The results of "The New Yorker"'s search for a universal cartoon caption

Drawing by John Klossner
Contest #291, June 13, 2011

This week's caption: Because this is a double issue (June 13 & 20), you have extra time to submit your entry -- the deadline is next Sunday, June 19. As usual, everyone 18 or older is eligible to enter except, of course, residents of Quebec, the Land That Captions Forgot.

by Ken

As I've been mentioning, New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff has announced results of his quest for the universal caption.

To back up, in case you don't know, in each issue of The New Yorker, on the last page inside the back cover we get: (a) the new cartoon for captioning, (b) the three finalists chosen from submissions to the most recently processed contest, to be voted on by readers, and (c) the winning caption from among the most recently voted-on finalists. Recently Bob reported on a growing movement toward anti-captioning, in the form of a caption that can be applied universally, without thought or customizing, to absolutely any drawing.

Just to show how this works, in my report on Bob's quest, I reproduced a number of recent contest winners. Here are the drawings without captions.

The winning captions -- I'll leave it to you to determine which goes with which drawing -- were:

"Careful, the water's hard today."
"I'm not going to say the word I'm thinking of."
“Well, you’re the one who insisted on the smoking section.”
"I came, I sawed, I conquered."

But imagine instead that the mind of man could devise a single caption to cover all situations. The ones Bob reported were already in circulation when he announced his initiative were:

"What a misunderstanding!"
"Christ, what an asshole!"
"I just did a huge one in my diaper."
“You many not remember me, but we went to high school together.”
“Who farted?"
"I don't get this cartoon, and I’m in it."
"My being riddled with tumors, this seems insignificant."
"'Surprise!' 'Surprise.' 'Surprise?'"

Try each of these with each of the above captionless drawings.

By the way, I also offered the then-current cartoon-to-be-captioned:

This week we learned the three finalists:

"Part of me thinks you should be seeing a veterinarian."

"So you say you're only half the man you used to be?"

"Frankly, your life sounds quite wonderful."

You can vote here. (I don't believe "none of the above" is an option.) Again, don't any of you filthy Québecois try to sneak through the contest cordon.

Okay, already, you're probably saying, so what did the search for the universal caption bring? Okay, okay.

Some of the submissions were bafflingly specific:

"Your French fry is on fire." -- HumorQ
"Fritz is gone, so you answer if my wife calls." -- HumorQ
"If you want more proof that we're twins, look how we're holding our glasses." -- koba2802
"Do you accept credit cards?" -- sheridanm
"You gonna finish that?" -- mlhumphrey

Others came from the "Anything you can do I can do meta" crowd:

"Err… it looks like whatever I say now it's going to sound like a snobby cartoon caption." -- irinakoryagina
"I don't read The New Yorker!!!" -- pebbleculture
"If you have to ask, cancel your subscription." -- radasc
"It's like we're in a New Yorker cartoon." -- kevintemple
"It may not seem funny right now, but someday someone will use this very situation for a New Yorker Cartoon." -- apatheticagnostic

Many of these were snarky, but one of the meta-humorous ones cleverly manipulates a cliché and works as a caption.

"I wish I'd never been drawn." -- dbozsan

These jokes become a sort of meta-meta-humor, almost like a comedic version of the financial system, where you had derivatives of derivatives of derivatives. I just hope these meta-meta-gags don't cause a humor meltdown.

The majority of entrants took a more straightforward approach: an ambiguous catchphrase that makes the viewer imagine a scenario or backstory, however vague, for almost any image.

"I don't belong here." -- potts
"This isn't how I saw it playing out, either." -- herreratim
"This happens more often than you might suspect." -- michaeldoleman
"Well, this is awkward!" -- lisah405
"Some things defy the usual explanations." -- hhickman

Another approach was to use a media reference or a topic in the news.

"It's sad to think I'll never talk about this on Oprah." -- nosnivel
"It's been a year and I still don't understand LOST." -- koba2802
"This would make a great reality show." -- twilightzoner
"So what. The world is ending October 21st." -- zannieg

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