Quote of the day: Stephen Colbert explains how ABC flunked President Bush's post-9/11 test (while John Oliver explains the prez to Jon Stewart)

Both The Daily Show and The Colbert Report were back from vacation last night with exceptionally strong outings. During their hiatus, among other things, The Daily Show won a couple of Emmys, and the The Colbert Report . . . er, didn't.

Naturally, our Stephen loved ABC's Path to 9/11. (In response to Richard Clarke's assertion that the scene where Clinton national security adviser Sandy Berger is too chicken to authorize the capture or killing of Osama bin Laden is "totally invented," Stephen pointed out: "Just because it's totally invented doesn't mean it isn't true.")

"Of course I do have some problems with this miniseries, namely that ABC is showing it without commercials. After the tragedy, the president told America to, quote, 'go about your business.' ABC, your business is commercials. TV without ads is just what the terrorists want. That's why they love Masterpiece Theater."
--Stephen Colbert, on his first Colbert Report as a certified Emmy loser (and to Barry Manilow, who's not even that funny)


ALSO TALKING--The Daily Show's John Oliver explains how Chimpy the Prez has been able to make us safe, but not safe

Meanwhile, The Daily Show welcomed back its brainy Brit, John Oliver (sorry, we couldn't track down a photo of him dressed nattily in jacket and tie), speaking in his distinctive (Cambridge-educated Cockney?) accent:

"George W. Bush is the right man to lead us in the era post-whatever horrible calamity he leads us into next."
--Daily Show Senior White House Correspondent John Oliver to Jon Stewart on last night's show

This was actually the climax of a long and extremely brilliant piece, which we've actually transcribed in its entirety! But since--for the benefit of new readers--the TV with the DVR where we do our transcribing is in a different room from the computer where we do our typing, the scribbled transcript still has to be deciphered and typed up. In the meantime, of course, you can probably find actual video online somewhere. (Which reminds us: The glorious John Oliver piece we transcribed awhile back, in which he confirmed Vice President Cheney's pronouncement that Ned Lamont's Connecticut Senate primary victory over Joe Lieberman had "validated" Al Qaeda, can now be seen on the Daily Show website.)

Watch this space.

HERE'S THE TRANSCRIPT

[On-screen we see Daily Show Senior White House Correspondent John Oliver, "live" from Washington, D.C., standing in front of the night-lit White House. He speaks calmly and rationally.]

JON STEWART: John, the president said we're safer, but not yet safe.

JOHN OLIVER: Jon, the truth is that since 9/11, due to the vigilance of the Bush administration, not a single major terrorist attack has taken place on U.S. soil.

[Suddenly the background is all raging fire, and John turns into a raging maniac.] But dangerous Islamo-fascists continue plotting new methods of hurting us.

JON S: You're saying the Bush administration hasn't quite yet achieved its goals for winning the war?

JOHN O [calm and rational again]: This White House has by sheer force of will secured our ports and thwarted numerous potential attacks. With Bush at the helm, Americans can rest easy.

[All hell breaks loose again.] There are murderous murderers out there with nothing but murder on their minds, and they'll stop at nothing, even m-u-r- . . . -d-e-r!

JON S: So . . . so . . . well, now . . . so, so the message then the administration sends out, as it pertains to the midterm election, is?

JOHN O [calm and rational again]: This administration has put America on the right track towards total, unprecedented safety.

JON S: So . . . so . . . when you . . .

JOHN O [fire and brimstone again]: If you vote for Democrats, you may as well give Al Qaeda a death ray and a manual!

[Turns to the side and speaks confidentially and cheerfully.] This is going better than I expected it to.

JON S: I'm sorry, John, what camera are you talking to now?

JOHN O [still confidential and cheerful]: It's my real-time blog. [Waving.] Hello, fans!

JON S [when laughter dies down]: All right . . . so, so we're safe, but we're not safe. How is that possible?

JOHN O [serious but calm and reasonable]: Well, in addition to attacking our way of life, bin Laden's waging a more subtle, sinister campaign, attacking the way we communicate. Pre-9/11, the idea of being safe without being safe would be preposterous. If you were safe, you were almost by definition safe. But bin Laden wants our country living in a netherworld between word and its antonym.

JON S: How is that even possible?

JOHN O: I hope you're sitting down. Two years ago, CIA satellite imagery revealed this—

[On-screen: an aerial photo labeled "TORA BORA."]

a secret syntactical training camp in the hills of Tora Bora,

[On the map, a circle highlights a square containing a semicolon.]

near the village of Semicolon [accented on the 2nd syllable--"Se-MEE-co-lon"], right there. Subsequent infiltration of this facility revealed this.

[On-screen: a photo of Osama bin Laden next to a blackboard with columns in English and Arabic, the English column reading:
IN DANGER
^SANGER
SAFER
SAFEST]

It appears bin Laden has been developing a new, lethally confusing form called the ossamative. This new form would, if introduced into our school system, render millions of children incapable of comparing individual things to other things in the same category. And Jon, that would be like . . . well, that'd be . . . like, uh . . . mm . . . I don't know what to compare it to . . . [highly agitated again] Ohmygod, it's happening already!

JON S: Wait, John. John, so the president says because of him, we're safe.

JOHN O: Right!

JON S: But not safe.

JOHN O: Exactly!

JON S: But his first chance to show he's learned the lessons of 9/11 was Katrina, and those were failed.

JOHN O: Yeah, that's because he had yet to learn the lessons of 8/29. And how could he possibly learn those lessons in a pre-8/29 world?

JON S: So now, post-8/29, the president . . . has made us safe from natural disasters as well?

JOHN O: We haven't been attacked by another hurricane since! The proof is in the pudding, John.

JON S: All right! In summation . . .

JOHN O: George W. Bush is the right man to lead us in the era post-whatever horrible calamity he leads us into next.

JON S: I see.

JOHN O: America, Jon, is safe.

[Fire and craziness again.] But for how long?

[Calm and reasonable again.] Jon?

JON S: Thank you very much, John Oliver from the White House.