Say, in the event that the speaker of the House of Representatives suddenly quits or, you know, explodes or something, who fills his pants?

All right, let's test your knowledge of American government. Even though most Americans don't know (or care) who (or what) the speaker of the House is, we know that it's really kind of an important job, not to mention being up there in the line of presidential succession. So who do you think would become the speaker if "Planet Denny" Hastert were to quit suddenly, or blow up, or spontaneously combust? Would it be:

(a) the House majority leader, in this case Ohio Rep. John Boehner (left--say it after us: "BAY-ner")

(b) the House minority leader, in this case California Rep. Nancy Pelosi

(c) the clerk of the House, somebody-or-other

(d) the chairman of the House committee that has the largest combined total of bribes and gratuities accepted and taxpayer funds stolen or siphoned off

(e) "The Donald" Trump

(f) Larry King

(g) how the hell should I know?

If you answered (g), you sure know your government!

The fact is, we don't know, we're not allowed to know, and we can jump up and down and hold our breath till Martin Luther King Day. It is, like so much else where the Republicans are concerned, a secret. We can't handle the truth!

You might assume, as I sort of did, that the House majority leader, who after all is of the speaker's party and is usually a fairly trusted sidekick, would automatically slide in. Nope. If the party's caucus has a chance to vote, that's a likely outcome. But we're talking now about when the caucus and then the full House don't have a chance to vote, like when Congress isn't in session.

The Washington Post's Charles Babington looked into the matter, and reports:

In a little-noticed action taken nearly four years ago, the House amended its rules dealing with the "continuity of Congress" in emergencies and the succession of speakers. The rule, cited recently in Roll Call, directs the speaker to "deliver to the Clerk a list of Members in the order in which each shall act as Speaker pro tempore . . . in the case of a vacancy in the office of Speaker."

Normally, "speaker pro tempore" is the title given for a few hours at a time to various members of the majority who preside over House sessions. But the rules revision made in January 2003, in response to worries about terrorist strikes that could wipe out large numbers of elected officials, appears to bestow upon a newly named replacement all the powers enjoyed by a full-time speaker elected by his peers.

That would include standing behind only the vice president in the line of presidential succession, said Sally Collins, spokeswoman for House administrators. But other House officials said it is extremely unlikely that a speaker pro tempore could assume the presidency before Congress would reconvene and elect a new speaker.

One thing is certain: The identity of the speaker-in-waiting is a closely held secret. Hastert's office declined to discuss the matter, citing security concerns, and the clerk's office confirmed only that Hastert's list is not made public.

So now you know, if you're wondering who pulls on the speaker's gargantuan pants in case of emergency, the answer is:

None of your beeswax!