DownWithTyranny!: From Arizona to K Street: Profiles in courage, 2014 right-wing-loon-style

"Like rats on a sinking ship"

by Ken

TO BE SERIOUS FOR A MOMENT,

because we're about to descend into the pit of American Cuckoo, maybe the most significant aspect of such recent developments as Arizona's passage of a "Right to Hate the Homos" bill and the coming of openly gay athletes to the NBA and the NFL is the response. In the case of Arizona, the spontaneous outpouring of outrage, not just from across the country but from within the state almost makes a person proud to be an American. And in the case of the latest "integration" of American professional sports, what's great to hear is how many people are asking why it should be a big deal that NBA veteran Jason Collins, having already gone public with his sexual orientation, was signed to a ten-day contract by the Brooklyn Nets, or that all-America University of Missouri defensive end Michael Sam went public ahead of the upcoming NFL draft.

As I write, as you know, the clock is ticking on Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer to make her momentous decision, whether to sign or veto the splendid piece of legislation sponsored by her state's equally splendid legislature authorizing Christians who jes' hate us them goddam homos to refuse to have anything to do with them, including doing any kind of business with them, on the ground that the Bible tells us so.

There doesn't seem to be much doubt that left to her own devices Governor Jan would sign the bill in a heartbeat, and maybe do a little dance in celebration. She's just a hatin' kinda gal. Unfortunately, she has found herself at the center of a shitstorm of panic coming not just from the predictable bleeding-heart-socialist Left but from her very own Rock-Ribbed Right. To quote the head on Zack Ford's ThinkProgress piece: "Conservative Lawmakers And Arizona Businesses Urge Governor To Veto Anti-Gay Bill."

The "lawmakers" in question include not just both of the state's U.S. senators, those flaming liberals Young Johnny McCranky and Jeff Flake and several of its U.S. representatives but a number of Arizona mayors and even a bunch of the state legislators who voted for this splendid piece of legislation. Many of those legislators are apprarently running to succeed Governor Jan (as if so stellar a public servant could be truly replaced!). State Sen. Steve Pierce, for one, professing concern with a possible "negative picture" of the state, now says, "I screwed up. I'm trying to make it right."

Of course it's nothing new for Arizona to stand proud as the Conscience of America's Hatin' Loons. How long, after all, did the state hold out against the federal holiday honoring that goddam troublemaker Martin Luther King Jr.? In the end, of course, Arizona businessmen saw an alarming share of the nation's business that once came to them going to other, less principled states.

February 25, 2014
ARIZONA CONFRONTING AWKWARD REALIZATION THAT GAY PEOPLE HAVE MONEY, BUY STUFF
Posted by ANDY BOROWITZ

PHOENIX (The Borowitz Report) -- The state of Arizona found itself in the middle of a conundrum today as it awoke to the awkward realization that gay people have money and buy stuff.

Just days after the Arizona legislature passed a law that would enable businesses to discriminate against gays, it emerged that gays spend billions of dollars in Arizona each year -- an unexpected development that seemed to take many legislators by surprise.

Carol Foyler, a Tea Party Republican who supported the anti-gay law, said that the startling bombshell that gays play a role in the state's economy put her and her fellow lawmakers "in a tight spot."

"Quite frankly, we were blindsided by this," she said. "We had no idea that gays had money and bought things just like regular people do."

Acknowledging that her vote for the anti-gay law might have been calamitous for the state's economy, Ms. Foyler placed the blame for it squarely on the shoulders of one group: the gays themselves.

"How was I supposed to know what gay people do with their money, etc., when I don't personally know any gay people?" she asked. "I'm sorry, but it was up to the gays to tell us."

Indeed the Arizona business community has been a little quicker on the uptake this time around. ThinkProgress's Zack Ford reports:

The CEOs of the Arizona Chamber of Commerce and Industry, the Greater Phoenix Chamber of Commerce, Greater Phoenix Leadership and the Southern Arizona Leadership Council wrote to Brewer requesting a veto:

After analyzing the bill, we are very concerned about the effect it could have on Arizona's economy. As leaders in the business community, we cannot support measures that could expose our businesses to litigation, nor do we want to send a message that our state is anything but an open and attractive place for visitors and the top talent that will be the cornerstone of our continued economic growth.

If specific Arizona issues related to religious liberty are identified, we would stand ready to work with anyone to ensure that any solution addresses those problems while also ensuring that all individuals feel welcome in our state and that business is not hurt.
According to Kirstin Jarnagin, vice president of the Arizona Lodging and Tourism Assocation, people are already cancelling trips to Arizona because of the negative perception the bill has brought to the state. . . .

Oops! Why, George Takei is talking about leading a national boycott! Can the rest of Starfleet be far behind?

WHAT GOVERNOR JAN COULD DO . . .

Poor Governor Jan! All those people fussin' and hissin' at her to veto the damn bill, jes' 'cause those folks don't know their Bible, and how God and Jesus and everybody demands that the righteous hate them homos.

If she was really cagey, what Governor Jan would do is, yes, veto the damn bill -- but on the ground that it doesn't go far enough! Well-meant as this bill undoubtedly is, it leaves the state open to the charge of singling out the gays and the lesbos for hatin'. Whereas the point is that Arizona is just tryin' to preserve the rights of all good old-fashioned Bible hatin'.

So the governor sends the bill back and says she won't sign it till it's more, y'know, inclusive. Like the Jews. Doesn't the Bible to tell us to hate them damn Jews? Didn't they kill our Lord, and drink the blood of Christian children? And they've got those big-ass noses, and damn, they just smell bad. Why should righteous folk have to be, y'know, kowtowin' to the likes of them?

It seems to me like the perfect solution. All those people screechin' about gettin' the bill vetoed get what they want, and Arizona still gets to stand up proud for what it's righteous folk stand for.

MEANWHILE IN THE CUCKOO CORRIDORS OF
K STREET: STANDIN' UP AGAINST SPORTS HOMOS

Thanks to the Washington Post's Jonathan Capehart for calling attention to this nuttiness: a Washington lobbyist who not only thinks that gays should be banned from the NFL but that Congress should pass a law doing so.

You're going to think that this report comes from The Onion, but no, I swear, it comes from The Hill:

Lobbyist drafts bill to ban gays from NFL

By Rebecca Shabad

Washington lobbyist Jack Burkman on Monday said he is preparing legislation that would ban gay athletes from joining the National Football League.

Burkman in a statement said he has garnered political support for the bill, though his statement didn’t mention any specific lawmakers who are behind it.

"We are losing our decency as a nation," Burkman said in a statement. "Imagine your son being forced to shower with a gay man. That’s a horrifying prospect for every mom in the country. What in the world has this nation come to?"

Burkman said he came up with the idea after college football star Michael Sam publicly revealed he is gay a few weeks ago. If drafted, Sam would be the first openly gay player in the NFL.

Jason Collins on Sunday became the first openly gay athlete to play for a major men's professional sports team when he suited up for the NBA's Brooklyn Nets against the Los Angeles Lakers.

A number of Democratic lawmakers voiced their support of Sam after he revealed his sexual orientation in an interview with ESPN, and first lady Michelle Obama hailed him as an "inspiration."

Burkman was not available to speak with The Hill but urged Congress to act in his statement.

"If the NFL has no morals and no values, then Congress must find values for it," Burkman said.

Burkman serves as founder and president of his own lobbying firm, Burkman Associates. He has also worked as of counsel at law firm Holland & Knight. In the 1990s, he served as counsel to then-Rep. Rick Lazio (R-N.Y.).

In a statement to The Hill Tuesday, Holland & Knight said it "is proud of its support of the LGBT community and we condemn Jack Burkman's current efforts. Mr. Burkman's employment with Holland & Knight ended almost 12 years ago. He was a lawyer in our Washington office from October 1998 to May 2002."

Burkman's firm, JM Burkman & Associates, signed 70 new clients last year, the most of any K Street firm, a recent review by The Hill found.   The four-lobbyist firm specializes in helping companies secure contracts with the federal government.