Señor Trumpanzee Goes To Houston Selling New Hats

-by Noah

When Señor Trumpanzee dropped in on Texas earlier this week, it was nothing more than a contrived photo-op, cooked up by his handlers back in his Washington KKK headquarters. OK. I just lied. It wasn't "nothing more." I admit it. Unlike the president, I will freely admit when I lie! I should also have said that it was about Trump selling his new line of hats. There they were, the president and the first "lady," wearing, respectively a USA-45 hat (First a white one, and then, after a quick costume change, a red one. Gotta show both of them, eh?), and then, Queen Melanoma wearing one that said FLOTUS, when it should have said WHORE.

Suffice to say, the trip wasn't about the victims of the horrendous storm catastrophe, it was all about Trump, but, with Señor Trumpanzee, it's always about Señor Trumpanzee. Our fraud of a president didn't even bother to meet or talk with any of the victims. Gee, it might have had to hug one... awkward! Even when Trump leaves his tower, his demented mind never leaves his tower. There he was, doing his best to keep his tiny feet dry. All he could muster was "What a turnout. What a crowd!" Yep. They all came to see him. He didn't come to see them.

The hats are, of course, available at his Trump website for $40, plus shipping. Gotta make more money for the campaign fund/family treasury you know. If, for some insane reason, you actually do want one of the hats, Walmart and other retailers are offering knockoffs of the same things for a much, much lower $9.99. I guess, if you're a farmer, the hats will dress up your scarecrow nicely, or, if you have kids who want to be really obnoxious this halloween, a Trumpanzee hat is just the thing! Watch it though, if your kid wears that hat, they'll start getting thoughts about stealing all the candy from the other neighborhood children and blowing up pumpkins with nukes.

If he is going to use a hurricane as an opportunity to sell hats, could it at least be a rain hat?
- Richard W. Painter, Vice Chairman of Citizens For Corporate Responsibility And Ethics (And Republican on the outs)

At the same time Trump was feigning concern about Houston's flood victims, thousands of celebrity and sports world elites were swinging into action. Miley Cyrus instantly donated $500,000. NFL football player J.J. Watt who has, as of this writing, raised over $10 Million including some of his own money, through Walmart. Major league players are individually donating small fortunes. They make a lot of money but none of them have anything remotely near the 10 billion dollars in the bank that Trump claims he has. The Tampa Bay Rays donated the proceeds of a game with the Houston Astros. The Kardashian family is contributing $500,000. Leonardo DiCaprio is down for $1 Million. Lots of those dreaded Hollywood, bleeding heart liberals have opened their hearts and wallets. The New York Giants have donated $1 Million. Even Trump pal Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots came up with a million bucks. It almost seems that just about any entity outside of ISIS began raising and/or donating funds well before the last raindrops fell. But what about the Trumps? Is it just a case of "They'll sell you a hat" and that's it? Well, for a while that appeared to be the case, but on Thursday afternoon, the White House announced that the president would be contributing $1 Million of his own money towards the recovery. Will that come to pass? Let's take a look.

Given Trump's past actions regarding donations, we shouldn't be in a rush to applaud the move. Remember that he recently donated part of his salary, perhaps $100,000, to the Department of Education shortly after he removed a billion or so from the department's budget. He's done similar things with the National Park Service and let's not forget his colluding with his son to syphon off funds from a kids cancer charity or the vast number of stories of him reneging on his contracts with vendors. Is the con on again?

Most pertinent to this story is that while Trump claims to have donated millions of dollars to various causes before, so much of that money has come from his Donald J. Trump Foundation, a foundation built on the financial contributions of others. So, how is such a practice "giving personal money?" Then, there is the amount. Yes, $1 million is a lot of money, and every bit helps, but, just to offer a serious nitpick here, if you have a personal fortune of $10,000,000,000, $1 million is, by my math, an amount equal to one one-hundredth of one percent of ten billion. To put it another way, it's like someone who has $1Million writing a check for $100. Kudos to you Donald J. Trump, it was the least you could do. OK. I'll be fair. Nothing at all was the least he could do.

Then there's the issue of where Trump's $1 Million will actually go. Will it pass through a foundation or charity that he controls before it goes elsewhere? It's not like that isn't how it's been done previously. Even if the donation is legit, don't be surprised if it ends up going as an investment in a new Gulf Coast Trump hotel, casino, or something similar, with his name in large block gold letters. Like I said, history shows, when it comes to the Trumpanzee, it's always about the Trumpanzee. Maybe, the money will end up going for a portrait of The Donald, paid for with the money of donors to his foundation. I can see the portrait hanging in a future Houston Flood Museum, named after Donald J. Trump, of course.