Welcome to the wacky wilds of Weinerworld

My friend Paul gathered this anthology of late-night comics' musings on Weinerworld, as well as a compendium of the binging cartoonists' output. It seems a shame not to pass on the yuks along with at least a smattering of the cartoons. I suppose it could be argued that they couldn't resist the subject. I might argue that they could have tried. I should add that this compilation dates back to Friday, before the congressman's deliverance into the hands of rehab. -- Ken

“51 percent of New York voters think Congressman Weiner should keep his seat in office. The other 49 percent think that he should disinfect it." –- Conan O'Brien

"What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement?" –- Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner calling Bill Clinton, who officiated at his wedding

"It turns out that one of the women Congressman Anthony Weiner was communicating with was a porn star. When asked how it was possible to get involved with someone in such a sleazy business, the porn star said, 'I don't know.'" –- Conan O'Brien

"Congressman Weiner is in a lot of trouble since he tweeted those pictures. But good news for him, he just found out he'll be allowed to keep his porn name ... Anthony Weiner." –- Conan O'Brien

"Sociologists have documented this. Here are the stages of a scandal: First you have the denial, then you have the tearful confession, then it's resignation, and then you appear on 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –- David Letterman

"Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate messages to several women via Twitter, text, email, and Facebook. I think the lesson here is that if you're going to send explicit pictures of yourself, send them through MySpace, where no one will notice." –- Jimmy Kimmel

"Weiner is now desperately trying to make things better with his wife. You can tell he's sorry. Like today he sent her a picture of his penis with a little sad face on it." –- Jay Leno

"Congressman Weiner reportedly called Bill Clinton to apologize for his behavior. After Bill suggested that Weiner also call Hillary, Weiner said, 'Don't worry, I sent her a text.'" –- Conan O'Brien

"Congressman Weiner has admitted that he did carry on explicit online relationships with six different women. Well, he thought they were women. Turns out three were woman, one was a guy pretending to be a woman, and the other two were congressmen." –- Jay Leno


"The list of women who got sexy pics from Anthony Weiner keeps growing. As of now it's a porn star, a single mom from Texas, a blackjack dealer, and a student from Seattle. Is this a sex scandal of the next cast of Survivor? Survivor: Weiner Island." –- Craig Ferguson

"Today the porn star in question –- talking about Anthony Weiner -– apparently he tried to get her to lie about the messages he sent. But she refused. Good! I'd hate to think a porn star would degrade herself by taking orders from a Congressman." –- Craig Ferguson

"But I have to ask this: What kind of world are we living in when porn stars make Weiners go down?' It's reverse world!" –- Craig Ferguson

"A second woman has come forward now. She says she has over 200 explicit sex messages from the married congressman. She says they're very short messages. Like cocktail wieners." –- Jay Leno

"Weiner says no matter how many photos of him in his underpants surface, he is not stepping down. I said, wow, this looks like a job for Leno." –- David Letterman

"At a press conference this afternoon, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that he tweeted out that photo of his crotch. During the press conference, Congressman Weiner was choked up and got a lump in this throat –- not as big as the lump in his underwear, but still, very emotional!" -- Jimmy Fallon

"Weiner admitted to sending underpants photos of himself. It's a huge political scandal. Arnold Schwarzenegger even called Weiner to say thank you." –- Craig Ferguson

"With all this new media, is that considered junk e-mail? Or is it e-mail of your junk? There are so many terms!" –- Jay Leno

"I don't know if laws were broken or not, but Weiner was sending around pictures of him in his underpants and I thought, Well, now, wait a minute, what is the big deal? Don't men and women in Congress get to mail their packages for free?!" –- David Letterman

"This is why Twitter exists. Members of Congress can now send you pictures of their penises electronically. Remember the old days of Senator Larry Craig when you had to get in your car, drive to the airport, find the airport bathroom, try to figure out which stall he's in, knock on the door...Now they send it right to your house." -- Jay Leno


"You know, when Clinton wanted to text someone a picture of his penis, he had to use an Etch-A-Sketch." –- Jimmy Kimmel

"It shows you how the political race has changed. Remember it wasn't that long ago when candidates would ask 'Where's the beef?' You can't ask that now!" –- Jay Leno

"Democrats don't share our values. An elected official is tweeting dirty photos of himself to strange women who he never meets for sex? Come on! At least Republican Chris Lee was trying to get some action! Republican politicians are man enough to hit that thing. Ensign, Vitter, even when it's a gay scandal! They're not tweeting love letters. They're tearing up an airport bathroom until somebody calls the cops on them!" -- Stephen Colbert

"I think we'll all remember where we were when we found out, this is in fact Anthony Weiner's [penis]. Naked, he must look like a windsock hanging off a parking meter." -- Stephen Colbert

"Today Steve Jobs at Apple unveiled their new 'iCloud' technology. Pretty amazing. Experts say this could revolutionize the way Anthony Weiner sends pictures of his penis." -- Jay Leno

"I'm not certain of a lot of things. But there are three things in this world that I know for certain: Empire Strikes Back is the best Star Wars movie. OJ killed those people. And what my erect penis looks like in my own underwear from a bird's-eye view." –- Jon Stewart, on Rep. Anthony Weiner's claim that he could "can't say with certitude" whether a photo posted on his Twitter account of a man wearing just boxer shorts was actually him

"I see only two options here: Either Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of, or 'Certitiude' is his nickname for his penis." -–Stephen Colbert

"Anthony Weiner pledges to get to the bottom of this. He's asked for an investigation, the police are involved, he's got a dick lawyer he's hired. They know it is a Democrat's penis because it won't stand up. And also because it was sent to a woman." –- Bill Maher

"Congressman Weiner's Twitter account was hacked 'allegedly,' and someone texted a picture of his 'junior senator' to a college girl. Now this is good news for me because I can Google 'wiener photos' at work and not get fired." –- Craig Ferguson


"In real life, in my memory, this guy had a lot more 'Anthony' and a lot less 'Weiner.' ... The only thing they have in common is that they both lean to the extreme left!" –- Jon Stewart, on allegations that Rep. Anthony Weiner, a former housemate of Stewart's, sent out a crotch photo from his Twitter account

"New York Congressman Anthony Weiner has found himself in an uncomfortable position after a photo of what could be him in his underpants was somehow posted for everyone to see via his Twitter account. We had to blur this, but you could definitely see his weiner, and a little bit of schnitzel too I think. It looks like he may have had a Boehner there too." –- Jimmy Kimmel

"If I was Anthony Weiner, I'd blame this all on Brett Favre." –- Jimmy Kimmel

"If this is a prank, I guess we're lucky they pulled it on Anthony Weiner, and not Colin Powell." -- Jimmy Kimmel

"He isn't flat-out denying the picture isn't him. He told Wolf Blitzer it doesn't look familiar. That’s something you’re familiar with. I’m so familiar with mine that if I described it to a police sketch artist, it would be arrested within minutes." –- Jimmy Kimmel

"The question is –- why can’t Congressman Anthony Weiner say with certitude if the crotch in question is his or not? Because he’s got so many crotch shots lying around, maybe one got away? Maybe been taking a picture of his crotch every hour for a month, to create one of those cool YouTube time-lapse videos?" —NPR's Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me! 

"Congressman Weiner said the photo leak was a prank, he's a victim, the picture could be taken out of context? In what possible context would you take this picture? Maybe he meant to send it to his doctor, with the message, 'Okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved.'" -- NPR's Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!


David Letterman's "Top Ten Questions to Ask Before Tweeting a Photo of Yourself"

10. "Is this my best side?"
9. "Will this get me more followers?"
8. "Should I put it on Facebook instead?"
7. "Do I have a last name that would make this especially embarrassing?"
6. "Would it be more personal to fax everyone photos?"
5. "What's the point if James Arness is no longer alive to see it?"
4. "Is there a better way to show people I’m Jewish?"
3. "What would Brett Favre do?"
2. "Isn't this what Twitter’s for?"
1. "What could possibly go wrong?"