Republican Of The Year Nominee #1: Newt Gingrich

2016 In Review: America Off The Rails, Part 2

Mr. Republican performs for his orange-top master.

by Noah

As part of this year’s review, fittingly titled “America Off The Rails,” I plan on pointing out several nefarious republican “notables” who exemplify the fetid and putrid essence of what it is to be a republican. They will be my nominees for Republican of the Year. Where better to start than The Flab Curtain himself, Newt Gingrich?

There’s plenty in Newt’s repulsive life to write about, including his taking divorce papers to the hospital for his wife to sign the minute she awoke from her cancer surgery, and his grotesque hypocrisy of leading the House of Representatives in a crazed, foaming-at-the-mouth impeachment jihad against President Clinton for having an affair with a more-than-consenting adult while he himself was secretly doing the very same thing.

One could go on and on about Mr. NG. Someday, someone who can stomach it all will write a book that will tell the whole story of Newt, and normal people will have a hard time wading through it without repeatedly puking. After all, to know that a person like Newt can walk among us with impunity is enough to challenge the sanity of even the strongest mind.

But hey, there’s no time for that here! So,I will just stick with something from Newt’s recent past. Newt Gingrich is best absorbed in small doses. Here you go.

Naturally, it’s about ethics, a concept that Mr. NG has apparently always been extremely allergic to.


ETHICS? ETHICS? WHAT ETHICS?

It's so hard to keep track!

In referring to the massive amount of conflicts of interest that not only Herr Trumpf but his whole staff, his staff-family, and his various appointments and cabinet nominees bring to the gilded table of the Trumpf administration, disgraced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says that our time-honored ethics rules should not apply to the new administration. Having his own sordid history, of thinking that things like ethics rules and morality don’t apply to him, it’s no wonder that Newtie thinks rules are made to be not only ignored but changed to fit the agenda, whatever it is.

Hey, some other mentally ill guys have done that when they’ve taken over a country, so what the hell. That all worked out swell before, didn’t it? Everyone even gets a snappy uniform and armband. Riding crop, anyone? Monocle?

Just last week, in speaking of the orange fascist who owns his balls (and, apparently, everything else), Newt said, right out loud, on National Public Radio [transcript here, at 11:31], for all to hear:

Gingrich goes even further, saying that, since a president has broad pardoning powers, Herr Trumpf could just hire people and give them a presidential pardon before they even sit down at their new desks -- in other words, a license to commit crimes if they just happen to see fit.

Hey, it worked in Germany. What could go wrong here in the good ol’ U.S. of A.? Even Al Capone had a code; at least he did until the syphilis took over his brain. What’s Newt’s excuse?

Remember, the above two quotes are coming from a cretinous blob who got a whole demented political party all whipped up about a blowjob. To Newtie, oral sex equals bad. Bad, bad, bad. Real crimes committed by a president should be pardoned. This is more of that Nixon “If the president does it, it’s not illegal” thing. Herr Trumpf has said essentially the same when it comes to his multitude of conflicts of interest.

Where’s the logic in this “reasoning,” Newt? If that’s the case, why did you go after Bill Clinton? Clinton did what he did. He even lied about it to us all. Even if he lied about it under oath in a deposition, wasn’t that OK simply because ethics shouldn’t apply to presidents and “If the president does it, it’s not illegal”?

Come on, Newtie. Tell us, pretty please. Come on, what are you smoking? Are you hanging out with Walter White these days? Should you get a CAT scan of that brain of yours? What is it? What’s the matter? Is the grip the orange fascist has on your balls too tight?

Has Newt been getting ethics advice from Walter White?

Sigh. It must be very hard these days to be Newt. But then, he's had it hard literally from the start, when his parents named him after a slippery, slimy little amphibian whose sole purpose in creation is to eat a few bugs and try to reproduce before becoming lunch for a large-mouth bass.

No wonder he ended up in our nation’s capital, where he has striven mightily to be The Grandest Whore Of Washington. He probably even has business cards that say that. This man knows of no principle that will get in the way of that goal. He will say and do anything -- once even shutting the government down. To hell with veterans getting their checks and meds. Even John Boehner had to say to himself “enough” and just walk away, but not Newt.

He’s still doing it now, live on FOX “News” for his orange fascist top, talking about foregoing ethics and introducing concepts of prenuptial pardons.


THE MAN WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN PRESIDENT

2012: "Strike up the band for the big tap-dance number"?

Now it’s the fact that Newtie is not a stupid man. He is, however, a very bitter and monumentally warped man. Imagine for yourself, if you were Newt, a man of no small intelligence (seriously), up on a primary debate stage, week after week, trying to get your party’s nomination for president. You’ve gleefully rolled around in every gutter for every corporate master you’ve ever met. You feel that’s made you a master of the universe. You feel you’re entitled.

Yet, with every week that goes by, with every state primary election, you see the likes of a Rick Perry, a Sarah Palin, a Michelle Bachmann, a Ben Carson, a Carly Fiorina, a Rand Paul, anything named Bush, Herr Trumpf himself, Herman Cain, even the completely senile, drooling Rudy Giuliani, all beating the pants off of you in the polls. That has to do something to a man! Then, you even get passed over for the VP slot for Mike Pence! And still, he eagerly kisses the butt of the Trumpanzee.


YOU CAN DO IT, NEWTIE!

"Ooh, Lincoln!"

It’s amazing that Newtie hasn’t been found some foggy Washington night screaming as he rolls around in the six inches of water of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, looking up at Lincoln and shaking his fist at him for freeing the slaves, as he vainly tries to drown himself but can’t because his giant hot air balloon of a gut won’t let him get his face down into the water. Life is tough, Newt. Stick out your slimy tongue and eat a bug, Newt! I know you’ll do it.

2016 IN REVIEW: AMERICA OFF THE RAILS

Here it is, Noah's completed Year in Review for 2016:

Part 1, "Profiles in Cowardice: The Electoral College" (12/23/2016)
Part 2, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #1: Newt Gingrich" (12/27/2016)
Part 3, "The Trumpf Inauguration Committee Finds The Perfect Inauguration Entertainment At Last!" (12/29/2016)
Part 4, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #2: R-R-Reince Priebus" (1/2/2017)
Part 5, "Comrade Trump: The World’s Worst Cabinet Maker, Believe Me -- Meet The New Russian Oligarchs! (1)" (1/4/2017)
Part 6, "Comrade Trump: The World’s Worst Cabinet Maker, Believe Me -- Meet The New Russian Oligarchs! (2)" (1/5/2017)
Part 7, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #3: Governors' Edition" (1/9/2017)
Part 8, "Trump -- The Art And Acts Of The Emboldened: The Rise In Hate Crimes Under The Influence Of Comrade T" (1/10/2017)
Part 9, "Republican Of The Year Nominee #4: It's A Sad Thing When Cousins Marry Edition" (1/11/2017)
Part 10, "Republican Person Of The Year Nominee #5 -- And Winner!" (1/12/2017)
Part 11, "Comrade Trump: Inauguration Entertainment Update!" (1/15/2017)
Part 12, "A DWT Exclusive: We Have The First Draft Of Comrade Trump's Inauguration Speech!" (1/16/2017)

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