Convention Report: "Newt U"? Really??? Isn't this one of the obscenities the FCC won't let you say on the air?

Okay, so Tuesday night, instead of whatever the RNC was planning to put in its allotted convention time slot, they could show The Fountainhead. Maybe the delegates, and the country, will think that Patricia Neal and Gary Cooper are really Ann and Willard.

by Ken

When I first heard that the Republicans were canceling Monday's opening night of their presidential nominating convention, my first thought was: "Hot dog!" My second thought was: "Only Monday night?" All this means is that, as the Borowitz Report reported, "War on Women Postponed Until Tuesday."

Seriously, though, what do the R's have to do this week? Okay, they're going to nominate two clowns who may not be the absolute worst people on the planet but are the worst they could come up with with straight faces. (You remember all those other life forms who lost out to Willard Inc. for the nomination?) This could be done online, and at the same time the RNC could resolve any lingering platform issues by offering delegates the obvious options: ignoranter, hatefuller, psychoticer.

Then, instead of letting renegade TV networks counterprogram them, they could counterprogram themselves. Like Tuesday night in the time slot the big broadcast networks have set aside for them, they could show the film version of The Fountainhead. Then Wednesday . . .

Actually, I haven't worked it out that far. Hey, it's not my problem! I wasn't going to be watching anyway. Wait, wait, isn't there, like, an archive of those fake-historical propaganda TV mockeumentaries the Right has been having its embedded stooges in Hollywood producing for a decade or two -- usually for ABC?

Maybe you folks have some suggestions. I was thinking maybe one night could be devoted to the Romneys' [oops, not "Reagans' "!] dancing horse, assuming it hasn't been shuffled off to the glue factory after its humiliating defeat in London. Maybe another night they could offer a workout video with their brand-new alter-Willard, PRyan. Like, Kick Butt with Paul, with Paul in a Speedo or a thong. (Okay, so I'm curious to see what all that compulsive compensatory working out has done for the gremlin. I'm guessing that even nekkid he looks like the hideous troll under the bridge.)

If Rafalca hasn't been sent to the glue factory, maybe she could host an evening of her video highlight reel.

MEANWHILE, AS IF TO PROVE THAT REPUBLICANS
CAN ALWAYS BE CREEPIER THAN WE IMAGINED . . .

This just in from the Committee on Arrangements for the 2012 Republican National Convention:

Newt U Details Announced
Former Speaker Newt Gingrich to Host Policy Classes for Delegates

The Republican National Committee convention today announced details of "Newt U," a series of public policy workshops for delegates designed to support and expound upon the overall messages of the convention. Former U.S. House Speaker and one-time college professor Newt Gingrich will host Newt U, which will examine the convention's daily themes in greater detail and give delegates an opportunity to dive deeper into those issues.

Each class is open to credentialed convention media and activists and party officials attending the convention. They will be held at a different campus every day so delegates located throughout the Tampa region will have an opportunity to participate in the sessions.

People, I swear to God I haven't made a word of this up.

Monday - August 27th - "We Can Do Better" - Jobs, Growth and Protecting Medicare

Speakers: Speaker Newt Gingrich, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, Utah Governor Gary Herbert, Congressman Aaron Schock (IL-18), Former New York Lt. Governor Betsy McCaughey, Larry Kudlow, Host, CNBC's "The Kudlow Report," John Goodman, President & CEO, National Center for Policy Analysis, James Kemp, Jack Kemp Foundation, Christine Donahue, Michigan Delegate and Small Business Owner, Lahnee Chen, Policy Director, Romney for President

Tuesday - August 28th - "We Built it" - Small Businesses and Civil Society Build America

Speakers: Speaker Newt Gingrich, Callista Gingrich, President, Gingrich Productions, Former Secretary Jim Nicholson, U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs, Dr. Greggory DeVore, Physicians for Romney, CA, Fred Lampropolous, Utah Delegate and CEO, Merit Medical

Wednesday - August 29th – "We Can Change It" - The New American Energy Opportunity

Speakers: Speaker Newt Gingrich, Kellyanne Conway, CEO & President, the polling company, Scott Noble, President, Noble Royalties, Inc., Rebecca Rosen, Energy Advisor, Romney for President, Harold Hamm, CEO, Continental Resources

Thursday - August 30th - "We Believe In America" - We Don't Believe in Obamacare

Speakers: Speaker Newt Gingrich, U.S. Senator Mike Lee, Utah, Congressman Tom Price (GA 6), Donna Williams, North Carolina Delegate, Dr. Greggory DeVore, Physicians for Romney, CA, Kellyanne Conway, CEO & President, the polling company

I know, I know, you're kicking yourself because you're not credentialed convention media or an activist or party official attending the convention, so you don't get to see any of these thrill-packed Newt Gone Wild extravaganzas. (And if Newt shows up in a Speedo or a thong, somebody's got to pull the plug.) Maybe the R's should be showing this crap to their national TV audience?

If nothing else, now you can flip off your friends with the new cool slogan, Newt U!

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