Tuesday, December 06, 2016

The Year Of The Trumpocalypse: Noah’s Annual Holiday Gift Suggestions, For 2016 And Beyond; If There Is a Beyond!


-by Noah

Black Friday was extra black this year. Orange is the new black. But look at it this way: If you’re like me, you can treat the installation of the 10 year old going on 70 year old ill-tempered, ill-mannered, immature, mentally ill man-child as President-Apprentice as a chance to save some money; money you will need when Herr Trumpf creates a Bush depression on steroids and who knows what else. Follow my lead. I would never even think of giving a gift to any Trump supporter, unless it was a coupon for a visit to Dr. Kevorkian, or a January barrel ride over Niagara Falls.

I’ve survived Blackest Friday and I hope you have too. The thing to do now is to both plan for recovery and live for the moment, those precious, precious moments. Mayhem Monday is on the way so, here are some holiday gift ideas that you can get for that special friend or loved-one to help ease the trepidation.

Number One: The Inflatable Irish Pub!

FoodandWine.com offers an enhanced version of the alcohol solution to the Trumpocalypse. Set this up in your backyard (you can rent or buy) and invite your friends over. Call it your Get Bombed Shelter. Don’t worry. The neighborhood Trumpies won’t crash your party. They’re too busy making tinfoil hats, watching Alex Jones, and cooking meth.

Number Two: Atomteller Wall Plates For The Nuclear Family!

What better way to celebrate Trumpian complete deregulation of your local nuclear power plant! You can gaze at these and amaze your friends with this startling collection as Trump calls his buddy Putin for tips on how to deal with a Chernobyl-style disaster right here in the good old U.S.A. It’s not just the economy or Trump’s fragile mind that will be in imminent danger of complete meltdown. Imagine eating a romantic dinner, lit not by the old, clichéd candlelight but food that actually, thanks to Trump, glows in the dark and cooks itself! Sure the plates depict a German nuke plant, but, isn’t that somehow fitting?

Number Three: The Trump Voodoo Doll!

Remember several years ago when parents were freaking out trying to get that stupid Tickle Me Elmo Doll or whatever it was. Places like Toys-“R”-Us couldn’t keep them in stock as frantic parents verbally and physically abused store employees who had to break the news that there were no Elmos to be had in their store at any price. Opportunists who managed to score an Elmo they didn’t want got four digit “private sale” prices, obviously breaking the insane-o-meter. On the bright side, a Denver police charity sold one for $7100. If only we could make these Trump Voodoo Dolls every bit as popular as Elmo was that year! We may be on our way. Sales are brisk!

Imagine a country of 70 million Hillary voters, plus their offspring sticking pins into these babies every hour of the day. That’s a lot of psychic negative energy going to the right place, going for the greater good! If we could use social media to have us all simultaneously stick those pins, Trump would have to feel it, wouldn’t he? Sure, he’d try to outlaw the dolls but, too late. And, don’t worry, if the stores run out, voodoo dolls are easy to make. Trust me. I do it all the time! It’s very cathartic.

Number Four: The Selfie Toaster!

Really. This stuff is hard to make up. It’s real. Believe me. Yes. You can now take a picture of yourself and put it on your toast. A few years ago, I wrote about the Jesus toaster and, before that, the Grilled Cheesus (also available on amazon), but, now, we are truly in the ultimate time of me, me, me. I know Herr Trump has to have at least one of these, even if he doesn’t know how to operate it. Hell, he can just have his wife Melanoma make his toast, after she figures out how to boil water. I can see the Trumpanzee demanding toast (exclusively white bread, of course) with his visage on it. For best effect, he can add a nice, thin layer of orange marmalade.

I bet Trump would customize his in gold filigree, with a vocal option that constantly tells him he’s the best.

Now, hmmm, what would Anthony Weiner do with a selfie toaster? Imagine if he ran a little coffee shop. “Hi, coffee, extra cream, dry white toast, please.”

Are you sick of the whole idea of selfies? I know I am and it’s only a matter of time until you are as well. Here in New York, we are infested by khaki-wearing touristas at this most wonderful time of year. Many of them are taking selfies in front of their new shrine- The Trump Tower. It’s so bad, I’m finding it hard to walk down the street without having to do the limbo under some glazed-eyed yahoo’s selfie stick? Do you have thoughts about what you would like to do with that selfie stick? Hey, tourista, you look like you are in need of a special colonoscopy. So, on to...

Number Five: The Selfie Drone!

I bet that they sell these on Youporn, not that I would know for sure. But... maybe I should check? This drone, known as the AirSelfie also fits in the palm of your hand but it only holds a charge for a paltry 3 minutes.

Man, if I still worked in the corporate world, I would buy dozens of these. They are small and hardly noticeable. I’d set them up and maneuver them down the halls into the offices of those fellow employees that had a record of uselessness or, as is often the case, worse. Let’s get cinematic proof! Let’s get film at 11:00 of them sleeping, snorting coke, playing computer solitaire or otherwise pleasuring themselves on the company dime.

You could even go to Congress and launch them from the gallery! You might just catch goofy old Senator McCain playing poker on his phone again.

Number Six: Jim Bakker’s Survival Food Buckets!

Somewhere along the Republican straight line to complete insanity, televangelist Jim Bakker decided to be God’s own version of Col. Sanders, except that, instead of fried chicken, he’s selling his freeze-dried “Survival Food” literally by the bucketful. Why? Because God-- aka, the voices he hears in his head-- tells him that “things are coming.”

In the past year alone, Bakker has urged that you buy his giant buckets o’ food because, for one thing, WW3 is on the way! He has also been pitching them because America is descending into cannibalism, and, the Zika virus, which, according to Bakker and like-minded wackos, is predicted in the Book Of Revelations. Bakker also wants you to buy his buckets because politicians (not mentioning any names) are letting in terrorists!

But now, as of the November election, Bakker wants his followers to start filling their homes up with his buckets due to the coming Anti-Trump riots!
We are in the last days. If you want to be safe and there’s rioting in your street, what are you going to do? Is your mom going to walk down through where they’re burning and killing and all?
Bakker’s wacky co-asylum escapee, Sash Volz says she knows people who live in areas where, due to anti-Trump riots, it isn’t safe to “go outside.” The sky is falling indeed! It seems these riots will be so bad that food supplies will disappear, so you better be prepared. Hell, it appears that in what little is left of Bakker’s mind, these riots will be the long wished for end times, and who wants to be raptured on an empty tummy!

Jim Bakker has a thousand reasons why you should be buying his feedbags, er, buckets. And, he even suggests that you can decorate your living room (or bomb shelter) with these colorful buckets! Trump may be the Huckster-In-Chief but Jim Bakker has been selling snake oil for decades. Not to worry if Bakker runs out. Alex Jones, over at Info Wars sells similar things, for similar “reasons.” Maybe us normal people ought to by them, too. This “Civil” War might last forever. Oh, the irony!

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At 7:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And yet, the 'fearsome' Democrats will stop him! Oh, sorry, it looks like they won't try at all, and in fact actually will likely give him a hand in destroying everything. Here is Nancy to confirm that:


At 8:30 PM, Anonymous ap215 said...

Sure Nancy Sure. (Rolls Eyes)

At 12:51 AM, Anonymous Michael Simmons said...

Brilliant Noah! (He sez as he guides the razor across his wrists.) The wittiest response to The Trump Chumps yet! (Where ARE those barbiturates I stored away?) I eagerly await your next installment! (I read small type better when I'm dead.)


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