A Twisted, Unrecognizable Christianity-- The Newest Testament: Fake News

Evolution by Nancy Ohanian

Yesterday, after noting the alternative constitution that MoscowMitch seems to be using, I saw a post from John Pavlovitz about the Newest Testament: Excerpts from The MAGA Bible, like McConnell's alternative constitution, discovered in Louisville, Kentucky. I recommend reading the whole thing at his website, but here are some noteworthy excerpts. Forget the Luke, Mark, Matthew and Juan... these are the Gospels of Don. It is being handed out at Straight Pride parades.

Let's begin with the MAGA Commandments:

Hear the MAGA Commandments:

• You shall grab women by the genitalia.

• You shall declare countries with brown people, shitholes.

• You shall declare protesting black NFL players, sons of bitches.

• You shall declare undocumented Mexicans, rapists.

• You shall declare Muslim politicians, terrorist sympathizers.

• You shall call real news, fake-- and Fox News, real.

• You shall ignore every white
• mass shooter (which is almost all of them.)
• You shall not see women as equals-- even if you are a woman.

• You shall dehumanize immigrants coming from the South (not the good, European kind.)

• You shall ignore Science, and instead use Donald Trump tweets to determine weather patterns.

• You shall bow down, not to a Golden Calf-- but to an Orange Jackass.

There's lots more where that came from. A few samples:

2 Republicans, Chapter 1, verse 1:


In the Beginning, Don created fake news.


On the first day he manufactured emergencies, demonized Muslims, attacked the Free Press, praised Putin, ranted about Obama, spewed racists epithets, and screamed at windmills.
The other six days he played golf and tweeted out abject nonsense, littered with factual errors, grammar abominations and spelling errors.

2 Republicans, Chapter 1, Verse 11-13:

“White Jesus declared, ‘You will call yourself ‘pro-life.’ In doing so, you will be able to ignore death to migrants, Muslims, people of color, LGBTQ human beings, the poor and sick, mass shooting victims-- and the planet itself. Life beyond embryos you force women to carry to term-- is not actually life.”

2 Republicans, Chapter 5, verse 6:

“Faith is the evidence of things unseen-- like Donald Trump’s Christianity. Despite never uttering a word or doing a thing resembling Jesus of Nazareth, your simple and steadfast declaration of his faith in Christ will be enough to convince easily suggestible believers. Repeat the lie until it becomes the truth."

The Gospel According to Don, Chapter 7, verse 10:


“In Gun You Trust: God is small and impotent and cannot protect you. You need to be packin’ heat at the grocery store, the little league game, and at church services-- because the almighty and omnipotent maker of all things, needs backup from a perpetually-petrified “good guy with a gun, supremacist delusions, and a jittery disposition.”

The Gospel According to Don, Chapter 9, verse 3:

“And white Jesus said. ‘Love your neighbor as yourself-- providing of course, your neighbor is white, was born in America, and votes Republican. Otherwise, screw your neighbor, pad your 401K-- and make America great. Thus sayeth the straight white, Republican LORD.”