'TIS THE SEASON: SOME GIFT IDEAS FROM (AND ALSO FOR) PROGRESSIVES

by Noah

Here's my twisted little inner Santa's list of gift ideas. 'Twas the nightmare before Christmas…

1. GEORGE W. BUSH

As I write this, I am gazing wistfully into my George W. Bush "On the Gallows" snow globe. What could be more seasonal? What could be more festive than to give Dubya a fair trial the night before Christmas and then, on Inauguration Day, take him out and hang him for his treason and other crimes on a nice built-by-out-of-work-union-carpenters gallows? Hangings are so green, too. No electricity is used, and the gallows can be built with recycled materials. Only the corpse is toxic, and I'm reasonably sure that there's a dump in Nevada or Utah that can handle that. It's gift numero uno for discerning progressive citizens. Long overdue, as well.

Aw hell, just give him a huge bag of pretzels and let nature take it's course. We can settle for effigy hangings lining both sides of Constitution Avenue like a modern-day Appian Way.

2. DICK CHENEY

I envision another snow globe that any progressive would love to own. I'd put mine on my bedroom window sill so it would be the first thing I see every morning, just after I bash my Clarence Thomas alarm clock. This snow globe features Dick Cheney tied to a tree in a non-clear-cut woodland, wearing only a bright orange hunter's cap and an "I'm Number 2" loincloth. He's covered from head to toe in honey, and, because of the global warming he denies, the local bears just aren't hibernating, even if there is a little slushy snow in the air.

3. BILL O'REILLY

I admit it. There are times when I watch FOX "News." Call me perverse (if you haven't already), but I like to see what the hardcore far-right loonies are blabbing about in their foaming-at-the-mouth, barely coherent delusion. I have something I'd like to see, and I know, from conversations I've had, that others would like to see too. It could be a gift that both instructs and entertains. I would like to see Bill O'Reilly do his show every night hooked up to a lie detector, complete with a little Lie-O-Meter in the crawl at the bottom of my screen. This way, when he lies about things like the Minnesota election for U.S. senator being certified for Coleman the day after election day, the viewer can see the truth in real time.

This whole concept could evolve (I love using the e-word in relation to republikooks! EVOLVE! EVOLVE!) into a true game show atmosphere if we add a little stocking stuffer in the form of a dunking stool that O'Lielly gets strapped into at the end of the show. It would add a delicious dramatic tension. I'd be merciful, though, rest assured. The gift of the dunking stool spectacle would only be used if Bill-O lied more than five times in any given show. That seems fair, balanced, and compassionate.

4. SEAN HANNITY

For all the damage Sean Hannity has done to our country with his made-up quotes, lies, stories, and generally hateful, vomitous, devisive spew, I recommend a nice new suit. Unlike the ones he wears, I'd make sure this one is properly tailored, and complete with a lining of 500 hyped-up joy buzzers that would go off every time he utters a falsehood. What progressive wouldn't want to see that? The nice new suit would even have buckles in the back, straitjacket-style, befitting a man who's real name is Sean Insanity.

5. HANK PAULSON

Is it just me or is this assclown the reincarnation of Colonel Klink? Go ahead, look at his picture. In your mind, replace his glasses with a monocle and dress him up in a German colonel's uniform, give him a riding crop, and there you have it. He's every bit as competent too: a total bumbling boob with our future in his hands, handing out our money to crooks like the bankers who he said would use it to help people get housing loans. Guess what! They didn't. Surprise! We're sunk. Send Hank to the Russian front forever -- without new boots and mittens, of course.

6. ANDREW SORKIN

Yet another in a growing line of hack right-wing tool "reporters" from the New York Times. Jayson Blair was bad enough, but at least his made-up factoids didn't damage anybody other than himself and his increasingly questionable employer. Since Blair, we've been set upon by the likes of Judith Miller and Bill Keller leading the charge to a trumped-up war for oil profits. Now it's corporatist bozo supremo Andrew Sorkin. This is the guy who invented the urban legend that U.S. auto workers get an average of $70 to $80 an hour, when the truth is closer to $28 an hour. Sorkin's bogus figure is now bandied about by his fellow righties as evidence that the entire problem with the American auto industry can be laid at the feet of labor and their supposedly excessive pay scale, and therefore all unions must be outlawed, etc., etc. Wall Street loves this guy. I wonder why?

My gift for him is simple. Like billions in this world, Sorkin should be forced into a job that won't pay the bills. For that job, he'll need what every boy wants at holiday time, a nice shiny new bicycle. In my just world, he will need the bike for his new job as a newspaper delivery boy in the worst, most crime-ridden ghetto the world has to offer. Pedal fast, little Andy. Sure hope that big bag of papers doesn't slow you down. Don't worry about a nice union retirement pension. You won't be needing it. See how millions live because of people who think just like you.

7. THE CEOs OF THE BIG THREE AUTOMAKERS

No, not necessarily BMW, Honda, and Nissan. I mean Ford, GM, and Chrysler. These guys flew into Washington on their flying bordellos looking for a $25 billion welfare handout and couldn't even tell Congress what they would do with the money. Why? Because, like many corporatists, they haven't a clue how to run their business other than to increase market share by buying up or taking over smaller businesses, slashing staff, busting unions, and grubbing money from the government and worker pension funds. Sounds a lot like the mob, doesn't it?

The idea of building products that people want never occurs to their tiny little reptilian minds until long after the crap hits the fan. Instead, they send out liars from the New York Times and the Heritage Foundation to the media armed with phony stats to blame labor and to blame us for buying foreign cars that get better mileage, last longer, and actually start on a cold winter's day. They say they can't meet better mileage requirements, yet the companies they control in Europe do meet those mileage requirements. They say labor makes an average of $70-$80 an hour when less than half of that is the case. They blame unions when there are also auto-worker unions in Japan. The U.A.W. gave back $12 billion off of their own salaries a year ago. What did these CEOs give back from their fat-cat salaries and their fat-cat bonuses?

What the Big Three are really looking to do is not change their products or their way of doing business. Yeah, Congress can give them some pantomime conditions, but the Big Three will pocket the billions, soon to be $34 billion or more, and look to do what they really want to do: destroy union agreements they agreed to and rob the pension funds that workers paid into.

But unions aren't the big problem. Our health-care system is. It adds $2000 in costs per car. How do we start to rectify this? Give the Big Three and us a program of single-payer health care. Works for everybody, and car sales will recover just as they have in more advanced countries.

8. NANCY PELOSI

We mustn't forget our friends, but in the spirit of the generosity of the season are gifts that the objects of our affection -- er, derision want too! I don't want to come off as being as mean-spirited as, say, the outgoing "president." I'd like you, dear readers, to view me as being at least as compassionate as Mr. Compassionate Conservative.

What do we give this moron who took impeachment off the table, thus using the Constitution for toilet paper in her office? She has set an extremely bad precedent, which will someday come back to haunt this country in a horrible way. She has enabled BushCo to broaden what is permissible when it comes to breaking the law of the land. On top of that, she did it in the name of "more pressing matters before Congress."

What could be more pressing? Everything we have comes from the Constitution that she and her followers in both parties willfully ignored. We talk with pride about having elected Barack Obama and what that means for our country, but we should be ashamed for letting Bush off the hook. The Founding Fathers would not be happy with us. People like Pelosi lack the intelligence to see the ramifications of what they have done by choosing not to act. In keeping with the spirit of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, I would give Speaker Pelosi the gift of a view of Christmas Future.

Such a bleak future doesn't have to be, Ms. Pelosi. It's not too late to act. Nixon was allowed to get away with his crimes. Bush went and pushed the envelope further. What's next: our own Stalin rounding up citizens in the dead of night? A General Pinochet? Preserve America for future generations. Put it back on the table. Redeem yourself.

9. ANN COULTER

Let's talk about Coultergeist! No, you say? Please never mention her name, you say? Bah humbug! Nastybitch gotta get hers. The Queen of Mean prides herself on coming up with nasty little flings of fetid verbiage. So what's the perfect gift for such a disturbed little child? I have a sneaking suspicion that she's always wanted to see one of those legendary donkey shows in Tijuana. Let's give her a pair of tickets to one! And make sure it's Audience Participation Night! She can bring along Michelle Malkin.

10. RUDY

Rudy Julieandrews? The man who would be Ru Paul? Easy! A brand-new print dress that depicts scenes of 9/11! That way, he doesn't even have to say it anymore. Actually, by this point, he doesn't anyway. There's talk, here in New York, that he wants to run for governor. Well, the last idiot governor we had, Eliot "The Spritzer" Spitzer, got caught with his pants down with a "special personal relationship." With his brand-new dress and a nice little stocking stuffer of a makeup kit, Rudy can go Eliot one better and be his own whore! That's what a truly narcissistic politician is anyway.

By the way, there is a precedent for a crossdressing governor in New York. His name was Edward Hyde, Lord Cornbury. Back in 1701, the King of England named Lord Cornbury "His High Mightiness the Governor of the Colony." Nice title, eh? So overcompensatingly British! But wait, there's more, he not only liked to wear his wifey's duds, he liked to get roaring drunk at the same time! Sooo British! Say no more! I can just see Rudy taking on the title too! "His High Mightiness and King of All Megalomania"! Ooops, make that Queen.

11. SARAH PALIN

For Sarah Palin? An education. E-D-U-C-A-T-I-O-N.

12. JOHN McCAIN

This man is an American tragedy. He had the respect of millions of people, even ones that didn't agree with him, and even if he didn't always deserve it. He threw it all away in favor of the nastiest, most nonsensical, meandering, and disorganized campaign any major-party figure has ever run. He was lucky that the mainstream media protected him to the extent that they never looked below the surface of the man's character. No amount of gift-giving generosity can ever gain him back that respect and honor, but, maybe someone can find him his mind and return it to him, so he can live out the rest of his days with some semblance of babbling comfort.

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Well, that's just some suggestions. If you want to accuse me of kicking people when they're down, I have no problem with that. I don't want them to get up again.

Just be glad I didn't tell you what I'd like to do to those Verizon and Purity Products phone marketeers that harass me every damn day. My inner Santa has checked the list. Who's naughty? Who's nice? That whole "Santa's list" thing is quite judgmental, don't you think? Merry Christmas to all, and to Bill O'Lielly, Happy Holidays!

A FRIENDLY NOTE TO ANY WINGNUT LURKERS

First of all, for any knuckle-dragging troglodyte repug trolls out there who might actually have the stomach to read this, let me recommend growing a sense of humor. I know that's hard for the pursed-lipped tigh-ass crowd, but we on the other side have had to fight to keep our sense of humor for many years. Now it's your turn. See how the shoe fits.

Hopefully, it pinches a bit; make that more than a bit. Raw red and gangreen are the colors of this season. If it's now a Stephen King world for you, so be it. Yeah, some of it may even be nasty, but I like to think that there's such a thing as karma payback. I also like to view this piece of sarcasm as my good karma deed for the season, for nothin' suits a schoolyard bully like a fist through the face -- a smug, elitist, holier-than-thou, I-speak-for-God repug face. If you can run off your mouths for the last 20 years or more, saying you speak for God, what's the crime of a lefty blogger presuming to be an instrument of a little karmic retribution?

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