Speaker "Sunny John" Boehner needs our help -- he's run out of ideas for his top legislative priorities

If the House GOP can't think of anything better to prioritize, maybe they could do something about the McRib sandwich (by all means click on it to enlarge) -- and do something about the sauce, and maybe the pork too.

by Ken

Earlier today Howie wrote ("Is Boehner Retiring?) about rumors that the only speaker of the House we have is thinking about packing it in: "Boehner's job -- trying to herd the fractious, racist, unpatriotic teabaggers in his own party -- is so thankless and stressful that there are rumors he's contemplating retirement."

Well, that might be the poor sod's solution for the next session of Congress, but for the rest of this one he's still the man who runs the House, and I was shocked to learn from Washington Post Loopmaster Al Kamen that the poor dear is having trouble figuring out what his top two legislative priorities for the remainder of this session might be.

You'll be relieved to learn that Sunny John has nailed his no. 3 priority, having designated a bill that gives a go-ahead to building the Keystone XL pipeline as H.R. 3. As Al explains:

In the annals of bill numbering, H.R. 1 is the slot usually used for a majority party's top legislative priority -- its No. 1 goal. By way of example, the Senate Democrats this Congress made an immigration reform bill their equivalent, S. 1.

Last Congress, House Republicans' priorities were evident: H.R. 1 was a bill repealing the health-care law known as Obamacare (though we noted then that House leaders hadn't come up with their lesser goals, as represented by H.R. 6 through 10).

But in this Congress, which began in January, the House Republicans' No. 1 bill is . . . nothing. Not yet, at least.

Not only that, but H.R. 2 is unclaimed as well. At least for H.R. 1 there is

a notation stating simply that the space is "Reserved for the Speaker." Boehner announced this year that it's being held open for a big tax-reform bill Republicans are crafting.

It's unclear when that package will be ready for unveiling, though Boehner has called it one of House Republicans' "highest priorities."

Personally, I find the idea of allowing the deviants and mutants who comprise the House GOP conference to even touch the tax code terrifying. There should be big, strong monitors armed with yardsticks patrolling the premises to pulverize the knuckles of any of these mugs who tries to get his grubby mitts on the tax code.

Which means that the House majority party is still without a no. 1 or a no. 2 priority. Although, as Al also points out:

Like a meditating Buddhist monk, House Speaker John Boehner doesn't want you to confuse his lack of movement with nothing going on. Here's some evidence that he was serious when explaining this weekend that House Republicans not passing bills was an accomplishment.

Howie too noted the speaker's, er, surprising redefinition of legislative achievement in a chinwag with CBS's Bob Schieffer that aired Sunday on Face the Nation:

We should not be judged by how many new laws we create. We ought to be judged on how many laws we repeal.

Frankly, it's a little surprising to find the House Republicans so bereft of ideas, when their number includes such deep thinkers as Majority Leader Eric Cantor, Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy, and of course the conference's thinker-in-chief, Paul Ryan, who doesn't stop thinking from the moment he wakes up in the morning to the moment he falls asleep at night.

I'm always willing to help, so I've been thinking of some things the House GOP leadership might want to pop into those empty H.R. 1 and H.R. 2 slots. And I think I've got some winners.

1. Bring back the McRib sandwich and this time once and for all make it permanent.

The last I checked, the McRib was still making only a brief annual reapparance. What, is there really such a thing as "pork season"? The legislation might be expanded to doing something about that kind of icky-sweet barbecue sauce, and frankly about the pork itself. But at least the House GOP could show it stands for something.

2. Pass a House resolution condemning Anthony Weiner for being, you know, a dick.

He's not a member of the House anymore, but since when does that stop members of Congress from voicing their righteous indignation.

3. Institute a system whereby each week a House "council" would meet and vote one member off Capitol Hill.

As a member, anyway. You know the next week he/she will be back as a lobbyist.

3. Update the patriots on our paper currency.

I admit I've got kind of an agenda here. I'm thinking that thinking about money might distract the GOP darlings from thinking too much about the tax code. I haven't thought about it that much, but so far here's what I've come up with:

$1 bill: Replace the Father of Our Country with the Grandfather, Ronald Reagan.
$2 bill: Give us the new Jefferson: Young Johnny McCranky.
$5 bill: Dump that old Abe Lincoln, such an embarrassment to the modern-day Republican Party, in favor of the real freedom fighter of their time, President Jefferson Davis.
$10 bill: replace Alexander Hamliton with a more modern economic theorist, Ayn Rand.
$20 bill: Andrew Jackson? Feh! Let's have a real man of the people: George W. Bush.
$50 bill: Ulysses S. Grant? We need a real general: George S. Patton.
$100 bill: Quaint old Ben Franklin? No, we should have a real patriot: Rush Limbaugh.

Then, bring back the $500, $1000, $5000, and $10,000 bills, to make it easier for the 1% to transact off-the-books cash transactions, replacing William McKinley, Grover Cleveland, James Madison, and Salmon P. Chase, respectively, with -- who else? -- superpatriot Charles Koch.

And if the priorities are to be acts of un-legislating, there's always repeal of:
* Obamacare, of course
* Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid, of course
* the Dept of Education, of course
* the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau
* the income tax
* laws against corruption, bribery, stealing (maybe murder?)
* laws that discourage voter suppression
* any rules that frown on distributing lobbyists' cash to members on the House floor

It's really not that hard, Sunny John. I know you're feeling kind of blue these days, even if you still look pretty orange. Still, you were voted speaker to do a job. And surely it wasn't the job you're doing?

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