JOBS THEY ARE REALLY SUITED FOR

carney geek + prey

Hello. Greetings from the Noah Job Placement Service! I've had a degree in Broadcast Journalism that has often gone unused, so I thought; what could be my contribution to the
Profession that I chose not to follow, opting for the music business instead. I often wonder if the world would be a better place if others had made a similar decision. So,
Without further delay:

The Jobs They're Really Suited For:

Chris Matthews- Game Show Host. This is the smarm master who said "everyone supports this war." Well, maybe everyone he hangs with, like Tom Delay. Besides, there's no pressure. The host isn't the one that has to be right, only the contestants. Hey, is that Price Is Right job still open?

Glenn Beck- In every major city, there's a system of sewer conduits running under the city to the nearest river or bay. After a major storm, the conduits are often clogged with debris. Who gets to put on the hazmat suit and go down and save the day? The job is called SEWER FLUSHER. Matches Beck's show perfectly. He could do it in London and be ROYAL SEWER FLUSHER.

Paula Zahn- Sure she loves to hang with her friends the Bushes in Kennebunkport and, maybe she should do just that, HANG, with a rope made from Barbara's hair. Until then, CHATTY MANICURIST. You're soaking in it, baby. What IT is, I have no idea.

Tucker Carlson- Yeah his daddy's a lawyer and fund raiser for Scooter boy, but that doesn't save Tucker from being who he was really meant to be, a fund raiser of a different sort, a NIGHTCLUB POLE DANCER. You decide what kind of club, depending on your preference. Nothin' left but the bow tie. What it's tied around is up to him.

Wolf Blitzer- With a name like this, a person can only be Commandant of a Panzer Tank Division, or, maybe Stalag 13, if Colonel Klink ever gets sent to the front. My number one memory of Wolfman is of he and David Gergen expressing their dismay and incredulity that a new poll had revealed the STUNNING news (to them) that Americans trusted Bill Clinton more than their man Dubya. From their delusional viewpoint, it was like they were watching a high school basketball team run the San Antonio Spurs off the court. It just couldn't be!

Michael Savage- I'm at a loss here. You see, I don't even know WHAT SPECIES this creepo is.

Neil Boortz- This blob of fetid ectoplasm recently claimed that the Libby and Clinton cases were the same, right down to the verdict. Well, they weren't and, besides Clinton was acquitted, unlike the treasonous Libby, contrary to what Bortz repeatedly claims. His new job: Glenn Beck's partner under the streets. Sorry, the budget only allows for one hazmat suit.

Bill O'Lielley- You'd have thought he'd learned compassion after years of riding to school on the short bus. I can't look at him without seeing a propeller beanie perched on his very disturbing cranium. LIVE PREY at a "hunting humans camp" in Mexico. It's Karma. 

Michelle Malkin- Wants to have all Moslems in America in interment camps. Seems to forget that she might have been in one had she been around in WWII. Would she have considered that just? Ah, what would Noah's job placement service provide for such a charred little soul? I'm thinking something that could help children learn something in a well-funded school. (Yes, they used to have them before her kind took over the airwaves and the government.) For Michele, I suggest FROG IN A 9TH GRADE BIOLOGY CLASS. Vicious, I know, but fair. Scalpel please!

Brian Williams- Back in the 1990s, this guy was Saturday anchor for the NBC Nightly News. I remember a special report he did from Ohio that dealt with factory closings and jobs being shipped over seas or just eliminated. He essentially blamed the workers who dared to seek a decent wage and benefits program. Hmmm. No mention of the policies set forth by our Congresscreeps that incentivized corporations to ship jobs over seas. Williams got his reward. He's now the main NBC anchor. That's how it works when you do the bidding of the Korporate Masters. For Brian, I envision a job of penance. He gets relocated to Ohio and takes up his new gig as Meals On Wheels courier in the dying, impoverished towns of Ohio. Oh, and no shoes or winter coat for you, Brian. God help you if you catch a cold.

Sean Insanity- What suits a creature who, when continually faced with reality, denies it?
A 16 year old girl still claiming to be a virgin come some Sunday morning? Well, that's not really a job, so: Remember that Monty Python Dead Parrott sketch? John Clease brings back an obviously dead parrot to the pet store. No matter what he says, the store guy repeatedly denies that the parrot is anything but a perfectly healthy, happy, singing bird, even after Clease shows that the parrot is nailed to its perch in the cage. Yep, Hannity would be the sleazy vendor at the pet store, selling dead or nearly dead animals, preferably sick puppies to little girls who would soon be heartbroken. Nice guy.

Ann Coulter- This girl(?) has got options! BELLIGERENT COCKTAIL WAITRESS? Or. CARNY GEEK, biting off the heads of chickens at the fair, Cackling all the time and brushing her hair with the bones.

Tom Brokaw- This guy may have been right about the "greatest generation," but, then, he also called George W. Bush a "decent man" on election night 2000. There went his credibility. The ability to distort character can come in handy before the bench. DEFENSE LAWYER, for mobsters.

Katie Couric-  QVC HOSTESS? A modern day Vanna White.

Larry King- "HELLO HELL." WALMART GREETER IN HELL. After all, he's the right age and looks perfect in those suspenders. Maybe he should just rot in hell after saying what a fine family all the Bushes are and endlessly rerunning his interview with George and Laura before the 2004 election. Whaddaya get for that one Larry?

Bill Keller- As editor of the once reasonably objective New York Times, this is the goon who gave us Judith Miller, and shamelessly promoted the Bush candidacy while his Op-Ed page endorsed the other guys, and, he refused to question two "elections" of his guy. So much for the paper of record. The proper job for this guy would be SOCIETY PAGE EDITOR of a mindless catty society page in some rich bitch repug town in Mississippi, groveling for invites to Trent Lott's house parties.

Tony Snow- Press Secretary for So-Called President Bush. Oh wait, he already HAS that job! I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. What a pathetic walking piece of crap. Not as bad as his predecessor, Scotty McClellan though, yet. Anyone who works for such icons of evil deserves whatever ugly fate befalls them. Who's next? Wanted one Press Secretary. Impeccable pathological liar credentials needed. Must be comfortable with total evil and hypocrisy. Brit Hume? John "Off His Meds" Gibson? Rush "On His Meds (and yours)" Limbaugh? Faux News. One stop shopping. CNN, close second.

Well, that's about it. Career choices do exist, for some. I have just one more:  Thom Hartmann- President Of The United States. Our country would be in such better hands.



-NOAH


UPDATE: WE MUST PLAN FOR A POST-WING NUT MASS MEDIA

Noah has a great idea about what to do with Chris Matthews. And I'd like to make a suggestion about a replacement for him. Have you seen David Shuster in action? WOW! This guy knows how to handle the hard-core Neocons alright. He subbed for Matthews today-- perhaps Tweety was auditioning for The Price Is Right-- and he just slammed down the treacherous and intellectually dishonest wingnut Fouad Ajami, one of the Free Scooter Mandela crowd. John over at Crooks & Liars has the video up-- and it's really a great way to start the weekend.