Santa's had his crack at facilitating the kiddies -- why not give Satan a shot?

You might think that the Prince of Darkness has more important things than answer foolish letters from childen, but apparently not.

"[I]f you really want a job that allows you to make a great deal of money in a fast and unethical way (a rather admirable goal in my opinion), you can go ahead and send me your résumé. I have a number of very close friends at Goldman Sachs."

-- from Satan's reply to a letter from David, who says he wants a computer "so I can do better in school and get a good job and make lots and lots of money"

by Ken

Now this is an idea. Goodness knows Santa has had the Christmas business pretty much to himself for a long time, and as between "Santa" and "Satan" there's only that slight difference in the arrangement of this tiny handful of letters, and it's an open question which can be thought the truer embodiment of the Christmas spirit.

The kind of confusion this can entail is reflected in the introductory note to the "Children's Holiday Letters to Satan" gathered by Matt Passet in his recent newyorker.com "Daily Shout" piece:

Each year, due mostly to minor misspellings and very poor penmanship, hundreds of children’s letters are sent to Satan, Dark Lord of the Underworld. Always in the market for the souls of innocents, Satan will often take the time to respond.

One obvious difference, if the letters Matt has selected are anything to go by, is that Satan doesn't feel automatically bound by the spirit of commercialism. By which I mean that he doesn't appear bound by any need to put the message "Buy! Buy! Buy!" at the top of his advice-giving principles. Here, for example, is his full reply to David, who you'll recall from above wanted a computer in order to "do better in school and get a good job and make lots and lots of money."

Dear David,

First of all, bravo for not telling me your age. You have no idea how many people are concluding their letters with this random of piece if information. It’s like, “All Best, Satan, Shoe Size 9 ½” or “Regards, Satan, 185 lbs. (190 around the holidays!).”

But, anyway, on to your letter. Being the embodiment of pure evil, I will not get you this computer. I’m not Mark Zuckerberg. (Or am I? Kidding, I’m not.) But if you really want a job that allows you to make a great deal of money in a fast and unethical way (a rather admirable goal in my opinion), you can go ahead and send me your résumé. I have a number of very close friends at Goldman Sachs.

Regards,

Satan, 5′ 10″ (LOL)

This petulance of Satan's about the kiddies insistence on telling him their age and other grubby details about their personal existence shows up in a number of the letters. As for example:

Dear Satan,

What I really want this year more than anything is a Barbie Dream House. It’s pretty and pink and I will keep it in my room near my bed!

Merry Christmas,

Allison, Age 6

•

Allison,

It really should go without saying, but I will not be getting you this so-called dream house because I, of course, do not want to. But I will suggest this: buy it yourself. Simply take two or three dollars from your mom or dad’s wallet each day (adults never know the exact amount they have) and soon enough you’ll have your useless and silly miniature house. (Although, really, it’s Barbie’s body you should be working to attain.)

Why you and so many others feel the need to tell me your age is something that will forever baffle me.

Regards,

Satan, Infinite

The obviously busy Lord of the Underworld sometimes needs just a single word to deal with a request, as with this letter from "Molly, Age 4":

Dear Satan,

All I want for Christmas is world peace!

Molly, Age 4

•

Dear Molly,

No.

-- S

You can't get much more concise than that, can you? I'm guessing that Santa would go on for multiple paragraphs and in the end not come any closer to delivering on Molly's hoped-for world peace.

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