12 Days of Christmas Scorn: Day 8 -- Utter Freak Show Edition, Part 2

Warning: This clip, though under a minute and a half, is recommended only for the extremely strong of stomach. You're going to see things done to the samba which no wise or benevolent God would ever have allowed.

by Noah

[The first five Day 8 Scorn Awards appeared earlier this morning.]

6. THE PITTER-PATTER OF LITTLE FEET AWARD

To Obama-hating birther kook former Rep. Tom DeLay, who after, um, “leaving” Congress formed a wingnut subversive political consulting firm but couldn’t land himself in front of the camera long enough, even with his buddy Chris Matthews doing his part (more on Matthews tomorrow). For DeLay, YouPorn was out of the question (something to do with his meager 6½ foot size), soo-o-o, what to do?

The answer for Delay was to go on Dancing with the Stars [see above, but note warning], to display some of the worst white-man dancing ever seen. Next time, Tom, try my show. It’s called Dancing with the Cars. Each week I select a politician or other lowlife and I take ‘im out to the six-lane Washington Beltway at 9 on a Saturday night. The assignment is too see if our dancer can walk across all six lanes of drunk drivers. It’s Frogger for humans. Let’s see how many weeks old Tom survives. So if ya see what looks like some well-decayed roadkill dressed in some sharp '70s duds . . . .


7. THE GOLDEN PACIFIER AWARD

You didn't think we'd forget Michelle, did you?

To Michelle Malkin. I have no doubt that this walking freak show is so far gone down the "commies everywhere" road that even Santa with his red coat and his red-nosed reindeer with the Russian name and his sleigh full of free handouts is an insidious commie indoctrination tool aimed at the youngsters. Michelle was one of the lead loons on the Right's deranged "Obama's indoctrinating the children" fantasy this year, and I predict that next year she'll be telling parents not to take their kids to see Santa. She'll be ranting about all of the above, and pointing out that he comes from outside the U.S., that the elves are unionized, that she can see the North Pole from her house.



About 20 years ago there was a brief fad among young teenage girls that had them wearing pacifiers around their necks and even walking around with them in their mouths. I don't know about other cities, but I did observe this bit of strange fashion sense in L.A. and New York, so perhaps it was stress-related. I don't know, I'll leave deeper examination to the shrinks. The next thing that came along was excessive piercing. I'll leave that to the shrinks too, but meanwhile I can't get the idea out of my head of Michelle being one of those pacifier girls. Still. How else can one explain the ravings about Obama indoctrinating schoolchildren, Democrats aiding terrorists, "fear of FEMA camp" fantasies, the need to put Muslim-Americans in those same FEMA internment camps, and even starting a protest about Rachael Ray's scarf in a Dunkin' Donuts ad?

Sure, other Righties do it, but Malkin has a particularly irritating style of her own, that of a 13-year-old -- some sort of arrested development? Another one for the shrinks. The bottom line is that, after an immature freakout over an incident with Geraldo Rivera on Bill-O's show, she and Bill-O have been openly feuding. Imagine, too damn crazy for Loofah Boy! Good thing she's got money now, or else she just might be headed for a funny farm. Or maybe she'll hook up with her perfect crazy match, Glenn Beck. Imagine the offspring! Fox, of course, would sign them up immediately. In fact, may I suggest a line of Fox News promotional pacifiers for all Fox employees and fans?


8. THE VERY SPECIAL, SPECIAL LOON AWARD

To Rep. Louie Gohmert (Crackpot-TX), who got out of his asylum bed long enough to liken being gay to necrophilia and bestiality; right out on the floor of Congress, without any sense of irony or shame, in front of the cameras, no less. Question for the tiny mind of Representative Gohmert: If my wife and I were to get a dog, would that also put us one step away from bestiality? You know how that slippery slope stuff works!


Our Louie doesn't hit the screen till 1:53 of this Rachel Maddow segment, following eminently sensible talk by Rachel and Rep. Patrick Murphy (D-PA), straight champion of DADT repeal in the House, but he's worth the wait.

One wonders, will Gohmert’s twisted brain lead him to call for the banning of the Animal Planet channel and other similar TV offerings, not to mention reruns of Six Feet Under? Man, when Repugs see an animal’s butt, their minds go off into another world. Please, someone, remove all mirrors from Republican bathrooms! We must protect them from gazing at a horse’s ass all day!


9. THE WHY DO YOU HATE AMERICANS? AWARD

To the conservative Americans for Prosperity, for literally cheering the loss of 350,000 jobs that a Chicago Olympics would have brought America. To Republicans, no amount of suffering and pain is too much for Americans if it means a chance to throw a punch at President Obama. Hannity, Limbaugh and the rest of the usual classless hate talkers were even more over the top and out to lunch than usual on this one. Perhaps they were trying to audition for the Westboro Baptist Loons. Obviously, Americans For Prosperity also have a great shot at the upcoming Asshole of the Year Award.

Well, who would you expect Americans for Prosperity to have chosen as their Official Team Mascot? Name somebody who's more concerned with (his own) prosperity than our Rudy.

10. THE WHY DO YOU HATE THE BIBLE? AWARD

To Andy Schlafly (the son of Phyllis Schlafly) of Conservapedia, for their Bible Project, which aims to “translate” the Bible into a conservative world view -- "to render God's word into modern English without liberal translation distortions" -- because in the demented minds at the Conservapedia madrasa, not only does real life itself have a liberal bias, but so does the Good Book. ("Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations.")

I love the fact that Schlafly, a militant home-schooler, looks an awful lot like Ned Flanders, the born-again next-door neighbor of the Simpsons. Among other useful expenditures of his time, Flanders sits in front of a TV all day and makes note of what he perceives to be liberal views being expressed on everything from quiz shows to sitcoms to, of course, the nightly news and even the Weather Channel, just like born-again extremists do in real life. To these folks, a big part of the problem is the Bible itself, and the liberal teachings and impressions it gives. To them, this is because of the wording not being “precise” enough -- i.e., wrong words or words that need to be replaced or eliminated. You know, like if we changed “Thou shalt not kill” to “Thou shalt kill."

Hey, there are guys living in caves in Pakistan and Afghanistan who have their own translation of the Koran, so here we have the American equivalent of Repug Far Right funda-mentals working on their own self-serving translation of the Bible. I guess it’s not enough to rewrite the history of our country in school textbooks according to what loons in Texas want. No history of union struggles in textbooks, no sex in the Bible. It’s all just too subversive for Republikooks. What else can we expect from a tribe that can’t tolerate living in reality? No wonder religious goofballs always want to rapture themselves away from the planet, or put on purple robes and off themselves so they can go live on a comet, or listen to their local Jim Jones and drink cyanide-laced Kool-Aid. They want to leave, one way or the other? Fine, just don’t try to take the rest of us along.

The new, improved Conservapedia Bible will “express free market parables” that will explain economic issues mentioned in the Bible in terms of a free-market meaning. It will also add new force to the idea of the existence of Hell and the red guy with the pointy ears who runs the place. In addition, the Conservabible loons want to redefine words they feel have changed meaning over the eons. One of those words is "peace." Yep, we’re getting real surreal here. "Miracle" is another word whose meaning has supposedly “changed.” I’m guessing that the new Bible will accept the idea that such miracles as Jesus appearing in grilled-cheese sandwiches are real. Will God now start speaking to Moses in 21st-century slang? Will he (certainly not she) do it from a street-corner ATM instead of on a mountaintop?

The Conservabible isn’t about God. It’s about ideology. For a fuller look at the dementia behind this project, feel free to click this link. [You really owe it to yourself to look at this. -- Ed.] Just please don’t hit your computer after you do. You’ll notice that fear of socialism is, of course, part of the menu. To Republikooks, everything is the dreaded socialism. Nine men on a baseball field, all in the same uniform, working to win? Socialism!!! Apparently, those who wrote the Bible over those centuries were all liberals, if not downright socialistas! God, they probably didn’t even know it! That’s how insidious liberalism is. Just say the word socialism, and Republicans start screaming and scattering like ants from a can of Raid.

I can’t wait ‘til they want to change paintings, books, and films. Just wait ‘til Dirty Harry starts telling the punk about Jesus instead of blowing him away with his “.44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world.” Or how about Clark Gable, who as newly dubbed will declare: “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a darn! I’m off to spread the Good News of the Lord.” Or maybe that burning sled at the end of Citizen Kane will say "Jesus" instead of "Rosebud."


TOMORROW: DAY 9 -- The They Have a Right to Remain Silent, and I Wish They Would, Forever Edition

1A. The Pre-Existing Condition Award
1B. Demon Spawn of the Year Award
2. The Clarence Thomas Award
3. The Rahm Emanuel Award for Fund-Raising
4. The Christmas Coven Award
5. The Please Turn Thy Guns on Thyselves Award
6. The Ignor-anus Award
7. The Obese Racist Turd of the Year Award
8. The Ted Bundy Award


THE SERIES SO FAR

Day 1: Con Men, Grifters, and Outlaws Edition
Day 2: The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same Edition
Day 3: Media Manipulators and Seditionistas Edition
Day 4: Teabaggers Edition
Day 5: A Circus of Horrors
Day 6: Toys in the Attic Edition
Day 7: A Circus of Horrors, Carny Row Edition
Day 8: Utter Freak Show Edition, Part 1

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