LETTER TO TED NUGENT FROM PHILBERT SUGGS

FROM THE DESK OF PHILBERT SUGGS
TO: TED NUGENT
Radical Right-wing hunter
Republican guitar hero
Reality TV show host
Real loin cloth wearer

Dear Mr. Nugent,

My name is Philbert Suggs and I'm a huge fan of your work.
Its beautiful, and somewhat magical what you've accomplished considering you've really had nothing to work with. You've killed more animals in your life time (according to the Guinness book of records) than any other man whose hair extends past his shoulders. I think its important that you understand that I know that this troubles you, (you mention it in every interview) but I've never been one of those men who have despised you or think those not very nice thoughts of you because of your long wavy and womanly like hair. No, not me Ted. I'm probably your biggest fan because I know how manly you are and I've come to realize that both you and I are so very much alike as well.

     Besides the divine like coincidence that both of us have been in and out of court and kicked out of numerous charitable events for our racist comments. I have dedicated my life just as you have to forwarding the agenda of violence against animals. This agenda we both share of upholding our god given dominion and power over all the   creatures who walketh the earth is first and foremost of importance for you sir as well as for myself.
Now when I heard your righteous speech at the NRA's 2005 national convention in Houston and I witnessed first hand your intense passion for killing as well as your hankering sentimental intensity for glorifying our leaders war in Iraq, I cried with bitter tears of joy, and weeped with a sincere rugged pride. Sir, the way your words darted so peacefully from the killing of animals, to the killing of Iraqis was pure strategery in its piercing comparisons. And when you shrieked out your famous motto "lets whack em and stack em!" to an auditorium packed with thousands of other merciless and wet eyed gun loving men I knew that you were speaking the language of our modern right-wing family values more accurately than I had ever heard it expressed before.
Oh Nuge, your message about liberating Iraqi's from the grip of evil by killing them is similar to your whole philosophy regarding the killing of animals to save them from the perils they will certainly face living in the woods or thickets. Indeed, when you go shooting up rabbits, blowing away deer, slaying raccoons, blasting bears and just whacking and stacking so many animals who otherwise might starve in a harsh winter climate you are like the "Mother Theresa to animals" as you call yourself.
As you know we hunters have defended our joy in killing animals throughout history as necessary for human survival. Yet now, just like our brave war time President who maintains that we must continue to save Iraqis by blowing them up, you make it crystal "see through" style clear that we will only save the earth's creatures from extinction, by killing them.
Because of your celebrity status and America's incredible success's in Iraq, I come to you with an idea that could help save the fast declining activity we call hunting. What we need to do now is to liberate a very popular animal from its supposed possible potential extinction and use the same language, propaganda and uplifting slogans that General Cheney and Commander Bush used in persuading congress and the public to liberate the Iraqis.
  Now Nuge, I have just seen the very popular moving picture "March of The Penguins" six times and yes I do know its a French film because the filmmakers did not gun down any penguins with a Xypex 44 maxim magnum master 750xxx Panther (dual scope) Winchester Mystery House semi automatic shotgun series, like any red blooded American patriotic would have. I was imagining with my eyes closed the other morning while cleaning the shaft on my miniature Smith and Wesson 69 how the kids today just really love these bird critters so much that if you could help me organize a hunting mission to wherever that artica place is and we could liberate us some Emperor Penguins we might encourage more families with children to hunt. Ted,with the right name like The Committee For The Liberation Of Penguin Birds, your patriotic fervor, and my talent for coercion we can build a case for this mission and our dying sport. And Ted my brother, the most exciting thing is, that similar to the fenced in animals on your ranch these critters don't hardly ever move for months while they are raising their young ones. Those penguin birds would make such simple and easy targets just like the raccoons and old deer you nail so patriotically in your back yard that we could just whack em and stack em and bring total liberation, promote regional security, create Penguin Freedom and democracy thus saving our way of life!

God Bless You, Ted.

Patriotically yours,

Philbert Suggs

PS- Ted please check out my review of your book "Blood Trails" on Amazon.com (http://www.amazon.com/gp/cdp/member-reviews/A2WVMPCAKKMH54/ref=cm_cr_auth/103-7013865-1399866?%5Fencoding=UTF8). I gave it 5 out of 5 stars.