Assholes across America mourn the passing of the Hummer

You figure these must be happy days in Detroit. Or at any rate happyish. Or leastwise whatever you experience when for once, even for a while, you find yourselves not the object of the wrath of car owners and buyers. What better time, if you happen to be a Big Three auto maker with an embarrassing splotch on your balance sheet, to perform a discreet splotchectomy? -- Ken

FEBRUARY 25, 2010

Decision to Stop Making Hummers Saddens Assholes

Douchebags Seek New Way to Compensate for Tiny Penises

DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) – General Motors’ decision yesterday to stop manufacturing Hummers has struck at the heart of the group who loved the vehicles most: America’s assholes.

Across the nation, leading assholes spoke of a sense of loss and sadness caused by the decision, and suggested that they would now be searching for new ways to compensate for their small penises.

Tracy Klugian, a realtor in Tempe, Arizona, said that he would consider buying a boat with an annoyingly loud sound system, “but it just won’t say ‘asshole’ like a Hummer does.”

Mr. Klugian, whose penis has been described as “microscopic,” also questioned the timing of GM’s decision.

“Right now, the Hummer is the only thing on the road capable of stopping a Toyota,” he said.