12 Days of Christmas Scorn: Day 6 -- Toys in the Attic Edition

by Noah

1. THE HIS SUPREME ARROGANCE AWARD

To Lloyd Blankfein, Goldman Sachs Chief Executive Officer or, Chief Executive --------, you fill in the blank. Personally, I kinda like the idea of just removing the ‘l’, and adding a ‘d’ to the end of his surname, then switching the order of a couple of letters. I anoint this slug LORD BANKFIEND and grant it this award not just for demonstrated money-shifting and human-misery-creation abilities, but more because this greedmaster slithered out from under his rock earlier this year just long enough to proclaim that his company was doing, in his words “God’s work.” Some God! No one in the media asked him how he knew that that what Goldman Sachs does to the world is “God’s work,” but, I guess, just like Dubya, he hears the voices and they tell him what to do. I suppose we are just supposed to take the miscreant’s utterances at face value.


Well, I don’t. I am, however, pleased to report that Lord Bankfiend and others at Goldman Sachs are suffering a tiny bit from their misdeeds. It seems that Bankfiend and several other Goldman Sachs slimebuckets are suffering from paranoia, suffering so much that they are, as reports in the New York papers tell us, now getting pistol permits and buying guns for self-protection in case there is a populist uprising! They even double down on their arrogance by thinking that buying a pistol will be enough to protect their butts when the uprising comes. Sure, they can get a pistol permit in NYC. That’s easy. But they’ll be needing a bazooka permit.

One question, though. You need a character reference in order to get a pistol in this town, so . . . Tell ya what, Bankfiend. I’ll give you a character reference so you can get your pistol. Then you meet me at the Not OK Corral at high noon on the 4th of July. Draw, you sniveling bastard!


2. THE TIN MAN AWARD

To Dick Cheney. Mr. Five Deferments, Mr. “I’d Rather Hunt Birds Than Viet Cong ‘Cause They Don’t Shoot Back (and Neither Do My Hunting Buddies. A serial draft dodger who had “other priorities” that kept him from serving in 'Nam and who saw a future for himself as a master war profiteer instead. Now, after he’s just had eight ill-gotten years to do the things he whines and bitches about Obama not doing, he issues his “covering my butt” mutterings like some twitching, prehistoric Dr. Strangelove hiding out in undisclosed bunkers.

If ever someone needed healthcare, this is the guy. When even a former Bush administration official of the stature of Lawrence Wilkerson says he can’t recognize Cheney anymore, Cheney’s got problems. That he is completely deranged and unhinged is beyond debate; stark raving mad. Maybe we should all take up a collection to get him some intense psychiatric care. We could get him a nice comfy straitjacket with a vice presidential seal on it. We could even tell him it’s a presidential seal. That would ease his shattered, troubled mind. I suggest some shock therapy, followed by a deluxe program of waterboard therapy. We keep hearing about his weak heart and his four heart attacks, but that’s bogus. His heart disappeared long ago. So how about it? Collection? Bake sale? Will he have to sell his furniture, or has he gnawed it all to pieces?

Oh wait, Cheney has healthcare, free government-plan healthcare! That damn socialism stuff! It’s kept him alive and cranky for decades! It works, even on him. It’s a true measure of the greatness of democracy that government healthcare can help even the worst among us, and Cheney is living-dead proof! It works! Irony of ironies, it works!


3. THE WORMY APPLE DON'T FALL FAR FROM THE DISEASED TREE AWARD

To Heartless Dick’s daughter Liz, who makes the rounds because Daddy can’t anymore and is often reduced to issuing his diatribes from his cave, like his twisted half-brother Osama bin Laden. Come to think of it, another member of this family of malignant hell-bound munsters, Mama Lynne Cheney, hasn’t been heard from of late. Maybe she’s working through her frustrations with a new novel! How long do we have to wait?


4. THE SOME CHOOSE NOT TO COUNT AWARD

To Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), darling of Repugs everywhere. This one is a measure of a particularly self-destructive stupidity. Rep. Bachmann has made it quite clear that she doesn’t think American citizens should participate in a census, “reasoning” that a census will be used to determine who goes to another crazy Michelle’s, Michelle Malkin's, imaginary American concentration camps built by FEMA.

In the real world, though, the census is used to, among other things divide up the population into congressional districts. If, per her instructions, Bachmann’s constituents are not included in the census because they are not counted, her district could shrink, to nothing, and she could be redistricted out of her job and her platform. Genius! I’d like to be able to think that she would then have to return to being the local village idiot, but we all know that she’d be on Dancing with the Stars in no time and be paid by some seditionist wingnut think tank to speechify her babbling gibberish all over the land.

This is a person to watch. Much like her Alaskan counterpart, she is just the kind of front that the money people behind the Repug Party like to put forward for President. Remember, Dubya and Ronnie Reagan weren’t “all there” either but they knew how to follow a script when it was handed to them.


5. THE CLEAN THOSE SPARK PLUGS AWARD


To Lou Dobbs. Is this guy a tortured soul? Is he someone who went well past his sell date in the back of the CNN fridge? Is it just a matter of brain synapses just not firing anymore? Did he ignore that “check engine” light? Maybe if he just stuck a towel in one ear and pulled it out the other side…


TOMORROW: Day 7 -- Circus of Horrors, Carny Row Edition

1. The Orly Taitz Birf Certificate Award
2. The One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest Award
3. The My God Is a Big Gay God Award
4. The Tucker Carlson Memorial Mister Twister Award
5. The Revisionist Award
6. The Terry Schiavo Award
7. The Smooth Dude Award
8. The Militant Ignorance Award


THE SERIES SO FAR

Day 1: Con Men, Grifters, and Outlaws Edition
Day 2: The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same Edition
Day 3: Media Manipulators and Seditionistas Edition
Day 4: Teabaggers Edition
Day 5: A Circus of Horrors

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