Crackpot Utopia: The Year in Republican Crazy, Part 7

• And so it begins: The running of the buffoons
• Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 7: George Will has no idea what rape is
• Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 8: Rick Wiles calls for a coup

2016 GOP Buffoon No. 1 steps forward: He-e-ere's Booby!

Crackpot Utopia: A dream world as envisioned by republicans; a manifestation or expression of the deranged, warped alternate universe inhabited by republicans, at least in their minds. See also: Bachmannism, Boehneresque.

by Noah

1. And so it begins: The running of the buffoons

The media will call it the Extended Republican Primary Season, the period where all sorts of weirdos and wackos come out of the woodwork of American society and begin vying for the republican nomination for president. This is the freak show that leads up to the November 2016 election.

Already, at the end of 2014, one buffoon is stepping forward! It's Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, and, he's even starting out his campaign just like Texas Gov. Rick Perry did in 2012. Praise God, hallelujah! No, really.

Like Perry in 2012, Jindal is beginning his quest for the White House by headlining the notoriously extremist American Family Association Christ-o-nut hate-fest event called "The Response." If you want to go, the next one will be held at Louisiana State University in January. The AFA has put out a prayer guide for the event that happens to be the same as the one from four years ago when Rick Perry was the headliner. Among other things, the prayer guide blames Hurricane Katrina on abortion and the fact that "Homosexuality has been embraced as an alternative lifestyle." Also to blame are such things as same-sex marriage and Internet porn.

It gets better. When reporters from the New Orleans Times-Picayune questioned the, for lack of a better word, sanity of the American Family Association's prayer guide for the Jindal-headlined event, the AFA removed the prayer guide from their website, then -- wait for it -- put up a new guide that blames 9/11 on homosexuality!

Bobby Jindal is no fringe republican. His state has elected him twice. The national republican party chose him to give its response to President Obama's first State of the Union speech in 2009. To republicans, his extremism is mainstream and normal. Do not make the mistake of thinking that there is such a thing as a sane republican. Those went extinct decades ago.

The problem for these psychos is that they'd rather it be 1692, or any time when witches could still be burned in the public square. The more "liberal" among them might not long to go back quite so far in time. They might want to just settle for pre-1967 England, when the local police could arrest you for so much as looking a bit gay, or the glorious days of the early-20th-century United States, when women could not vote. Some would settle for 1950s pre-Little Rock America. Pleasantville.



So, who will it be this coming primary season? Will we see Rick Santorum doing his Mr. Rogers imitation again? Will he be spouting off about leading an anti-contraception movement one more time? Santorum is not to be taken likely. It's safe to say that had he had any kind of organization geared towards winning the 2012 nomination, he, not the contemptuous Mittens Romney, would have been the candidate proudly put forth by the Crackpot Party. But Santorum couldn't even get it together enough to get his name on the Washington State primary ballot.

Mittens? His titanic overblown ego says yes. His "It's our turn" wife probably still dreams of walking around the White House in a tiara and gown. Many of the cash rustlers like him, But until he can learn to hide his contempt for the un-rich and un-white, along with the rest of the psychopathic characteristics of his makeup, any candidacy of his is doomed to simply not get enough votes from anybody other than a fellow republicans. Besides, all that allegedly laundered Sheldon Adelson casino gangster cash from Las Vegas and from Macao couldn't buy him the White House last time.

Rudy Giuliani? He once spent $50 million to get one delegate, and that delegate was from Florida! Florida -- not surprising. Plus, Rudy is deteriorating mentally at a rapid rate, as evidenced by his recent man-crush on Russian leader Vladimer Putin, who he says is his idea of a great leader  -- much better than President Obama. Then there's Rudy's recent attempts at fanning the flames of racial division and making political hay over the tragic killings of two New York police officers.

Jeb Bush? Another scion of America's biggest crime family? The man who directed the purging of minority voters from the voter registration rolls in his state? He's being cutesy about it, but he's already running. Yeah, brother Neil Bush can find enough cash, laundered and otherwise, and god knows what Karl Rove would get up to, but after Dubya and their dad, if America "elects" another Bush, then America truly does have a death wish. Do we really want to see another era of phony wars, an uptick of terror, a blown economy, and the newest drugs all over our streets?

Allen West? This shining light of the Republican Party says he knows for a fact that up to 81 Democratic members of Congress are members of the Communist Party.



President West? Well, wouldn't that be entertaining! He's even more certifiable than your average republican politician or voter.

Maybe one of the neo-fascist governors of the Midwest like Scott Walker (WI) or Rick Snyder (MI) or John Kasich (OH)? They're all managing to turn their respective states into hellholes of republican governance. Michele Bachmann? Well, she's not doing much now that she's left Washington. Where does Chris Christie fit in? Herman Cain? Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan, who worships at the altar of Ayn Rand and calls rape just another "method of conception"? Now who's satanic?

Media types can't go an hour without mentioning Rafael "Ted" Cruz or Rand "Lester Maddox" Paul. Even Sarah Palin has not ruled herself out. So many folks suffer greatly from delusions of grandeur these days!

Texas moron (yeah, I know that description is the definition of redundant) Rick "Ooops" Perry
now wears glasses, thinking it makes him look more intellectual. Is the republican base dumb enough to fall for that one? Rhetorical question.


It's as easy as one-two-three! Remember, though, that almost-ex-Governor Rick is wearing glasses now, so he could probably make it all the way to three.

Of course, there just may be some other great white misogynist or Grand Wizard wannabe lurking in the weeds. Louie "The Bestiality Guy" Gohmert? Lindsey "We're Running Out of Angry White Guys" Graham? Somebody we haven't even heard of, yet? Maybe Newtie thinks his time has finally come! Oh, joy!

One wonders if the republicans put crazies like West, Bachmann, and Jindal on their stages just to make your average everyday nutter like Rudy Giuliani look relatively sane by comparison. It may be their way of pushing the envelope in what is "acceptable." With that in mind, for the next installment of "Crackpot Utopia," 'm going to offer up some possible republican presidential tickets that would make sense to the majority of those who call themselves republicans. My suggestions are no stranger than what we have seen and what we will continue to see from the republican party as the 2016 race approaches. Keep in mind that every four years republicans get even crazier than before. It is their way.


2. Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 7:
George Will has no idea what rape is

Colleges and universities are being educated by Washington and are finding the experience excruciating. They are learning that when they say campus victimizations are ubiquitous (‘micro-agressions,' often not discernible to the untutored eye, are everywhere), and that when they make victimhood a coveted status that confers privileges, victims proliferate. [Emphasis added.]

OK, Will's verbal excretions are not as buzzwordy as Todd Aiken's "if it's a legitimate rape" or Paul Ryan's "method of conception" comments, but women coveting rape status? One wonders about the women such cretins marry.


3. Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 8: 
Rick Wiles calls for a coup

Wiles is a righty radio host who travels the same American Family Association road I opened up this post with. Among other things, he says that rights for homosexuals have prompted North Korea to threaten nuclear war, and that Columbine and Sandy Hook were perpetrated by government "mind-control assassins." Here's the great mind of Wiles calling for a coup:

I warned in 2008 that Barack Obama's mission is to instigate a second Civil War in America. His regime is deliberately ripping the country apart and if the US Military doesn't take action soon to arrest Barack Obama and remove him and his regime from the White House, there will be no country left for the military to defend. We are on the edge of collapse as a nation. Jesus Christ is America's only hope. Let us pray that Almighty God delivers us from this very real tyranny that seeks to persecute the saints of God.

Man, the Crackpot Utopians sure like to play the victim card and the God card. This assclown has managed to combine the two, along with some really neat paranoia into one little package of republican crazyspeak. Brilliant! May God have mercy on their tortured souls. I wouldn't.


TOMORROW IN PART 8: Things to come: Forward into the Past! (11 Presidential Dream Tickets); Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 9, former republican VP nominee Paul Ryan; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 10, Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association

NOAH'S 2014 IN REVIEW --
Crackpot Utopia: The Year in Republican Crazy

Part 1: Princess Liz Cheney tries for the Smoothie of the Year Award; "Miss Beck regrets" -- Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 1: Glenn Beck; and the Crackpot Party reacts to President Obama’s State of the Union speech [12/19/2014]
Part 2: Republicans wonder why normal people call them racists; Sean Hannity wants to self-deport; and the First Annual Mr. Burns Award, to ABC "shark" Kevin O'Leary [12/20/2014]
Part 3: Using fear, loathing, and paranoia to sell stuff; Arizona legalizes crack!; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 3: Bill O’Reilly [12/21/2014]
Part 4: A celebration of Michele Bachmann: Pray away the crazy?; What "War on Women"?; and the "Obama angle" on Malaysian Flight 370 [12/22/2014]
Part 5: The GOP and the kiss heard 'round the world; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 5: Joe the Plumber [12/23/2014]
Part 6: A word about South Carolina; Pat Robertson and his magic asteroid; and I'll have a pack of Twizzlers and an IUD to go, please [12/24/2014]
Part 7: And so it begins: The running of the buffoons; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 7, George Will has no idea what rape is; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 8, Rick Wiles calls for a coup [12/29/2014]
Part 8: Things to come: Forward into the past! (11 Presidential Dream Tickets); Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 9: Former republican VP nominee Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 10: Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association [12/30/2014]
Part 9: Pompous Blowhard of the Year Award: Bill O’Reilly; FOX "News" announces new spinoff: the "FOX Benghazi™" Shopping Channel!; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 11: DiGiorno Pizza [12/31/2014]
Part 10: Newsmax -- Beyond Drudgery; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominees Nos. 12 and 13: Michele Bachmann, Kimberly Guilfoyle [1/1/2015]
Part 11: GOP and FOX whip up the hate over a POW exchange; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 14: Iowa asylum escapee Rep. Steve King [1/3/2015]
Part 12: Arizona Republican protests busload of YMCA campers; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee(s) No. 15: the Impeachment Variations (group nomination); Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 16: NM Rep. Steve Pearce [1/4/2015]
Part 13 (and last): TV for Dummies: Sarah Palin launches her own channel; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 17: Arizona schools superintendent John Huppenthal (rhymes with Neanderthal); and the final Crazyspeak of the Year nominee -- and also the winner! [1/5/2015]

NOAH'S 2013 IN REVIEW --
A Prayer to the Janitor of Lunacy

For listings and links, see Part 1 of this year's series.

#