Thursday, February 25, 2010

Assholes across America mourn the passing of the Hummer


You figure these must be happy days in Detroit. Or at any rate happyish. Or leastwise whatever you experience when for once, even for a while, you find yourselves not the object of the wrath of car owners and buyers. What better time, if you happen to be a Big Three auto maker with an embarrassing splotch on your balance sheet, to perform a discreet splotchectomy? -- Ken
FEBRUARY 25, 2010

Decision to Stop Making Hummers Saddens Assholes

Douchebags Seek New Way to Compensate for Tiny Penises

DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) – General Motors’ decision yesterday to stop manufacturing Hummers has struck at the heart of the group who loved the vehicles most: America’s assholes.

Across the nation, leading assholes spoke of a sense of loss and sadness caused by the decision, and suggested that they would now be searching for new ways to compensate for their small penises.

Tracy Klugian, a realtor in Tempe, Arizona, said that he would consider buying a boat with an annoyingly loud sound system, “but it just won’t say ‘asshole’ like a Hummer does.”

Mr. Klugian, whose penis has been described as “microscopic,” also questioned the timing of GM’s decision.

“Right now, the Hummer is the only thing on the road capable of stopping a Toyota,” he said.



At 7:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you enjoy my song.

The Hummer Dumber Song
(All Over Utopia)

Larry Piltz

(This is satire, not an instruction manual.)

Blow up a Hummer
as it rolls off the line
blow up a Hummer
and pay a small fine
blow up a Hummer
and all of its kind
blow up a Hummer
on your street or mine

blowing up Hummers all over utopia
all over the lanes of godly Myopia
our nearsighted utopia

Hummer Hummer, what a gas
Hummer owner, what an ass
hauling groceries from the store
Hummer hauling giant whore

Hummer runs into a wall
Hummer flaming fireball
toast of the town, money to burn
Hummer owner Postmodern

Hummer Hummer burning bright
go to blazes this good night
reeking ugly moral blight
get thee Hummer from my sight

Hummer hurdles over wall
Hummer smashes in the fall
on its way to shopping mall
Hummer still a bit too small

Hummer selfishness on crack
turn a car onto its back
driving on a soldier’s grave
oil’s its god with a zombie slave

Hummer Hummer, set me free
free me now from my TV
drive with it into the sea
blowing up eternally

Hummer easy to carjack
just hide up on the luggage rack
then park Hummer on railroad track
I heard about this from a colonel in Iraq

Hummers drive the blue or red one
drive it to work and to Armageddon
drive it if you’re Mars or Venus
drive it like a big steel penis

O sweet Myopia
what friend would I be
to let a friend drive so stupid
now give me that key
stand down from your sin
leave the door just ajar
you're forgiven my friend but
don't stand in front of my new car
we love you, Myopia
our nearsighted utopia

(to any law enforcement; again, this is satire, not an instruction manual)

At 11:14 PM, Anonymous me said...

There's a vehicle that won't be missed. I can't believe they actually sold some of them.


Post a Comment

<< Home