Tampa: The Circus Comes To Town

-by Noah

In a very real way, holding the Republican Convention in Florida is all too perfect. Once a beautiful state, Florida is now a postcard of its own dark demise, strangling in overdevelopment, backyards sinking into a grey sandy abyss, taking whole cul de sacs along with them, tap water that reeks of sulphur, and, overcrowded highways of pre-stroke seniors careening about while good old boy yahoos drive at unsafe, lane-straddling, beer and meth-induced speeds.
 
Not to worry though, mother nature, in a seeming pact with The Devil is taking it all back with more than just sinkholes as truly giant pythons, descended from pets turned loose, grow and grow in the Everglades and expand outward from there into suburban properties that were once farms and sub-tropical jungle. Global warming has only exacerbated the misery, unless you are a big snake or another throwback to the dino-days of 6000 years ago-- the American Crocodile or Alligator. See how the now homeless reptiles come to backdoors looking for food from the human citizenry since their own homes are being rapidly destroyed. It’s a war: humans vs. nature, and don’t bet on the humans.


Hell, the humans in Florida put a governor in office even after they knew he was suspect. If it was Illinois, Rick Scott would be sharing a cell in the ex-governor wing with Blago and other illustrious governors named George Ryan and Dan Walker. Florida may be, in fact, fodder for some future Bible chock full of stories of evil men named Scott and Bush, of wild tales of the Earth opening up and swallowing evil towns not named Sodom but Orlando and Ocala, and, most of all, of mammoth storms with names like Andrew, Charley, and Frances that wiped towns like Homestead off the Earth. And what did the humans do? They rebuilt and ignored the inevitable as global warming denying lunatics like Ben Stein preached to them from their televisions.

Into this once happy paradise, come The Republicans. Could this match made in hell be any more perfect and ironic? Florida is both an alternate universe and a bleak picture of a very possible future for the rest of us, if the Repugs continue to win. Those of us who operate in the normal world can only cover our eyes and peek through our fingers.
 
With that in mind, I’d like to report to you on the side of the Tampa Republican Convention that you probably won’t see on TV. It’s the even darker side. Every good circus has a Carny Row. In the old days, Florida was well known for such things; endless booths of four-legged men, bearded women, freaks pickled in formaldehyde, wild-eyed hellfire and brimstone preachers speaking in tongues, rifle ranges with real ducks, boys with batwings, crazy girls out who look like Ann Coulter and bite the heads off of live chickens, spellbinders and spell removers of all kinds. Pray away the gay would fit right in.
 
If you go to Tampa: to the Republican Convention, don’t miss this! Grab your children by the hand. Put on your boots. The Republican Carny Row, aka Romneyworld, and all its wonders awaits. Here’s a list of the main attractions:
 
1. Michele Bachmann’s Fantasy Fema Kamp. It’s all there: Conspiracies of every dimension. You can even take her Un-American attitudes test and submit your children to a special Pray Away the Gay session with Mr. Light In The Loafers himself, hubby Marcus.
 
2. Ted Nugent’s- Wild Boar In A Corral Hunt. Your choice AK-47 or crossbow.
 
3. Sheldon Adelson’s Student Loan Casino. And, a $10,000 ticket will get you a “free tutorial” on how to launder Chinese gangster cash! Background check required. We need to see if you are dirty enough for this one.
 
4. Retroactive Retirement Planning with Mitt Romney. Sorry, Monday only. Tuesday will be devoted to The 3 Card Monte Tax Dodge.
 
5. The “Pee In The Sea” Pool. For those of you who just weren’t able to be there for the Republican congressloon wilding in the Sea Of Galilee, this booth has a special 4 foot deep above ground pool where you can get drunk and strip butt naked for a dive and whatever other urges you can’t control.
 
6. Civil War Reenactment Day. This one’s on Tuesday. The great feature for Republicans is that The South always wins, and, slavery prevails!  Ya-hoo! No need for a Voting Rights Act in the first place!
 
7. Proper Bartending With John Boehner. This includes secret seminars on flask-hiding, filling a pen with 200 proof whiskey for emergency use, and, how to water down the drinks for maximum profit.
 
8. Let ‘Em Die- Surviving without healthcare! “Planned Parenthood. We’re gonna get rid of that.” No cancer screening for you!
 
9. Witch-Spotting With Sarah! Remember when Sarah Palin wanted to speak at the convention but got turned down because even the Repug leaders thought she was too weird for Prime Time? Well, here she is, telling you how you can avoid the affects of evil spells.



10. Learn To Be A Stripper! The first thing that hits you when you land in Tampa is that strip joints and porno palaces hugely outnumber even the fast food eateries. Little pink strip clubs abound. Half of them don’t even have signs but, take it from me, the signs aren’t needed! Mittens has made it very clear that he doesn’t want anymore police, firemen or teachers. Those are filthy tax-supported socialist jobs! Under the Romney Re-Education Plan, if you wear a uniform to work, you can keep it and use it in your pole-dancing act! Start your own Village People franchise! Now that’s a vision thing! Don’t have the goods for stripping? Not to worry! The Romneyworld Re-Education Centers thought of everything! You can learn how to make sports shoes for a dollar a day from Rupert Murdoch-financed Chinese instructors! Get to know your workbench. You’ll be chained to it.

11. Smoke Crack With Pam Geller! See how she does it. See where those wackjob pronouncements come from and it isn’t just her ass! Geller will smoke crack and discuss the events of the day with all of your favorite FOX luminaries, and you get to join in! The first one’s free! All will become clear!
 
12. Orly Taitz! The name says it all. She is the Queen Of Carny. What would a Republican Convention be without a very special seminar on birtherism? The 7 birthers who are actually speaking at the main event just aren’t enough! Orly covers it all: How to make a fraudulent birth certificate out of a real one. How to grow a conspiracy theory out of nothing at all (Special guest speaker Glenn Beck), and, most importantly, how to make millions doing it! Taitz offers real solutions for these tough economic times.