Quote of the day: In a hurry? It won't take a second to fill you in on what our "updated" plan for fighting terrorism has to say about Osama bin Laden

"[Silence.]"
--from the newly released update of our official plan for fighting terrorism [pictured here is, uh, some guy; he looks vaguely familiar, doesn't he? but somehow we just can't seem to place the face--if you happen to recognize him . . . ah, nobody cares]

That's right. As David Sanger and John O'Neil report in the New York Times, "The White House today released an updated version of its plan for combating terrorism that focused more on decentralized networks of extremists than on Al Qaeda and that singled out Iran as a potential source of unconventional weapons for terrorist groups." But . . .

"[A]bsent from the report was any mention of Osama bin Laden. Instead, it recounted among the administration’s successes that 'most of those in the Al Qaeda network responsible for the Sept. 11 attacks, including the plot’s mastermind, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, have been captured or killed.'"

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the official launch of the 2006 Republican congressional campaign! Because, after all, nothing on earth is more important than keeping Congress in friendly hands to enable the New American Plutocracy to continue pursuing its divinely ordained mission of raping and pillaging the country at large.

The biggest unanswered question is whether the Bush administration's campaign of terror against the American electorate will require bombing Iran, or will it be enough to scare us into thinking that Iran is the cause of all our problems? Either way it's pretty hilarious coming from George W. Bush, who has done more than any other person in history to make Iran a danger to us.

Or it would be hilarious if any of this were the least bit funny--if it didn't look more and more as if the goons who installed the imbecile George in the White House are prepared once again to flout the apparently uniform judgment of our informed military leaders that military action against Iran is deeply ill-advised and likely to produce unfortunate results.

Of course by singling Iran out as our mortal enemy, the imbecile George does as much as anyone outside the country could do to strengthen the hand of wacko President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Why, they form a veritable Axis of Imbecility, do Mahmoud and our Little George.

So if you have any clue as to the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden, keep it to yourself. It appears now that he's a representative of "Old Terrorism," as "yesterday" as Old Europe.

Unless, that is, you can arrange a photo op of Osama in captivity in his underwear. In that case, phone anyone you know and say, "We've got to get this information to the vice president." His people are probably listening to your calls anyway.


AFTERTHOUGHT--A paradox, a paradox, a most ingenious paradox

I was pondering the plight of poor Osama bin Laden, toppled so ignominiously from his lofty perch as No. 1 on the Galaxy's Most Wanted List, reflecting that if the guy's got an ego of any kind--and let's face it, who doesn't?--he's probably stewing in his cave about his loss of status, and what he would have to do to get back in the face of the galactic Decider.

He could, of course, mastermind some nasty, monumental act of terrorism. But apparently we've blocked him from doing that, by . . . well, as best I can tell, by saying, "Now don't you dare, Mr. Big Shot, you!" Short of that, his best shot at regaining his old standing as Enemy of Freedom No. 1 is to get captured. Should that happen, just watch how quickly he becomes more evil and dangerous than ever before!


UPDATE: BUSH'S PALS IN PAKISTAN TO BIN LADEN-- WELCOME BROTHER!

Literally! Osama bin Laden, America's most wanted man, will not face capture in Pakistan if he agrees to lead a "peaceful life," Pakistani officials tell ABC News. The surprising announcement comes as Pakistani army officials announced they were pulling their troops out of the North Waziristan region as part of a "peace deal" with the Taliban. If he is in Pakistan, bin Laden "would not be taken into custody," Major General Shaukat Sultan Khan told ABC News in a telephone interview, "as long as one is being like a peaceful citizen."