Monday, January 04, 2010

12 Days of Christmas Scorn: Day 11 -- Bad Vibrations Edition


In this 2007 interview clip we learn that Charlie Rose's secret fantasies are even nuttier than Blackwater-Xe founder Erik Prince's. ("Jesus as a front man" -- see No. 4, THE ONWARD, CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS! AWARD below.) Watch out, Charlie! Didn't your mother warn you about growing hair on your palms?

by Noah


To the rural, swampy, mosquito-infested state of Maine, where it may be socially acceptable to marry your sister, your mother, or your mother-sister, but it’s no longer OK to marry a person of the same sex as yourself. Maine voters made sure of that on this past election day. Maine is a very rural state with more than its share of hillbilly types, KKKrs, and a Bush Crime Family Compound in Kennebunkport.

Last year a general store in Standish proudly advertised its “Osama Obama Shotgun Pool.” Their sign even included the message “Let’s hope someone wins.”

Doesn’t Maine sound like a great place for a vacation? But if you make hotel reservations, be sure to bring your own sheets. Sure, some might say I’m being harsh. Hey, even I was willing to assume that the shotgun poolboy was in the minority. But then came Election Day, and if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, and votes like a duck, it’s probably a duck. Let’s give 'em credit, though, for having two female senators, even if they are Repugs. I guess all the guys are busy lighting up crosses and, ironically, reenacting Deliverance. Just remember, what happens in the woods stays in the woods.


This award goes to the American politician or media hack who best exemplifies the concept of collaborating with those who are, on the surface at least, the natural enemies of his, her, or its constituents or audience, à la the French political hacks in Vichy France who collaborated with those guys in the spiffy uniforms during WWII. Ah, who to choose? So many candidates! Eric Cantor, the fool who stands as living proof that you can’t sell your soul if you never had one? C Street cult member Rep. Bart “Stupe” Stupak? Joe Lieberman? William Kristol? Mark Levin? Michael Steele?

Cantor has the hair, but I’m goin’ with Lieberwhore. With Joe, it’s all about Joe and his ego the size of a bloated gasbag of a planet called Jupiter. He’s entitled (ooh, don’t be using that word around Repugs!). It’s a free country, just a little bit less so every day with people like "Joe the Bummer" around. It’s a sad commentary on our diseased two-party system that in 2000 the two major candidates for being a heartbeat away were Dickhead Cheney and this asylum escapee. Dick? Joe? What a pair.

$enator Lieberman is Aetna’s (based in Hartford, CT) main man in Washington, an utterly shameless, well-trained little $enatorial doggie. With the openness of our system, $hameless Joe can work his collaborations in plain sight. The hypocrisy and soullessness of this man staggers the mind. A few months ago he was claiming, in front of the cameras, on national TV, to have proposed expanding Medicare to younger citizens. Now, after Aetna smacked his nose with a rolled-up copy of the Hartford Courant, he’s not only against it; he says he was never for it, film be damned. That musta been some other Lieberwhore, eh?

Maine's Susie C looks on adoringly at (sigh!) her big
bipartisan chairman. (Does Hadassah know about this?)

One can only conclude that $enator Lieberman (a Division of the Medical-Industrial Complex) throws his tantrums for the usual cash considerations and out of spite for the lefties who led the campaign against him in his home state, forcing him to run for reelection as an independent. He will have to do it again, and Repugs in his state will no doubt vote for him again. Maybe he’ll represent himself truthfully for once and just run as the Repug that really he is. The question is, will he still have a chairmanship? And if so, which party will have the power to grant him such a $enate fiefdom? If by chance Joe the Bummer is no longer a $enator in a few years, do not feel sorry for him. His wife is also an agent of the Medical-Industrial Complex. He will be taken care of. Mobsters look after their own, as long as you do exactly as you are told.


A nice, neat second win for whining two-amp-brained Carrie “Opposite Marriage” Prejean, whose, shall we say, “hand-modeling audition clip” didn’t stop her from claiming that her free speech rights were being assaulted and impeded as she did about three national interviews per day flogging her well-exposed book. Yes, Carrie, that big, mean liberal media is abusing you! How dare they give you a daily platform to spout off about not being allowed to speak! All those times I saw you on the tube, I don’t remember seeing you with duct tape across your mouth. Everyone is abusing you.

None of your problems are your fault. It’s always someone else’s fault, isn’t it? Right down to the film you made of you, er, a, abusing yourself. My favorite Carrie moment so far was her pathetic puppet appearance on Larry King's show, where she kept looking to her coach offstage, asking if she should feign indignation and leave yet. This went on and on as she alternately accused King of being inappropriate and looked to stage right for her cue, even mouthing the question “now?” If there ever was an Oscar for Atrocious Acting, she would win, hands down. Can a contract endorsing batteries be far behind? Carrie keeps going and going and going . . . thump, thump thump.


To Blackwater. Yet another company, like Diebold and AIG, that built up such a bad reputation in the world that it had to change its name. Blackwater now goes by the nondescript name of Xe. Who’s next? Halliburton? Walmart? Both political parties?

As we all know, Blackwater is, among other things, a military contractor that, like Halliburton, specializes in “buying enough influence” to get no-bid contracts from our government. It’s good to have friends in high places. Blackwater founder Erik Prince, scion of one of the major right-wing donor families, began his political life as an intern in the G.H.W. Bush White House. He’s a well-connected financial contributor in Repug circles.

Prince is an ex-Navy Seal but there any respect I might have had for him must end. He’s also another of those totally phony born-again Christonut types. In his case, he reportedly sees the invasion of Iraq as a Holy Crusade. That’s right, a jihad of his own! And if his company can make a few billion along the way, all the better. It’s Jesus as a front man! But several controversial murders, including those of 17 innocent Iraqi civilians in a town square and a just-for-kicks senseless drive-by shooting of an Iraqi -- who worked at an American base, no less, and had just dropped his two sons off at school -- kind of tarnished the Blackwater name. In February, they even lost their contract to provide security for diplomats in Baghdad. I think we know what kind of feeling those two boys will have toward Americans for the rest of their lives. We might as well put them on the “No Fly” list right now; that is, of course, if Erik Prince’s Blackwater gang hasn’t tracked them down and killed them too.

The new name of the company is Xe, pronounced zee, perhaps inspired by the 1969 political assassination thriller Z by director Costa-Gavras. In the case of the film, at least, the title refers to a popular Greek protest slogan, Zei, or “He lives.”

These war-profiteering corporations come with some serious problems. In typical Repug fashion, they aren’t beholden to regulation or discipline. There is no oversight. If a soldier in the U.S. military kills someone we are supposedly protecting, there is an investigation, and the soldier could face court martial and jail. If a contract employee does the same, they risk being sent home or sent to their room. (Judging by that U.S. District Court judge's Year-End News Dump ruling, they don't have much to fear from government prosecution.) What’s the incentive to be responsible? If a contract employee rapes a fellow employee, the contractor is free to throw the victim into a shipping container and deprive them of food and water (see THE SQUEAL LIKE A PIG AWARD, Scorn Awards, Day 5) .

In the military it’s a different story. There are standards of conduct, standards of law enforced by the Pentagon, not necessarily by Christonut jihadists. Just a thought: If contractors can do what KBR did to its own rape victim, just imagine what they do to the citizens of Iraq or Afghanistan which we never hear about. So much for protecting them from the Taliban or whoever.

A final thought: If the NRA is so concerned about gun control and the government ending up with all the guns, why aren’t they worried about corporations hired by the government having so much iron? What happens when Blackwater comes to take their guns away? Blackwater has already been quietly deployed in an American city, New Orleans, after Hurricane Katrina. Even back then, there were whispers of out-of-control thuggery and shootings. The future of private armies and the use of them even right here on our streets is not a pretty scenario. Repug $enators and Congresscreeps surreally bitched about President Obama wanting to close Gitmo and how that would mean terrorists would be on our streets in our towns. They got it wrong.


It's the best darned newsman in Minneapolis -- oh, wait.

To Bill-O. No contest. All other entrants apply elsewhere, and save yourselves the humiliating experience. Yesterday’s fiction has become today’s reality as the boorish Ted Baxter from the old Mary Tyler Moore Show has become all too real. I also thought about calling this one THE CLIFF CLAVIN AWARD, but although Cliff, like Bill-O, makes a habit of pulling fake facts out of his ass, he’s a more likable character.

After Norm comments that he met Teddy Kennedy, Diane predicts he will be president someday, but not according to Cliffy.

"I've got a pet little theory about that. You see, if you go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their last name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected."

A barfly asks Cliff: "Who is gonna win?"

Cliff's answer: "By my calculations our next president has to be named Yelnik McGwawa."

-- Cheers, Season 1, Episode 13: "Now Pitching, Sam Malone" (Airdate: January 6, 1983)

The truth: We tried it with Reagan and Carter and no matter which numerological calculation system we used, the numbers just did not add up and Yelnik McGwawa, as of yet, has not been elected president.


Ted Baxter and Bill-O’Reilly also both think that they are the best darned newsmen in the business and will pass up no opportunity to tell you so. Neither man is firmly grounded in reality, although Ted is relatively harmless. It’s also something in the pompous, overblown way that Bill-O speaks and the way they he carries himself that reminds me of Ted Baxter. It’s so bad that I can even look at Bill-O and see the same ugly plaid sports jackets Ted often wore. I’m convinced that Bill-O is actually wearing them in the Fox studio but that there is some sort of color-correction gizmo on their cameras or on my TV.

To be fair, though, Ted Baxter may have been unglued but he was never an apostle of hate, just a boor. Neither of them ever quite understands that the joke isn’t on them. Instead, they are the joke. At least Ted knew how to smile.


Two winners. But first a quote:

“When mediocre women do as well as mediocre men, then I’ll know we’re getting somewhere.”
-- Gloria Steinem

Damn. Forget mediocre. As evidenced by John “Man Tan” Bo(eh)ner and Sarah “Eskimo Cream Pie” Palin, we’ve gone and done a nosedive right down the chute to the bottom. Has the celebrity of Sarah now made it possible for Paris Hilton to be taken seriously in a run for president? Who do we choose if it ever comes down to Paris vs. Wailin’ Palin? I’ll go with a smarter candidate and write in that toy monkey that bangs the two cymbals together.


Has $enator Jeff (seen here, um, "questioning" Attorney General Eric Holder during the Sotomayor confirmation hearings) been doing "that crack cocaine thing"? That might explain a thing or two, mightn't it?

To $en. Jefferson Beauregard Sessions (R-AL). In 1986, Sessions was nominated by President Reagan for a federal district judgeship, but when his sheet and hood connections were found, he didn’t get the job. Nice goin', Ronnie! Known for having said that he thought the Klan was "OK, until I found out they smoked pot," Sessions once even told a white attorney who handled voting rights cases that he was a "disgrace to his race,” and reportedly called black Assistant U. S. Attorney Thomas Figures "boy."

Since losing his shot at that District Court judgeship, Jeff has apparently become bitter and decided to take it out on certain other nominees who come along. This year, after his despicable and abusive showing during the Sotomayor hearings, even several of his Repug colleagues decided he was too toxic to cast their lot with. Now that's bad. They may agree with him, but unless their name is Lott or Duke or DeMint, they might not be quite so obviously blatant about it. I suppose that most Repugs would just mumble something about him deserving credit for his honesty and chide decent people with accusations of that damned "political correctness" thing. One thing’s for sure, the 19th-century citizens of his state think he speaks for them just fine!

TOMORROW: Day 12 -- The Year That Couldn’t End Soon Enough Edition

1. Kook Slogan of the Year Award
2. The Set a Thief to Catch a Thief Award
3. The It's the Little Man That Makes the Decisions Award
4. The Golden Jackass (Lifetime Achievement) Award
5. The Asshole of the Year Award



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