12 Days of Christmas Scorn: Day 8 -- Utter Freak Show Edition, Part 1

[It turns out that Noah has reserved quite a load of Christmas Scorn for New Year's Day, so we've decided to split it into two parts, both to appear today. You'll find the first five awards below. At 10am PT we'll pause for some more or less real-news-related kvetching, and then at 2pm PT we'll be back with the five remaining Day 8 Scorn Awards. -- Ken]

by Noah

1. THE REV. JIMMY SWAGGART CARLOAD O' PORN AWARD

As predicted in an earlier post: awarded and well-earned by Sen. Tom Coburn’s chief of staff, Mike Schwartz, who, speaking at this year’s Values Voter Summit revealed that “All pornography is homosexual,” and that porno makes you gay! Jeez, I thought it was disco music or the British school system. He had already established that being gay is something that is “inflicted” on boys, and that the last thing an adolescent male wants to be is gay, so tell them never to view porno. Hmmm.

Was this assclown saying something about himself? Do Republicans know about gay women? There was an audible gasp from the audience as they moved closer to the edges of their seats to hear more, and more, and more. Numerous questions and queries were made.



What is it with Repugs and sex? Well, there you have it. Chances are, porno will lead you into a career of interior decorating, choreography, hairdressing, or at least make you real good at flower arranging, so if those career choices don’t really appeal to you, lay off the damn porn, will ya! Now if only I could do something about my hairy palms and loss of eyesight!


2. THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING AWARD

To the RNC’s figurehead chairbozo, Michael Steele. I know he only got chosen after it was revealed that the guy who was slotted on the fast track belonged to a whites-only club, and I’m sure they wanted to give the gig to Trent Lott or David Duke, but this guy is crazy, and damn entertaining too! Keep it up, Michael! Someday they’ll even give you an office and a phone!


"I'm a cause-and-effect kind of guy, so if I do something, there's a reason for it. Even, it may look like a mistake, a gaffe, there's a rationale, there's a logic behind it." And in the case of his toadying turnaround on Rush? "I want to see what the landscape looks like. I want to see who yells the loudest. I want to know who says they're with me but really isn't."


3. THE SEN. DAVID "DIAPERS" VITTER GOLDEN DIAPER AWARD

To dirtyboy Newt Gingrich. "Private Rooms Available" at the Newt office? Twice in the past year Newt has handed out his Entrepreneurial Awards to companies and then up taken them back. The first one was to a porn and sex-toy emporium in his own state of Georgia. The other was to a titty bar in Dallas. After the awards became public, Newt claimed ignorance (no jokes, please) and said he really didn’t know, etc. Once? Hey, stuff happens! But twice?

I’d love to see Newt’s DVD rental list. The thought of him blowing up a doll and retiring to his videos every night is more than I can bear. No wonder he was such a supporter of Clarence “Long Dong Silver” Thomas and his fab porn collection! Say no more.


4. THE ADOLF EICHMANN AWARD

To the Westboro Baptist Church, which took its touring protest show to Brooklyn on Yom Kippur weekend this year to protest at synagogues on the Sabbath day and then on to Catholic churches the next day. This is the group that thinks their mission from God is to disrupt funerals of soldiers, funerals of mine cave-in victims, professional sports events, other churches and competing religious leaders, pop and rock concerts, you name it. They have engaged in a reported 41,000 protests since 1991, spending church money at a rate of $250,000 per year on their bizarre protests; that’s money that could go for good works if these Christonuts really practiced what Christonuts claim to believe in.



Why do they do all of this protesting? Well, they figure, like most religious crazies, that they speak for God, and that God in this case is very mad at America for all of the tolerance it supposedly shows to gay people. Methinks they protest way too much. There doesn’t seem to be anything, to them, that is not worth protesting. These loons even have a website. It’s www.Godhatesfags.com. Oh, there they go again! Sex makes Repugs so damn uncomfy. Very Christian of them. Their leader, the Rev. Fred Phelps, would make for an interesting psychiatric study, but that he has so many followers. No doubt his hardy band of traveling nuts has provided inspiration for the Teabaggers who go to town hall meetings and laugh at and shout down people who have lost their children because of lack of access to health care. Some people love to bathe in the glow of their own evil.


5. THE JOE McCARTHY "I HAVE A LIST" AWARD


To Rep. Spencer Bachus III from the Deep South tribal area of Alabama, who early this year doffed his propeller beanie and boasted to reporters that he had compiled a secret list of congressional “socialists.” I guess the list isn’t a secret anymore. Also, I bet a list of congressional loons in need of a lifetime of therapy and electroshock treatment would be longer. I’m also assuming that, although Spencer Thomas Bachus is the third member of his family with the same name, he is probably the first member of his family to walk on two legs, even if his knuckles still drag on the ground a bit.

Wikipedia informs us that Bachus represents a district that includes "the whiter, wealthier areas" of Birmingham and Tuscaloosa. Why am I not surprised? Bachus is known for his shrewd stock trading, especially when it comes to short-term stock options. I’m sure that being a member of the House Committee on Financial Services doesn’t hurt there.


TUNE IN AT 2PM PT FOR THE REST
OF TODAY'S SCORN AWARDS

6. The Pitter-Patter of Little Feet Award
7. The Golden Pacifier Award
8. The Very, Very Special Loon Award
9. The Why Do You Hate Americans? Award
10. The Why Do You Hate the Bible? Award


THE SERIES SO FAR

Day 1: Con Men, Grifters, and Outlaws Edition
Day 2: The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same Edition
Day 3: Media Manipulators and Seditionistas Edition
Day 4: Teabaggers Edition
Day 5: A Circus of Horrors
Day 6: Toys in the Attic Edition
Day 7: A Circus of Horrors, Carny Row Edition

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