Will Cuppy Tonight: "The Modern Man" from "How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes"

"The Modern Man's highly developed brain has made him what he is and you know what he is."

by Ken

Tonight, finally, we find out "where we come in." Since we read the preface to How to Tell Your Friends from the Apes, we've worked our way through "Memoirs of the Jukes Family, or Where We Come In," meeting Java Man, Peking Man, Piltdown Man, Heidelberg Man, Neanderthal Man, and Cro-Magnon Man. So, without further ado, presenting --

The Modern Man

THE MODERN MAN or Nervous Wreck is the highest of all mammals because anyone can see that he is. There are about 2,000,000,000 Modern Men or too many. The Modern Man's highly developed brain has made him what he is and you know what he is.¹ The development of his brain is caused by his upright or bipedal position, as in the Penguin, the Dinosaur and other extinct reptiles. Modern Man has been called the Talking Animal because he talks more than any three other animals chosen at random. He has also been called the Reasoning Animal but there may be a catch in this. The fissure of Sylvius and the fissure of Rolando enable him to argue in circles. His main pursuits in the order named are murder, robbery, kidnapping, body-snatching, barratry, nepotism, arson and mayhem. This is known as the Good, the True and the Beautiful. Modern Men are viviparous. They mature 6lowly but make up for it later, generally from July first to June thirtieth inclusive. The females carry nickels and pins in their mouths. They are fond of glittering objects, bits of ribbon and olives.² All Modern Men are descended from a Wormlike creature but it shows more on some people. Modern Man will never become extinct if the Democrats can help it.³

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¹It is because of his brain that he has risen above the animals. Guess which animals he has risen above.
²Each male has from 2 to 790 females with whom he discusses current events. Of these he marries from 3 to 17.
³To be perfectly fair, Modern Man was invented on October 25, 4004 B.C., at 9 o'clock in the morning, according to the statement of Dr. John Lightfoot (1602-1675) of Stoke-upon-Trent, Vice-chancellor of the University of Cambridge. Dr. Lightfoot's Whole Works comes in thirteen volumes.

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TOMORROW IN WILL CUPPY TONIGHT: So how do you tell your friends from the apes? Starting with "The Chimpanzee"


THURBER TONIGHT (including BENCHLEY, WILL CUPPY, WOLCOTT GIBBS, RING LARDNER, BOB AND RAY, E. B. WHITE, JEAN SHEPHERD, and PERELMAN TONIGHT): Check out the series to date

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