Tuesday, December 05, 2006

"There's nothing more Christian than refusing to do good works because you might be called a name, especially the name LIBERAL."--Stephen Colbert

>

From Monday night's Colbert Report:

Now the Christian Coalition faces its own leadership shakeup, I'm afraid. They had planned for Rev. Joel C. Hunter, the senior pastor of the Northland Church in Longwood, Florida, to take the reins of the organization in January, but after a conference call with the group's board, Hunter was forced to step down last week. Talk about a scandal! He wanted the Christian Coalition to "broaden its agenda to include reducing poverty and fighting global warming."

[Sarcastically] While you're at it, why not throw in collective farms and a five-year plan, Comrade Reverend Hunter?

Well, the Coalition told him to stick those ideas right up the old tabernacle, because, as Reverend Hunter explained, evangelical leaders were "deadly afraid of being labeled as liberal by other Christians, the media, talk radio."

Which brings us to tonight's WORD:
American Orthodox
So, the Christian Coalition are afraid they'll be called liberal. I don't blame them. After all, there's nothing more Christian than refusing to do good works because you might be called a name, especially the name liberal. Because one thing we know for sure, Jesus was a conservative.
Ascended By Own Bootstraps
After all, he hated welfare. Why do you think he was so upset when Judas took that government handout?
Thirty Pieces of Government Cheese
Even the word orthdox comes from the Latin "ortho," meaning right, and "doxa," meaning thinking, and the Christian Coalition has always thought right.
Extreme Right
It was founded by Pat Robertson, from the remnants of his failed 1988 presidential bid.
Quit To Spend More Time With Health Shake
And it pioneered the process of bringing evangelical voters to the Republican Party, with their trademark brand of traditional values.
Gay Bashing[R]
And Reverend Hunter's agenda would have been a bastardization of the Coalition's Christian message. I mean, fight global warming? Our Lord was not a tree-hugger.
Meek Shall Inherit What's Left Of The Earth
On Palm Sunday, Jesus encouraged townspeople to throw palm fronds at his feet while he rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, an animal notorious for its greenhouse-gas emissions.
Should Have Gone With Hybrid Mule
Now if Jesus was so anti-poverty, how come he didn't end poverty? I mean, he raised the dead, he let the blind see, and he made the lepers less lepery.
Apply Directly To The Forehead
No, Jesus instructed us that the poor will always be with us.
Like A Bad Penny--But Without The Penny
Now Reverend Hunter seems to want to make Jesus look like a liar.
Liar, Liar, Shroud On Fire
Now some of you are going to say, "Stephen, but Jesus said we should sell all our things and give the money to the poor." Exactly. Jesus contradicted himself a lot. It's hard to know what he means sometimes.
Need Mel Gibson To Translate
Which is why it's so important that the Christian Coalition keep its focus on two things: reproductive rights and gay marriage.
Add Flag Burning For Holy Trinity
On these subjects Jesus was very consistent. He never said a thing about either of them. So it's easy to know what he thought. Whatever the Christian Coalition says he thought. You can trust them, because no one thinks more right than them.
American Orthodox
And that's the Word.

1 Comments:

At 11:21 PM, Blogger Bil said...

Thanks k,

Colbert is so on target.

This is one of his best!

Keep em' coming!

 

Post a Comment

<< Home