With his primary sweep yesterday, Willard Inc. uncorked the mightiest KO blow since George Steinbrenner emerged from that empty elevator

Sure, George "The Cleveland Clobberer" Steinbrenner was kind of battered when he emerged from the empty elevator that famous day in 1981 in Los Angeles, but you shoulda seen them other guys. No, really, you shoulda -- 'cause nobody else ever did.


"As Delaware goes, so goes the nation."

-- political saying never said by anyone as far as we know

by Ken

As best we can tell, one man went into that elevator, and that same man emerged from it, battered but unbowed. On the Yankees "Bleacher Report" website, senior writer Tim Wood included this memorable event from the 1981 World Series among his roster of managing partner George Steinbrenner's "25 Most Memorable Yankees Moments":

The Elevator Fight

During the 1981 World Series, the Yankees were on a bad roll against the Dodgers when Steinbrenner called an impromptu press conference in his hotel room.

He showed up with his left hand in a cast and said that he was attacked by two Dodgers fans in a hotel elevator.

No attackers came forward, and it was believed Steinbrenner staged the incident to get his team fired up.

This is an exceedingly charitable account of an event that remains mysterious, sort of. Of course there may be, as Tim Wood suggests, a fairly simple reason why no trace was ever found of those two Dodger fans who waylaid George in the elevator that day.

Nevertheless, on the ground of being the only known survivor of the episode, George has to be counted the winner of this famous brawl, if only by default -- perhaps more of a TKO than a KO, but heck, that counts too, no? So why was the great episode of "Steinbrenner vs. Nobody" the only image that came to mind in the wake of the Incorporated Willard's stunning five-primary sweep yesterday?

Technically, yesterday wasn't a strict case of Willard vs. Nobody. (This is not to be confused with the previous months' grueling ordeal of "Willard vs. nobodies.") Ron Paul is still in the race (isn't he?), and as of yesterday so was Noot Gingrich. In fact, I heard on the radio this morning that Noot had hopes for a Delaware triumph that would jump-start his candidacy -- a sentence of a sort I never expected to read let alone write. Alas the hoped-for Delaware Dinger didn't materialize. I don't have the exact figures, but my impression is that Noot got about 12 votes, and even those were mostly from people he's either been married to or has promised to marry.

At first Noot was pointing out that Willard still doesn't have the number of delegates required for a convention majority. But by daybreak he seemed to have given way to one of his rare visits to reality -- that is, for any purpose other than hauling away wagonloads of Nootbucks. It's the worst-kept secret since
that Noot is preparing to throw in the towel . . . well, sometime this week.

One of those GOP presidential primaries yesterday was here in New York. GOP-registered voters were invited to turn out with nothing else on the ballot. I'm assuming that at least one such voter actually did show up to vote somewhere in the state, and cast his/her vote for Willard; otherwise it might have gotten awkward when it comes to divvying up the NYS GOP delegates.

With the kind of enthusiasm GOP primary voters showed Willard yesterday, is it any wonder that he's cruising unstoppably toward the nomination? OK, it might have something to do with the gazillions of dollars Willard's grass-roots billionaires are chipping into the effort? That, and a candidate field comprising the most ignorant, whacked-out, and loathsome specimens in the history of the human race.

Which includes Willard, by the way.

FOR A CLOSE-UP VIEW OF REPUBLICANS' FERVOR FOR
FOR THEIR NOMINEE, WE TURN TO ANDY BOROWITZ

POLL: Majority of Republicans Guess
They Have to Support Fucking Romney

Lack of Other Option Cited

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) -- In what Romney campaign insiders are hailing as a sign that the party faithful are rallying around the former Massachusetts governor, a new poll released today shows that a majority of Republican voters agree with the statement, "I guess I have to support fucking Romney."

When asked why they were now ready to cast their vote for Mr. Romney, a majority of those Republicans polled "strongly agreed" with the statement, "Why do you think? No one else is fucking running anymore. Stop asking such stupid fucking questions. I don't need this shit."

Underscoring the sense that he is now the presumptive nominee, the Romney campaign unveiled a new slogan this morning, "You Have No Other Options Anymore. Start Dealing With It, Losers."

After sweeping five primary states Tuesday night, Mr. Romney was exultant, telling supporters in Manchester, N.H., "I love American democracy. I'm good friends with the owners of it."

The wins by Mr. Romney forced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich to suspend his campaign, telling reporters that he was leaving the race "to spend more time with my families."

As for former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, he offered Mr. Romney this endorsement during an appearance on CNN: "Yeah, I guess I support him, because, well duh, I have absolutely no other choice. Right? I mean, really, Piers, what kind of moronic question is that? I guess this goes to show that you can be a total douchebag and still win the nomination if you have the most dough. I mean come on -- this whole situation makes me want to throw up. My only consolation is that on Judgment Day I'm going to Heaven, and we'll have to see what happens to Mr. Magic Underpants. Haha. Yeah. Sweet."

#