Wednesday, January 04, 2012

The Noah Diaries 2011 (17): Just let Texas go!


Today's GOP foreseen 170 years ago, Delta supports the troops, Palin invades the U.K., Evan Bayh's true colors, and more

Just let 'em go! (See 6/6.)

by Noah

6/4/11 -- Who needs Nostradamus? Almost 170 years ago Thackeray foresaw the future of American Republicanism
There is a quality in certain people which is above all advice, exposure, or correction. Only let a man or woman have DULNESS sufficient, and they need bow to no extant authority. A dullard recognises no betters; a dullard can't see that he is in the wrong; a dullard has no scruples of conscience, no doubts of pleasing, or succeeding, or doing right; no qualms for other people's feelings, no respect but for the fool himself. How can you make a fool perceive he is a fool? Such a personage can no more see his own folly than he can see his own ears. And the great quality of Dulness is to be unalterably contented with itself. What myriads of souls are there of this admirable sort -- selfish, stingy, ignorant, passionate, brutal; bad sons, mothers, fathers, never known to do kind actions!
-- William Makepeace Thackeray,
Men's Wives (1843), Chapter 2

6/6/11 -- Just let Texas go!

Ah, Texas! Where running over Mexicans on the highway is considered a sport, Republicans grow like weeds, and Saturday-night date night just means a trip out to the barn. Many Texans and other forms of Repuggies now want their Gov. Rick Perry to run. That's right, the guy who wants to secede from the country should run it, at least in the minds of Republican leaders such as Jabba the Limbaugh.

Personally I think we should go ahead and allow Texas to leave. Then we could do what we like best: invade them for their oil! Then we could have an irrational national discussion about what Oklahoma, Louisiana, and New Mexico should do about Texans sneaking over the border into the United States so their kids can have a better life. After all, Texas ranks very low in several categories in our country: 44th in money allocated per student, 44th in children living in poverty, 45th in infectious diseases, 50th in insurance for children, 50th in health care, 50th in spending for mental health care (this one's pretty obvious, no?), 36th in occupational fatalities, and 36th in high school graduations. Just let 'em go!

6/8/11 -- Supporting the troops, Delta Air Lines-style

This past week Delta charged a group of 14 of our troops returning home an extra $200 each for an extra bag. Their way of saying "Thank you for your service," I guess. Maybe Delta needed the extra $2800 to apply toward executive bonuses.

6/8/11 -- Finally -- after 30 years, a reason to like Maggie Thatcher!

Sarah Palin wants to meet with 1980s British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher (aka Ronald Reagan in a bra) during her trip to merry old Blimey, but Thatcher thinks she's "nuts" and doesn't want any part of her.

It says something about Palin that she thinks that somehow she's on a level where a former prime minister would meet with her to begin with. She may sense that her act is finally starting to wear thin here and so is looking for new frontiers to inflict and infect with her peculiar brand of crazy. I wonder if she thinks she can just drive her bus to London. Maggie may be ailing at age 85, but she clearly still has some of her marbles. For Palin, it's all about Palin. So what if an elderly ex-PM needs her rest? Maybe Palin can wait until Thatcher dies, then go lay some flowers at her grave for a nice showy photo op.

Or maybe Sarah can get in to see the Queen instead! She can even wear one of those funny hats like Princess Beatrice did at the recent Royal Wedding [see 4/15], and the Queen can put on an "I'M WITH STUPID" T-shirt. If the Queen isn't up to it, perhaps officials in England can do a pub crawl and find some drunken old bar hag, clean her up a bit and pass her off to Palin as the Queen. She'll never know the diff. Or Eric Idle in a dress in his high voice might fill the bill. Palin will be enchanted and push it and ask if she can also meet Robin Hood.

The possibilities of a Palin visit to the United Kingdom are intriguing. Imagine if she gets sick and needs medical attention. The British health-care system might be an eye-opener for her (if anything can be). I hope she doesn't take a side trip to Ireland and start babbling about the history of the two Irelands, and somehow wind up setting off a new war between Catholics and Protestants.

6/9/11 -- Former Democratic Sen. Evan Bayh shows his true colors (as if they were ever in doubt)

It's not enough that he gave up his "Democratic" seat and went directly to FOX "News." Now he's a truth-twisting, satchel-carrying lobbyist for the U.S Chamber of Commerce, a group of Chinese-sympathizer turncoats who, among other things, strongly encourage sending the jobs of American workers overseas. The Bayh family name was once respected in American politics. Those days are gone. Just like the jobs.

6/11/11 -- Vern Buchanan, Florida used-car salesman and state legislator -- what a combo!

Would you buy a used car from this slug?

Why not just add thee-card-monte dealer to the career mix? Why does Vern merit a mention here? Because he forced his employees at the dealership to contribute to his campaign or be fired. It's all a part of that "reforming" workers' rights thing. Yeah, it's Florida.

Keep an eye on this guy. He's what Republicans call a natural.

6/13/11 -- Women made him do it! Limbaugh has the answer to Weinergate

And fellow righties who are spending way too much time being fearful and anxiety-ridden about losing their manly essence agree.

Rush Limbaugh often reveals far more about his own psyche than he can imagine. When New York Congressman Anthony Weiner got caught texting some "personal photographs" to various women (emphasize "caught," as opposed to the rest of the Congressional Penis-Texting Caucus), Limbaugh felt compelled to give this a lot of thought, and felt he had to speak out, if only for the greater good of the male of the species! Rush sees a vast conspiracy by what he calls "feminist-oriented liberal women"!
Why is it that Anthony Weiner turns out to be the kind of guy he is? How does that happen? If we're gonna bring this stuff up, folks, let's talk about it. Let's bring it up! What kinda women has Anthony Weiner been around his whole life? He has been around a bunch of these kind of women who have been attacking testosterone, who have been attacking traditional male roles.

The tirade went on, but you get the drift. I immediately thought of Gen. Jack D. Ripper in Stanley Kubrick's great Dr. Strangelove, right down to that very Freudian cigar. What are you really worried about, Rush? Your "precious bodily fluids"? And just why is it that your marriages don't even last as long as Newtie's? Here's General Ripper (Sterling Hayden), with Peter Sellers as Group Captain Mandrake.

6/15/11 -- Glenn Beck luvs guns, and so does Neil Boortz

Glenn Beck, the Republican media darling, attempted -- while discussing the U.N. small-arms treaty -- to address potential gun violence by terrorists. He said he feels his Second Amendment rights might be taken away by some sort of international gun registration law. Then he asked his FOX viewers, "Why would you get a gun?," and pointed to a picture of the president! We've already had a congresswoman shot this year, but that's not enough for the teabag element.

Meanwhile, another right-wing opinion leader, Neil Boortz, has called for his listeners to get guns, saying he wants more dead "thugs" in his town. And of course Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour, former head of the RNC, wants license plates in his state that honor Nathan Bedford Forrest, founder of the KKK [see 2/10].

Beck and the rest just can't accept that we have our first African-American president. The name-calling and euphemisms hurled at President Obama are another Jackie Robinson Story 63 years later. That's how much America hasn't progressed in this time, especially in light of how the Republicans have used Obama's election to rally the troops in their efforts to negate the voting-rights laws of the civil-rights movement with new state legislation in time for the 2012 election. That's why Beck frantically points at a picture of President Obama while saying, "Why would you get a gun?"

6/16/11-- Who could have guessed that depicting your opponent as a pole dancer surrounded with black hip-hoppers and gangbangers might be offensive?

Supporters of Republican-Teabag businessman Craig Huey have run an ad in this year's special congressional election in the Los Angeles area which depicts Huey's Democratic opponent, Janice Hahn, as a pole dancer who surrounds herself with black hip-hoppers and gangbangers.

Huey, of course, goes for the "Hey, I didn't know" excuse that Sen. George Allen made famous when he claimed that he didn't know what "macaca" meant. "It's offensive? Really? Who knew?" Just like Dick Armey calling Barney Frank "Barney Fag."

One month later: Hahn prevailed and has gone to Washington. The bigotry politics failed this time, but Republicans won't change. It's who they are.

6/18/11 -- Sounds like a swell town: an old Kentucky hole

A staff member at a public swimming pool in Hazard, Kentucky, told two disabled gay men they couldn't swim in the pool. Why not? "It's in the Bible," came the answer.

Personally, I don't remember this one from Sunday school, but maybe I wasn't paying close enough attention, or maybe it was on that first Ten Commandments tablet, the one Moses smashed the first time he came down from the mountain. "Thou shalt not swim while gay." Yeah, that must be it. Somehow this important commandement didn't make it into the replacement tablets. Apparently, though, it can nevertheless be found in the special Republican Bible.

6/21/11 -- A man with a plan: This North Carolina gent robbed a bank of $1

Crazy? Nope. Prisoners in North Carolina get free health care, and 59-year-old Richard Verone wanted it.

Will this start a trend? I hear they feed you too, and if the bank has stolen your home . . . .

6/26/11 -- The Case of the Secret Socialist (yes, you, Rep. Michele Bachmann)

Michele screams and whines a lot about socialism. Her biggest target is President Obama, butmaybe her target should be the crazy lady she sees in the shattered mirror. Politico reports that she got $50,000 in 2010 to help the family farm! People in glass houses, Michele! What other big government handouts do you enjoy? Is this trouble you can pray away?

History in the making:
Selections from THE NOAH DIARIES 2011

Yesterday: (16) "The Pill kills -- the nutjobbers target contraception. Plus: Trump-Palin pizza party (write your own caption!), letter to the prez, Medicare "reform," you can't hear that speech!, and more (6/1-3/2011)
Tomorrow: (18) Trouble in MurdochWorld -- Bye-bye, News of the World! Plus: Reptilian Louie Gohmert on gov't salaries, Obama hit for being in favor of education, slavery wasn't so-o-o bad, naked gunwoman, and more (7/5-11/11)


And don't forget 2010's Year in Review series and 2009's "12 Days of Christmas Scorn"!

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