"When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying the cross."
-- Sinclair Lewis
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
DWT’s 2019 Holiday (Not Christmas) Gift Ideas For Republicans, Part 2: The Why Can’t Donnie Read Edition
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-by Noah I know that, generally, the idea of giving a book to a Republican seems, at first, unnatural but let’s be fair. Someone is buying all that printed sewage by Ann Coulter and even such Republican luminaries as Sarah Palin and Donald Trump put out books, whether they actually wrote them or could read them or not. Even Donnie Junior has a book out under his very own name. It’s even on the New York Times Best Seller List, although thanks only to the RNC’s bulk buying of whole warehouses of the thing. Yeah, Republicans, when you donate to the RNC, your money goes into buying future landfill. Congratulations! So, come on. Are ya stuck for an idea of what to give that crazy Republican uncle or the guy next door with a Confederate flag on the porch and a swastika above his fireplace? How about a nice book? May I suggest: 1. The Night Dad Went To Jail? I’m not sure if this one was written by one of the Trump offspring under a
pseudonym but remember, it’s the thought that counts so tell your
republican giftee that it was, step back and watch the confusion and
consternation!
2. Or, there’s this, Donnie Junior’s book. He calls it Triggered but we know
better. Variations include Tree Son, Figgered (actually available on
Amazon), My Daddy Always Gets Me A Job No Matter How Often I Fuck
Up! (I personally witness this phenomenon in the music business!) Fingered, and probably, Fuggered. Junior’s “book” has triggered a whole
viral festival of parody titles. My favorite may be Daddy Please Love Me, even though that one could be
by any of the Trump mutant offspring. Who knew a Trump child could write
anything more than a tweet? And why does Junior’s beard always look like
Stephen Miller’s sad attempt at fake hair?
3. Gotta love this book suggestion! Dear F*cking Lunatic-101 Obscenely
Rude Letters To Donald Trump. This one is one is a splendid compendium
of righteous nastiness aimed at Trump’s boundless megalomania, narcissism,
and brazen incompetence. Available on amazon and many of the few
remaining bookstores in America. Buy it before Republicans start burning
every copy they can find. There’s also a companion book appropriately titled Dear Fucking Moron-101 More Rude Letters To Donald Trump. You may
want to send some of these to the White House yourself!
4. You know how Republicans hang on every tweet that their idol tweets out on his
golden throne of a toilet? Well, thanks to the wonderful Trevor Noah and The
Daily Show, there’s a whole book of ‘em! Working with Pulitzer winner Jon
Meacham, Trevor Noah (no relation) has compiled The Donald J. Trump
Presidential Twitter Library (Available on Amazon) The book is arranged in
chapters
• The Masterpieces: In depth critical appreciations of hits like Stable Genius, Covfefe to Trump Tower Taco Bowl/I Love Hispanics! • The Greatest Battles: @realDonaldTrump’s tweets against fellow
Republicans, Diet Coke, women generally, and more. • Sad! A Retrospective: Kind of an autobiography. • Trumpstradamus: Trump’s amazing 140 character predictions, none of
which came true. • The Hall of Nicknames: Lyin’ Ted to Low I.Q. To Crazy Mika • Trump vs. Trump: Hard to believe but, sometimes Señor Trumpanzee
contradicts himself. • Always The Bet: Trump’s greatest, most tremendous, bigly boasts of all
time!
Now what Republican wouldn’t want a book like that? They’ll cherish every word.
Presenting DWT’s 2019 Holiday (Not Christmas) Gift Ideas For Republicans
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-by Noah Each year at this time, I, out of the innate goodness of my heart, compile a list of gifts that I find suitable for any Republican. Of course, the gifts will have no effect on the behavior of such people. You can never expect fanatics and the insane to change. After all, how can a simple gesture of such good will change an ill mind? But, there’s a big problem. What do you get if you want to give a republican a special gift that shows your Trump supporter that you’re thinking of them during this most wonderful time of the year? Don’t go giving them one of those stupid red MAGA “I’m With The KKK” or “I’m With Stupid” hats. They already have plenty of those. Likewise, they might already have a gross of Trump straws (Yes, they really exist.) They’re just like the ones their boy probably uses to snort crushed up Adderrall.) So, without further ado, here’s the list for 2019. 1. First things first: I’m sure any Republican would welcome an English-Russian
dictionary. I suggest the audiobook version, for obvious reasons. 2. President Predicto-- Donald Trump Fortune Teller Ball! Notice that on the
packaging it says Age 6+. The makers of this gift surely took the intellect of the
typical Republican into serious consideration. Know your market!
The makers of President Predicto also know that any Trump fan is the kind of
person that will spend mindless hours and hours talking to a plastic ball. How’s it work? Just ask President Predicto a question and, after some cheesy
spooky music, Trump will answer in his own voice. What more could a
member of the American Taliban want under a Christmas tree delivered
fresh from a clearcut forest? President Predicto is, like everything else,
available at amazon and, of course, Walmart. aka Trump Buyer’s Club. Special
note: Trumpies really do like this product. If you want to really shake your
head or fist, just read the comments for this product on its amazon page. I
encourage those who enjoy supplying better comments to do so. 3. The Trump Twenty-Twenty Dollar Bill! What better gift to give the fan of
a counterfeit president than a bit of counterfeit U.S. currency. It’s perfect for
those idiots who’ve been writing Trump’s name on the backs of their twenty
bills with arrows pointing right at two of the 20s in the corners. It’s
available at lots of online locations and it even comes in variations
that feature Melania (clothed, not naked). That special republican you know
will also appreciate that it’s a Trump 20 and not a Harriet Tubman 20. As for
me, I can’t help but think that, to have your face on U.S. currency, you have to
be dead.
4. The Do It Yourself Rapture Machine! Got a Republican Jesus devotee on
your list? How about you send them on their way to the great hereafter
(aka the ultimate gated community) with this nifty Rapture Machine!
Sure, it’s not available in stores but if you’re handy with tools and like
wood-working, and I don’t necessarily mean in a Lindsey Graham kinda way,
you can just look at the picture, run to the lumber yard and get started today!
If there’s any lumber leftovers, give them that too, and watch them build a
cross on their front yard with some friends and set fire to it.
5. Some nice Moscow Mitch Merch! Available from the Kentucky Democrats
website. The Republican Cossack Hat is a must!
Well, that’s it for this year, almost. Tomorrow, I will be posting a fine list of books you might want to give to any Republicans that read books. Meanwhile, here’s a picture of the present I would welcome for Christmas. Any patriotic American would!
Holiday Gift Ideas For Republicans: DWT’s Annual List Of Gift Suggestions For Malformed Minds!
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by Noah Yep. It’s that wonderful holiday time of year again! Oh joy! There’s a new drunk on the “Supreme” Court. The biggest tax scam ever is now in place thanks to greedy repugs and those who vote for them. Carcinogenic pollutants are now free to fill our air and water like never before. Kushner’s pal is carving up journalists whenever he takes time off from beheading women. Who says that republican in your life doesn’t deserve a special gift? Just be sure to say Merry Christmas! And now, my suggestions, but first, please don’t consider giving some Republican dad or crazy uncle a tiki torch. That would be the most boring choice you could make. Republicans have garages full of tiki torches. Giving a tiki torch is like giving dad a tie. 1. Bone Saws! How about a bone saw? What could be more appropriate? I know when I think of Republicans, I think of bone saws! In fact, I advocate open carry of bone saws! Your Republican friends will love you! Although, you’ll have to personally demonstrate how they are used; and, kept sharpened for multiple use. If you wanna go the whole hog, accessory options include ropes and buckets. Remember, nothing says F U like a bone saw. Why not take one to Washington and toss it over the fence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.? Send one to some lucky horse’s ass in Congress, too! Let them know your love with this symbolic gesture! MAGA! MAGA! 2. A Customizable Alibi Calendar! Got a Republican friend who’s been accused of rape? Attempted rape? Murder? I know, who doesn’t? But think how handy a nice E-Z-Wipe Calendar, made out of that same smooth material found in any white board in any conference room in America, would come in for any republican friend who as been accused of assaulting a woman, or, whatever, even screwing a porn star! Help your friend save that $130,000! Your friend can just wipe off any incriminating evidence from the past and write in that they were attending a prayer meeting miles away with Squee, Moose, PJ, Sheriff Joe, or, best of all, hanging out in a rural South Carolina motel with Lindsey Graham. Available in different sizes at the few remaining stationary stores, and, of course, on line.
3. Mushroom Hat- Inspired by Stormy Daniels! Get that Trumpie in your life ready for 2020 (if Trump makes it that far). Sure Ivanka has her own crappy shoe lines or whatever and Melania has her “I Really Don’t Care” jackets, but leave it to a porn star to come up with an idea for new Trump headgear. Who needs one of those “Hi, I’m a dumbass” MAGA hats when you can give them this? Nothing says Trump than a ‘shroom hat. MAGA straitjacket not available at this time. 4. A Book! – After you’ve found a Trump supporter that not only can read but also sensibly comprehend, why not gift them with a book? May I suggest “The Apprentice” by Greg Miller? Your giftee might even think it’s a love story. Sure, they will be fearful at first. So many words! So much longer than one of Dear Leader’s tweets! But give your abilities at the fine art of persuasion a real workout and try to cajole them into reading. Point out the cover. You know that as soon as they see their idol walking in the shadow of The Kremlin on the cover, a relaxed happy smile will result. They might even think it’s a love story. Tell them it’s sort of like a “Dr. Zhivago” set in the present day. And, since republicans hate trees, you can even point out that the killing of trees was involved in making the book! Alternate Suggestion 1: “Assholes: A Theory Of Donald Trump” by Aaron James. Philosopher Aaron James wrote the best seller “Assholes: A Theory” several years ago. Back in 2016, he turned his thoughts to just one man, Donald Trump, hero of Republicans everywhere. James is a leading figure in the burgeoning field of Asshole Studies. You say you don’t believe this book actually exists? Look it up. Available on amazon, even in Kindle form. Alternate suggestion 2: A copy of “Fear” by Bob Woodward. This book is best presented in audio book form, with the volume up to 11, by locking your Republican acquaintance or crazy Archie Bunker uncle in a room tied to a chair. Just close the door and leave, forever. Be sure to say Merry Christmas though. It’s the spirit of giving that counts. 5. A Confederate Flag- Until someone starts selling Confederate flag wee-wee pads, a plain old Confederate flag will have to do. Sure, it’s not a gift that requires a lot of imagination on your part, but BELIEVE ME, no gift would ever be appreciated more by any modern day Republican you have the misfortune to know! What better way for them to cherish the proud right wing heritage of hanging black people from trees! Now, what would I give to a non-Republican? Well, I’d love to have Paul Ryan’s and Mitch McConnell’s Social Security numbers to give to everybody. Russia, if your listening… Don’t worry about their SS numbers being in the public domain. Both men, not to mention their wormy followers, don’t believe in Social Security and have publicly made it clear that they want to do away with it. Imagine what a wonderful world it would be if you could collect not just your Social Security check but theirs too!
DownWithTyranny’s Annual List Of Great Gift Ideas For Republicans!
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-by Noah For anyone new to DWT, every year at this time, I put together a list of things that I think you might want to consider giving that crazy Republican uncle or totally demented Trumpie neighbor for the holidays. Be careful wishing them Merry Christmas, though. That might shatter their world view. I’ll dispense with the usual sheet and hood ensembles that most Republicans already have. Instead, I’ll suggest things they can use every day, not just a few nights a month or on weekends. For an ever-growing number of Republicans, it appears that ankle bracelets will be quite the thing this year. What else? Maybe a new Keurig coffee maker to replace the one they smashed when Keurig had to tell Sean Hannity that pedophilia is wrong even for FOX’s devout Republican and “Christian” viewers? Those are obvious choices. And, remember, if you are sending a gift bottle of scotch directly to Judge Roy Moore or any Alabama Republicans, make sure it is aged no more than 12 to 15 years. But what else, well, without further ado, here are my suggestions for this year. First, some things I’d like to be able to give Republicans if only someone would make them, things Trumpies badly need and would greatly appreciate, even if they come from one of us damn “libruls” or “libtards” as they like to call us.
1. A matching set of bright, prison-orange “Make America Great Again” straitjackets
and “Make America Great Again” Depends. This would be the perfect gift for the
typical FOX “News” viewer and could be packed with bottles of orange-colored
sedatives. 2. The LEGO “Build Your Own Wall” kit! Total assembly required. If repugs really
want to build a wall, they can build it themselves!
3. A limited, leather-bound (source of leather unknown) gold-filigree edition of
Adolf Hitler’s greatest speeches with a forward signed by both Trump and Mike
Pence. What better way for that wacko in your life to connect with their hero(s)
than to have a copy of a book that ex-wife Marla Maples said Trump keeps by his
bedside. 4. The led usb customizable mass shooting incident t-shirt! Shown below, this
t-shirt features a small area and USB connection that enables you to just hook it
up to your computer and fill in the site of the latest gun-induced mass murder.
Actual thoughts and prayers sold separately!
5. Ivanka Trump’s “House Arrest” ankle accessories. Handcuffs also available. See
above.
6. A 1/43 scale model of Judge Roy Moore’s campaign truck, customizable with the
name of any candidate! What Republican wouldn’t want one of these as a symbol
of the Trump era? Note: The Anthony Weiner version is no longer available due
to the lack of his party’s support and his jail sentence.
And now for some nifty items that you really can buy
1. The American Family Association’s “Burning Cross”-
Why mess with flammables when you can achieve the same effect electronically?
Your republican neighbor will absolutely love this and dance around it all night.
Besides, it sure beats that flaming bag of shit you’d rather leave on his (or her)
doorstep! I wonder if it comes in a mini-size for republican car dashboards.
2. Trump Dog Poop Bags- What better way to clean up after a dog at walkies time?
These bags are durable and make picking up doggie’s solid waste fun for the
very first time! Well, not for your lucky republican giftee! Available at amazon like
practically everything else in creation. Why not also buy some for yourself? Not only do you get the satisfaction of
rubbing dogshit on Senor Trumpanzee’s visage, but you might also want to send it
somewhere, say 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. You can even get bags that say “This
Dump’s For Trump”. I suppose it doesn’t really have to be strictly doggie poop. Also, for you? Why not treat yourself to Trump toilet paper or a Trump doormat.
Also at Amazon, of course. 3. The Republican Party’s “American Flag hat! Notice anything odd about the
Republican Party’s version of the American flag? Count the stars; 20 stars in
all. And, only 10 stripes! What does this mean? That the repugs want to take us
back to the Civil War era when there were only 20 states and women and
non-caucasians knew their place? Is this some sort of special red state secession
hat, or has the Republican Party’s distrust and contempt for patriotism and
education resulted in a party of people who have no idea how many states we
really have? Remember, these are the complete morons who say that those who kneel
somehow don’t respect “the flag”. Really? When they don’t even know what
the American flag is supposed to look like? You can ask the NRCC when you order yours, or not. Maybe, I’ll just take a knee in
protest. Available through the National Republican Campaign Committee.
4. And speaking of hats! The Trump Tin Foil MAGA HAT. Available at
many fine locations. You can use “the googles” as George Dubya Bush would
say, but, please consider buying this item locally, in a non-chain store. You can
also make this easily yourself. The personal touch will mean a lot, I’m sure.
5. How about the ultimate in Republican Crackpot book? The Trump Prophecies!
Available from the World Net (Nut) Daily Superstore, this book claims to be “The
Astonishing True Story Of The Man Who Saw Tomorrow… And What He Says Is
Coming Next”! Yeah, whatever. If you’re a glutton for punishment, you can go to
The WND Superstore site and read all about it. Apparently Trump was chosen by
Jesus, or something. Warning: WND’s description of the book is written in their
own, unique form of gibberish, just like everything else you can find at WND. The
“writers” at World Net (Nut) Daily are masters of scrambled syntax, jumbled
thoughts, and other manifestations of delirium and delusion; the stuff you could
expect to hear in the halls of any home for the insane.
Well, that’s more than enough. Frankly, I don’t know why you’d want to give any kind of present to any republican, but, to each his (or her) own. If you’re still stuck for an idea, keep in mind that you can never go wrong with a few Tiki Torches. Also, ammo makes a fine stocking stuffer. Could be very interesting if a spark or two escapes the fireplace. What a special way to say Merry Christmas to a nutter that thinks you’d never say it! Personally, I’m just going to send them Christmas cards that feature a black Santa or a black Jesus, along with a statement that says I’ve given a generous donation in their name to Black Lives Matter. And, coming in time for next Christmas: The Pedophile’s Handbook For How To Run For Office, by Judge Roy Moore; with a very special forward by Donald Trump.
-by Noah It's almost October! That means it's not to early to start buying some holiday gifts (eat it, Repugs, I said 'holiday' not Christmas) for your friends and relatives, even that proverbial crazy Republican uncle who hasn't been committed to an asylum, yet. These fine book suggestions may be just the thing! Expect a bound set soon! Don't delay! "Wait What!" is sure to sell out instantly. With a little luck it will become the new "Tickle Me, Elmo" of this holiday season (eat it again, Repugs).
Some Gift Ideas Of Noah's Christmas Past (Plus Hanukkah Ideas, And Ideas For Trumpf Voters)
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Yes, we even have Hanukkah suggestions -- see Nos. 3 and 4.
by Noah
A couple of weeks ago, I presented this year’s installment of my annual gift suggestions for the holiday season ("The Year Of The Trumpocalypse: Noah’s Annual Holiday Gift Suggestions, For 2016 And Beyond; If There Is a Beyond!"). But why stop there? I always try, dear readers, to find things that might have previously escaped your notice. There have been many fine options presented here in past years, which are still available, until they are banned by fascist decree, that is. Here’s a selection of some of my personal favorites from recent years.
1. "I Kissed a Republican" Gum
This one seems more appropriate than ever this year.
Peppermint flavor, 8 sticks
To the best of my knowledge, I have never kissed a republican. Icy cold lips are not for me. Hell, I’ve just never been that desperate. I won’t even let republicans into my house. I think I’d know if a girl was a secret republican. I have really good republo-radar. It’s not hard to tell. I mean, hey, they dress funny and they like Kenny Loggins records. They think Journey is rock and roll and the “art” of Thomas Kincaid belongs in the Louvre right next to ol’ smilin’ Mona Lisa herself. Some people think Elizabeth Hasselback, or whatever her name is, is a babe. Not me. The “I’m an idiot glow” ruins it for me. Kellyanne Conway? No way. No Truth or Dare for me. Besides, her teeth always look like they are about to fall out. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for that!
I really don’t get those couples where one is a democrat and one is a republican. How is this possible? My wife and I have talked about this. Marry a republican? No way. It’s a matter of human decency. I must confess that I have a couple of relatives that are republicans. Haven’t spoken to any of them in years. Last time I did, nasty comments about Jews were made. Then there’s the one who voted for Bush “because of the babies”; never mind that Dubya killed more babies in their wombs than any President in the last 70 years. He did it with his bombs and his environmental and economic policies.
But I ramble. If you think you are in imminent danger of kissing a republican, you might want to carry some of this gum around to get the taste out of your mouth. Personally, I think I’d have to get my blood changed.
2. The White Castle Candle
The holidays are always a time of great gluttony. The best gluttony. Believe me. America (with the aid of Russia and EXXON) has elected (more or less) an ill-mannered, greedy, gluttonous pigface to beat all and . . . .
Nothin’ says Christmas Love better than a whole bag of White Castle burgers! Vegans be damned. They can have the little packets of ketchup and relish. But what to do when you’ve eaten all those lovely little slabs of cow? You can’t keep that greasy paper bag and wrappings around forever, can you?
If, like me, you regard the smell of White Castle as being right up there with the smell of gasoline or Testors Glue, the solution is as plain as the grease on your face: the White Castle Candle!
Now what I want to know is: Does the same company make a Raccoon Roadkill candle? Do they also make a Staten Island Dump candle? It could come with a sound feature that loudly plays nothing but screaming seagulls. I'd buy dozens and hide them in deserving people's offices.
3. The Menorasaurus
Since Hanukkah starts late this year (December 24th), it's not too late for the next two fine gifts. Well, you won't actually be able to get them in time, but you can give your intended recipient a card that promises delivery for next year. And it's smart to order now, since both these special gifts are made to order, and that takes time. Of course, if you're eyeing the Grav Bong Menorah, you and your stoner friend have time, lots of time.
Available in a variety of other models
First, here’s a unique line of menorahs made by the Vanilla Studio in Portland, ME. Shown is the T-Rex version, Menorasaurus Rex. It also comes in a more placid Brontosaurus version, which would suit any of your vegetarian friends or relatives. It also comes in Triceratops and other dino models. And if you want something more modern, you may go for the hippo or elephant version -- there’s even a turtle one. But for me it’ll have to be the T-Rex. It’s just that I’m a T-Rex kind of guy. However, there was definitely a time when the next item on my list would have been my first choice.
4. The Bong Menorah
The horizontal shape fits easily on your tabletop.
You like your holidays high? If so, this one’s for you. Grav makes scientific glassware -- you know, beakers and such, those things you played with in high school chemistry and teabaggers use to cook the meth they’re obviously smoking.
Fortunately for stoners, Grav also makes a beautiful Bong Menorah. That’s right, it’s a working bong and a menorah! What'll they think of next? For a demonstration, see the clip at the top of this post. Weed not included.
Also, the thing costs $700, so you might want to consider that, after you buy it, you might not have any money left for weed! I guess you’ll just have to stick with using old cardboard paper-towel or toilet-paper rolls with aluminum foil. Whatever works. (I always loved to put weed into spaghetti sauce. It gets stronger by the day, by the way.)
5. The Bathe and Brew (Shower Coffee Maker)
Stands up to even the harshest dandruff shampoos!
What do you like to do first thing when you get up each glorious day? I mean after that. For me, it's take some pills, do some exercises and sit in front of the computer for several hours. How do you think I find these things anyway?
However, for most of you boring people, it’s either grab a cup of coffee or hit the shower. Now, you can do both at the same time! Take your shower while your coffee brews right in front of you! If you’re worried about soap getting in your coffee, please don't -- I'm sure someone somewhere makes a nice coffee-bean soap. You can go through the whole day smelling like a cup o' joe and everyone except Starbucks will love you.
Disclaimer:In reality, you just get the box (or do you?). It’s a wonderful empty gift box, perfectly designed to elicit forced smiles and phony Christmas cheer. You can keep it empty, or fill it with coal or diamonds: your choice. Whatever, it’s the thought that counts. But hey, if you just give them empty, the contents are more real than anything you’re liable to hear from any of your crackpot Fox-viewing relatives at your Christmas dinner table. So give it to them! They’ve already proven that a little imagination goes a very long way.
FINALLY, LOOKING FOR A GIFT FOR TRUMPF
VOTERS YOU KNOW AND HAVEN'T DISOWNED?
Here are two gifts that aren't commercially available (at least until FOX "News" starts up a home-shopping channel) but could be easily assembled in your own private Santa's workshop. I'm sure that neo-nazis next door will appreciate that you went to the trouble of making one of these just for them. Think of the hours of pleasure that any republican would get from either one -- or both!
1. A DVD box aet of "Classic Police Shootings of African-Americans"
This would be perfect for that crazy old uncle on your list who always thought police wielding fire hoses just wasn’t enough.
2. A backyard stand-up barbecue in the shape of a cross
The Spirit Moves Me: My 2015 Holiday Gift Suggestions
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Including Fantasy Gift Ideas For Republicans!
By Noah The ads! The ads! These retailers! It’s worse than the political ads! Then, there’s the usual endless local news coverage of the pillaging, people camping out in the cold just to be the first in the store. The Visigoths were better behaved. I’m already so sick of hearing “It’s that most wonderful time of the year”. I’m so sick of Kay Jewelers ads. "Every 'kiss' begins with Kay?" I’m so sick of hearing the word 'door-buster' and terms like Black Friday and Giving Tuesday, and all the rest. Mayhem Monday is only a matter of time, except that that’s what the whole "shopping season" has become. If you ask me, I’m into Fuck You Thursday followed by Fuck You Friday followed by Fuck You Saturday. You get the drift, and, well, if you don’t… I’m getting in a great mood for the holidays. I long for a long ago time when there were just 12 days of Christmas. Now, it’s 55. It starts with the boom of the last cherry bomb in a pumpkin on Halloween, even sooner on TV shopping channels. It ain’t just a War On Christmas for me. It’s becoming a lifestyle! Fuck you Bill O’Reilly, and that one goes for every day of the year until the end of time and after the next big bang starts it all over again. So, without further ado, I cheerfully present my 2015 gift ideas. 1. The Menorasaurus- Since Hanukkah comes before Christmas, let’s start with a very unique line of menorahs made by TheVanillaStudio in Portland, ME. Shown is the T-Rex version. It also comes in a more placid Brontosaurus version, which would suit any of your vegetarian friends or relatives. It also comes in Triceratops and other dino models. If you want something more modern, you may go for the Hippo or Elephant version. There’s even a turtle version, but, for me, it’ll have to be the T-Rex. It’s just that I’m a T-Rex kind of guy. However, there was definitely a time when the next item on my list would have been my first choice. 2. The Grav Menorah- You like your holidays high? If so, this one’s for you. GRAV makes scientific glassware. You know, beakers and such, those things you played with in high school chemistry and teabaggers use to cook the meth they’re obviously smoking. Fortunately for stoners, GRAV also makes a beautiful Bong Menorah. That’s right. It’s a working bong and a menorah! What will they think of next? For a demonstration, see the clip. Weed not included. Also, the thing costs $700, so, you might want to consider that, after you by it, you might not have any money left for weed! I guess you’ll just have to stick with using old cardboard paper towel or toilet paper rolls with aluminum foil. Whatever works. I always loved to put weed into spaghetti sauce. It gets stronger by the day by the way. Please note that it’s already too late to get your menorah for this holiday season. Both the Menorasaurus and the GRAV Bong Menorah are made to order. That takes time. But, if you’re a stoner, you’ve got time, lots of time. 3. Jingle Bells Shotgun Shells Christmas Lights- Getting ready to decorate your Christmas tree? Then, may I suggest these nifty red and green lights that look just like real shotgun shells! I’ll assume that they are NRA-approved. However, maybe not, since they can’t kill anybody. Warning: Santa’s Reindeer may not want to land on your roof if they know you have anything that even looks like shotgun shells.
4. The Beer Belt/The Beer Bandolier- This one is real extra dumb, for more than one reason. It comes as both a belt and a bandolier style double beer can holster. They even come in camo-patterned fabric. The seller even says they’re great for hunting trips (oh boy drinks and huntin’. What could go wrong?) and make "a great gift for any beer lover or alcoholic in your life," but, I’d like to suggest that you could also buy one for that special someone you’d like to get rid of. In these edgy times, it doesn’t take much imagination to think what a nervous cop might do if he saw someone wearing one of these on a crowded downtown street or getting out of a car at the local mall or sports arena. The bandolier model, especially, just screams suicide bomber. 5. The Drone Disabler- The real name of this fabulous product is the Drone Defender but I prefer to call it by what it actually does. This thing shoots down drones with some sort of electronic pulse or beam. Fantastic! I want one! This is a product whose time has come. On one recent afternoon, I was waiting to cross the street at 62nd and 1st Avenue in New York when I looked up and saw a drone hovering above the intersection. To me, that was all too ridiculous being as there are already 2 or 3 cameras that catch everything that goes on in the immediate area. What was even more ridiculous to me was that no one but me even noticed that there was a drone watching our every move. People are just so unobservant. I guess I was the only one looking up, and there it was. It’s funny, so many people say they see UFOs all the time, but no one notices a drone? Maybe they won’t care until a drone that can provide an anal probe arrives. I don’t know. As I see it, the thing that gives the Drone Disabler so much sales potential is that it looks like a gun, and Americans love guns! If this drone thing keeps up, I can see a world where the streets and yards of America are littered with drone pieces everywhere. Of course, some drones can fire back, so beware. Hmmm. Isn’t this how Terminator started? But wait, there’s more! Finally, I’ve been thinking about some gifts that aren’t readily available, although you could make them yourself for that special Republican you know who "thinks" that the Three Wise Men rode on the backs of dinosaurs to see the baby Jesus. I’m thinking these ideas would be the kind of thing most Republicans would like to find under the tree.
• A DVD box set of Classic Police Shootings Of African-Americans- This would be perfect for that crazy old uncle on your list who always thought police wielding fire hoses just wasn’t enough.
• Ben Carson’s Pantry Pyramids™- Now you can store your grains properly! Feed the multitudes!
• A Voodoo Doll dressed in a Burka Gives hours of playtime satisfaction to wackjobs who watch FOX all day.
• A backyard stand-up barbecue in the shape of a cross- Gas-powered, of course.
If you’d rather not go to the trouble of making any of the above, I suppose you could wait and see if we end up with a President Cruz or President Trumpf. How’s that sound? If that happens, we’re bound to see any of the four above ideas for sale on a new FOX News shopping channel. Buy two of the three and they’ll give you a 50% discount on a home-fracking kit.
Some thoughts not really prompted by the occasion(s) but possibly timely with Mother's Day and then Father's Day coming up
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by Ken
Let's say that somebody read you the genuinely lovely description E. L. Doctorow provides for the mother of Daniel, which is to say his fictionalized version of Ethel Rosenberg, from The Book of Daniel and invited you to write in response, in 25 minutes -- responding any way you're moved to.
I wasn't really thinking about the imminence of Mother's Day and then Father's Day when I did my responding, but I suppose you could make this up into card form for the occasions.
Better Luck Next Time
Nobody tells you, when you're a kid, that your parents don't know what the fuck they're doing.
First-time parents, of course, are pulling it all out of their butts, whereas parents who've had kids before you came along may be better at pretending they know, having already been through the process of piecing some strategy together, from the usual lousy sources -- from their own parents, and from certified "experts" in books and magazines and on radio and TV and now online, and from (God help us) their own crack-brained instincts. If they've done it before, they may think they're experts, or they may be resolved to learn from their mistakes and get it right this time. Either way, there was no proper training, as there would be for a postal worker or a cab driver or a nuclear physicist. I mean, they don't let just anyone off the street who happens to have working reproductive organs play with nuclear-fissionable materials.
But there they are, our parents, and kids figure they must know what they're doing, or they wouldn't have been allowed to have kids, would they? Oh, there are kids who work it out that their parents are incomopetent, the worst parents in the world, but I don't know that they're any likelier to be correct than the kids who assume their parents are the best in the world. After all, both kinds of kids are getting their basic information about the universe from that same suspect source -- their parents.
And, unfortunately, there are no do-overs in the parenting process. No matter how the parents in question may feel about the job they've done, once the job is done, it's done. Isn't this what makes psychotherapy such a booming business? Not to mention the criminal-justice and penal systems?
In theory love is supposed to make up for shortcomings elsewhere in the parental arsenal, and certainly lack of love is no help. But we all know plenty of cases -- from the experiences of other people if not our own -- where what passes for love does more damage than those nuclear-fissionable materials in untrained hands. Or maybe even in trained hands, come to think of it.
Maybe the wonder is that we don't come out of the process in even worse shape.
Eventually it's possible to look back at the whole mess with a bit of compassion and see that they were doing their best under near-impossible conditions, that they meant well. And that every now and then, contrary to what we thought at the time, they were actually right aboout some stuff.
Take my mother. Please. Sorry, old joke. Bad old joke.
My mother would never have any truck with the notion that what a person does for a living is something he should enjoy. (And since she had only sons, it would always be "he.") She knew in her bones that work is something you do just to, you know, make a living -- so you could have a home, a family, stuff to eat. Naturally, the more she insisted on this, the more that someone, like a hypothetical son of hers, for example, would insist that this couldn't be right, that of course a person should be striving to find a way to make a living which is at the same time personally satisfying and fulfilling. And that hypothetical son might look around him and see people doing just that.
Now, that hypothetical son may never lose his admiration for, even envy of, those fortunate souls. Eventually, however, he may come to realize that he would have been a whole lot better off if he'd never developed the cock-eyed expectation of enjoying what he does for a living.
Oh well, so it goes. Alas, the "no do-overs" rule applies to life generally. Better luck next time.
Santa's had his crack at facilitating the kiddies -- why not give Satan a shot?
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You might think that the Prince of Darkness has more important things than answer foolish letters from childen, but apparently not.
"[I]f you really want a job that allows you to make a great deal of money in a fast and unethical way (a rather admirable goal in my opinion), you can go ahead and send me your résumé. I have a number of very close friends at Goldman Sachs."
-- from Satan's reply to a letter from David, who says he wants a computer "so I can do better in school and get a good job and make lots and lots of money"
by Ken
Now this is an idea. Goodness knows Santa has had the Christmas business pretty much to himself for a long time, and as between "Santa" and "Satan" there's only that slight difference in the arrangement of this tiny handful of letters, and it's an open question which can be thought the truer embodiment of the Christmas spirit.
The kind of confusion this can entail is reflected in the introductory note to the "Children's Holiday Letters to Satan" gathered by Matt Passet in his recent newyorker.com "Daily Shout" piece:
Each year, due mostly to minor misspellings and very poor penmanship, hundreds of children’s letters are sent to Satan, Dark Lord of the Underworld. Always in the market for the souls of innocents, Satan will often take the time to respond.
One obvious difference, if the letters Matt has selected are anything to go by, is that Satan doesn't feel automatically bound by the spirit of commercialism. By which I mean that he doesn't appear bound by any need to put the message "Buy! Buy! Buy!" at the top of his advice-giving principles. Here, for example, is his full reply to David, who you'll recall from above wanted a computer in order to "do better in school and get a good job and make lots and lots of money."
Dear David,
First of all, bravo for not telling me your age. You have no idea how many people are concluding their letters with this random of piece if information. It’s like, “All Best, Satan, Shoe Size 9 ½” or “Regards, Satan, 185 lbs. (190 around the holidays!).”
But, anyway, on to your letter. Being the embodiment of pure evil, I will not get you this computer. I’m not Mark Zuckerberg. (Or am I? Kidding, I’m not.) But if you really want a job that allows you to make a great deal of money in a fast and unethical way (a rather admirable goal in my opinion), you can go ahead and send me your résumé. I have a number of very close friends at Goldman Sachs.
Regards,
Satan, 5′ 10″ (LOL)
This petulance of Satan's about the kiddies insistence on telling him their age and other grubby details about their personal existence shows up in a number of the letters. As for example:
Dear Satan,
What I really want this year more than anything is a Barbie Dream House. It’s pretty and pink and I will keep it in my room near my bed!
Merry Christmas,
Allison, Age 6
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Allison,
It really should go without saying, but I will not be getting you this so-called dream house because I, of course, do not want to. But I will suggest this: buy it yourself. Simply take two or three dollars from your mom or dad’s wallet each day (adults never know the exact amount they have) and soon enough you’ll have your useless and silly miniature house. (Although, really, it’s Barbie’s body you should be working to attain.)
Why you and so many others feel the need to tell me your age is something that will forever baffle me.
Regards,
Satan, Infinite
The obviously busy Lord of the Underworld sometimes needs just a single word to deal with a request, as with this letter from "Molly, Age 4":
Dear Satan,
All I want for Christmas is world peace!
Molly, Age 4
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Dear Molly,
No.
-- S
You can't get much more concise than that, can you? I'm guessing that Santa would go on for multiple paragraphs and in the end not come any closer to delivering on Molly's hoped-for world peace.
'Tis the season for regifting: Presenting a cautionary tale
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by Ken
My goodness, can it really be coming up on 19 years since the classic Seinfeld "regifting" episode first aired? You can find the script for "The Label Maker" here, on the SeinfeldScripts website.
Again, the script of "The Label Maker" can be found here.
I don't know that Mssrs Berg and Schaffer, who wrote the script for "The Label Maker" (Season 6, Episode 11), invented the term "regifting," but I'm pretty sure I'd never heard it before, and even Widipedia acknowledges, "The term was popularized by an episode of the NBC sitcom Seinfeld ('The Label Maker')," but feels obliged to add that "the practice pre-dates the term substantially" (with three footnotes). Well, of course the practice is older. I'm guessing that people have been re-gifting almost as long as they've been gifting.
The first recorded regifter, however, was that snooty, sly, occasionally treacherous dentist Tim Whatley. (I see from IMDb that "The Label Maker" was the second of the five Seinfeld episodes in which Tim Whatley appeared.) Which reminds us too that before Bryan Cranston was Breaking Bad's villainous Walter White, before even he was Hal, the hirsute father of Malcolm in the Middle, he was the ur-regifter, so called by Elaine when she is outraged to find that he has regifted the label-maker that she gave him to Jerry.
Elaine confronts the ur-regifter, shifty dentist Tim Whatley.
(Note all that hair on Bryan Cranston's head in 1995.)
ALL OF WHICH IS BROUGHT TO MIND . . .
. . . by Food Network Magazine Editor in Chief Maile Carpenter's "Editor's Letter" in the December holiday issue. "While we were putting together a story for this issue about fun ways to wrap up wine (page 47)," she writes, "I was relieved to learn that my compulsion to regift wine is totally normal: According to one survey, 69 percent of us have regifted a bottle in the past, and I'm as guilty as anyone."
Now I don't know who exactly was included in this survey. It must have targeted some very different demographic from mine, one where the gifting of wine is common enough, not to mention the parties at which such gifting apparently most often occurs, to give rise to all that regifting of the stuff. Nevertheless, Maile has a swell story to share, which I think we might elevate to the status of a "regifting cautionary tale."
I live in fear, particularly at this time of year, that I'm going to hand a bottle right back to the person who gave it to me.
I almost got caught last December. In a mad rush to get to a party, I scanned our wine fridge [Um, "our wine fridge"? Let me just check what I've got in my wine fridge -- Ed.] and grabbed a Brunello that a friend had given me a few years ago. In the cab, I noticed that the friend had signed the back of the bottle -- with a Sharpie. Smart idea: If we would all just start writing personal notes on the bottles we give, we could end wine regifting for all time. That night I was forced to carry the Brunello around in my purse (fair punishment), then bring it back home and do what the original giver intended: Drink it.
Ah, well, so the regifting close shave had a happy ending!
If you're still thinking about that wine fridge (I know I am; I wonder if there's been a survey to find out what percentage of Food Network Magazine readers have wine fridges), Maile has more to share.
I have to hand it to my husband. He never regifts his wine. He gets so many nice bottles from friends in the restaurant business, and while I sit there Googling the price of them and thinking about how many points we'd score if we brought them to the school auction, Wylie just thinks about which one we should try next. He'll break open a $30 bottle of rosé to drink with Thai takeout, and he'll dust off something he's been saving for 20 years just because my parents are over for dinner. The holidays with him are even better -- the good stuff flows nonstop.
I aspire to be that relaxed about fancy wine someday. The only time I came close was by accident, when I opened a bottle of white to share with my mom and sister one Sunday afternoon. For some reason, Wylie hadn't put this bottle in the special DO-NOT-DRINK area of the fridge, and as a result, we polished off $250 worth of white burgundy while we were sitting around doing a ballerina puzzle with the kids. The wine was delicious, but had I known, I'd have opened one of my favorite $12 bottles and wrapped up the $250 one for my boss -- with a message in Sharpie on the back: "Happy Holidays. This is yours to keep."
"So let’s hear it," says New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff in this week's e-newsletter/blogpost, "for mothers of all types and all stripes --biological, surrogate, adoptive, single, small, tall, medium-sized, tiger, helicopter. And, hey, if you've got two, that's fine by us, too." And he offers us "a bouquet of mothering cartoons, because we care."
To one of these cartoons Bob adds the note: "If you’ve got complaints about Mom, please show some restraint, because, remember, it could have been worse." It occurs to me that it may not be entirely obvious which one it is.
HAPPY MOTHER'S [or MOTHERS'] DAY TO ALL!
To all moms, of course. But we're also thinking good thoughts for anyone who's ever had one.
For some reason National Train Day wasn't marked on my desk calendar. So I'm a little late in making my holiday preparations. I assume everyone else has already figured out which celebrations and which parties to attend. It's going to be locomotive madness.
National Train Day is a holiday started by Amtrak in 2008 as a method to spread information to the general public about the advantages of rail travel and the history of trains in the United States. It is held each year on the Saturday closest to May 10, the anniversary of the pounding of the Golden Spike in Promontory, Utah which marked the completion of the first transcontinental railroad. Events are held at Amtrak stations as well as railroad museums across the country and often have passenger cars and model railroad layouts on display. The largest events usually take place in Washington, D.C., Philadelphia, PA, Chicago, IL, and Los Angeles, CA.
Hmm, well, that doesn't sound quite as festive or auspicious as I was imagining -- Amtrak tying to blow its own train horn, as it were. Even Amtrak itself doesn't seem all that fired up about the event. It's most festive offering appears to be a program called "Save 30% on a Companion Fare to Select National Train Day Destinations." This doesn't sound like absolutely the worst deal you've ever heard of, provided one or more of the destinations fits your National Train Day plans. Here's the list.
Hmm. Those are pretty much the places you would have chosen, aren't they?
Okay, that isn't the entire deal from Amtrak.
In addition to the cities above, the 7th annual nation-wide celebration of all things train features exciting events across the country in big cities, small towns and your hometown. This free day of family-friendly fun will arrive before you know it, so make your travel plans today.
Attractions such as interactive exhibits, excursion trains, elaborate model train displays, Amtrak K-9 units and kids' activities vary among National Train Day destinations.
Use our search tool to locate events happening in a town near you. If there are no events in your area, register to host your own! [I guess it's kind of late to pursue the host-your-own-event option. My bad. -- Ed.] And don’t forget to explore our infographics to learn more about why trains matter to us all. Enter the National Train Day Sweepstakes for a chance to win an Amtrak Vacations Family Adventures Package for a family of four and more! [I'm not sure what the deadline for entering is, or was, but I'm afraid it might be kinda late for this one too. -- Ed.]
Here in the Big Apple, the New York Transit Museum has a healthy case of National Train Day fever.
To celebrate, the Transit Museum stores are offering a one-day special 10% discount on all toy and model trains, including subway train cars, Lionel, Thomas, Chuggington, and other products. Members will get an additional 10% off! This discount is valid on Saturday, May 10, 2014 in both Transit Museum stores and in our online store. Brooklyn store hours are 11am-5pm; the Gallery Annex and Store at Grand Central Terminal is open 10am-6pm.
GCT Centennial Edition Lionel Train
Be sure to share with other DWT readers how you're celebrating National Train Day.
UPDATE: WE'VE GOT A TRAINERIFIC COMMENT
It's a really dead-on meditation on the state of trains in present-day America, beyond anything such a humble post as this merited. Check it out!
