned debate process ensures voters will have a chance to hear from them."
So said R-R-Reince as the 2016 primary debate season began. Now, with the help of Vladimir Putin and a massive program of voter suppression, R-R-Reince has his man. R-R-Reince Priebus is now basking in the glow of a dream of republican fascism coming to dominance under his fascist orange messiah.


R-R-Reince is a fellow with the Right connections.

R-R-Reince hails from New Jersey originally, but it was Wisconsin, aka the Argentina of America, where he made a name for himself, as chairman of the Republican Party of Wisconsin (RPW). With its large population of people of German and Scandanavian heritage, you might say that Wisconsin was a natural fit for Reince.

Reince's full given name is Rheinhold Richard Priebus, not that there's anything wrong with that per se. Say it fast four or five times and I guarantee it'll come out as Reich Priebus. We might say that either way the name made him a natural fit for his life's work. While acting as der chairman of the RPW, Priebus became known as a kingmaker for his support of such tyrants as Gov. Scott "Not Every Citizen Gets to Vote" Walker and U.S. House Speaker Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan. He also gets credit for melding the Wisconsin Tea Party with the state Republican Party. Because of those successes, he fittingly moved on to be chairman of the entire Republican Party and is now about to be Herr Trump's White House chief of staff.

R-R-Reince has more than lived up to the qualification of being soulless. He was personally involved in sabotaging efforts by anti-Trumpf convention delegates to prevent Herr Trumpf's nomination. Additionally, after publicly disagreeing with Herr Trumpf on his attacks against a Gold Star family whose son was a true patriot by the name of Captain Humayun Khan and Trumpf's plans to ban all Muslims, he was willing to laugh it all aside and clear all paths to victory. When you look at Priebus, you see a man that has no principle that isn't for sale in the name of his party. Yes, he is the perfect chairman for the RNC.

All of this, of course, assumes that his stated principles are really his principles at all. But at this point how would anyone know? In the end, he defends Herr Trumpf by saying:
"You know, I think everyone's a role model in different ways. When you look at someone who has built businesses, lost businesses, came back, lived the American dream, a person who sets goals, he's a winner."
Yes. I guess if you're a soulless cretin like R-R-Reince, a man who grabs women by their genitals can be quite a role model. Same for a man who likes to barge in on the dressing rooms of young models because he "can get away with it." And same for a man who tells his casino security to remove a man of color from the floor of his casino for no reason other than that the mere presence of that man of color is "offensive." This, folks, is how we ended up with Reince's boy Trumpf due to take office on January 20. To Reince, it's all about him winning, and to hell with anything that smacks of moral principle, to hell with America, and to hell with civilization.


So, R-R-Reince orchestrated a chaotic primary season that gave us Trumpf and all of the human misery that will come. Then, just a few days ago, he and his communications director, Sean Spicer, who will soon be Herr Trumpf's press secretary, did this: They sent out the following absolutely insane, out-of-control tweet, which makes the republican view of Herr Trumpf plain for all to see:
"Merry Christmas to all! Over two millennia ago, a new hope was born into the world, a Savior who would offer the promise of salvation to all mankind. Just as the three wise men did on that night, this Christmas heralds a time to celebrate the good news of a new King. We hope Americans celebrating Christmas today will enjoy a day of festivities and a renewed closeness with family and friends."
Obviously, the key sentiment to republicans here is the line --
"this Christmas heralds a time to celebrate the good news of a new King."
Note the use of the word "this." The reality is that every Christmas Christians celebrate the arrival of Christ the King. But to republicans, this year is extra-special. There's a new King in town, an orange-haired fascist messiah, and R-R-Reince wanted to point out that additional reason to celebrate: the arrival of a new King.

For unto us a King is, er, elected?

Dear repugs, we do not elect kings in this country. Sure, those Americans who opposed the Revolutionary War wanted a king, a really crazy one at that, but not those Americans who fought that war against people much like you. Patriotic Americans called the king-lovers Tories. And that is what you are, Tories. Maybe it's time you left. You could go to England, I suppose, but from what we're seeing and hearing lately, you would probably like Russia more. At least you think you would. So go, just go! Go now!  We don't need or want your stinking fascism. We weren't created on those principles.

Way to go, R-R-Reince. You've made a great case for Republican of the Year. Are you sure your real name isn't Reich Priebus III?


Here it is, Noah's completed Year in Review for 2016:

Part 1, "Profiles in Cowardice: The Electoral College" (12/23/2016)
Part 2, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #1: Newt Gingrich" (12/27/2016)
Part 3, "The Trumpf Inauguration Committee Finds The Perfect Inauguration Entertainment At Last!" (12/29/2016)
Part 4, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #2: R-R-Reince Priebus" (1/2/2017)
Part 5, "Comrade Trump: The World’s Worst Cabinet Maker, Believe Me -- Meet The New Russian Oligarchs! (1)" (1/4/2017)
Part 6, "Comrade Trump: The World’s Worst Cabinet Maker, Believe Me -- Meet The New Russian Oligarchs! (2)" (1/5/2017)
Part 7, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #3: Governors' Edition" (1/9/2017)
Part 8, "Trump -- The Art And Acts Of The Emboldened: The Rise In Hate Crimes Under The Influence Of Comrade T" (1/10/2017)
Part 9, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #4: It's A Sad Thing When Cousins Marry Edition" (1/11/2017)
Part 10, "Republican Person Of The Year Nominee #5 -- And Winner!" (1/12/2017)
Part 11, "Comrade Trump: Inauguration Entertainment Update!" (1/15/2017)
Part 12, "A DWT Exclusive: We Have The First Draft Of Comrade Trump's Inauguration Speech!" (1/16/2017)

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