MY TENANTS/OUR TENANTS

I have a beautiful old stone house in rural Pennsylvania built in the late 1700s by the founder of the small town. It's really nice but it was a mistake for me to buy it. I don't like the area enough to want to live there. So I've been hoping to sell it-- hoping against hope, as it turns out-- for 3 years. After lots of losses I decided to rent it out while I was trying to sell it. The current tenants came in all high and mighty-- it is that kind of a house-- claiming to be friends of David Geffen's and how they would be having his former Portuguese houseboy take care of the place and how they would be upgrading this and upgrading that. The first rent check bounced. And so did every rent check after that. The bounced checks came with a series of aggressively blatant lies which grew more and more bizarre as time passed. Eventually I told them I wouldn't take their checks and they had to pay with a certified bank check. Did you know that even a minimally skillful forger could make one of those on their PC? Neither did I. I found out the hard way. That forged check is now in the hands of the Secret Service. "The Secret Service?!!?!???" you say? How did the Secret Service get involved? Don't they only protect the president and vice president and work on counterfeit currency cases? Yes; did I neglect to mention that on the day before the first eviction hearing the tenants agreed to pay in cash? And that some of the cash was in counterfeit hundred dollar bills? Also now in the hands of the Secret Service. Nevertheless, the tenants are still in the house, months and months arrears in rent payments and utility bills. Lord only knows what damages have been done since they have never allowed my agent into the house. Their two (leased) Hummers are parked in the driveway.

I've tried everything. Needless to say I don't have real names or social security numbers from these two crooks. The law authorities in Pennsylvania aren't eager to get involved with tenant/landlord cases. So the drama stretches on. Next Monday is eviction day. One of my neighbors, Cynthia, brought up an unpleasant thought today. Although they haven't paid rent or utilities, these two horrible people see themselves, on some level, as victims. Cynthia thinks that they are likely to strike out and to steal whatever is stealable (like 18th and 19th century accessories). Sure enough they have been sending threatening letters to my agent and her boss claiming they are suing, etc.

So why am I sharing all this? Well, I like to share. AND, my friend Jim sent me an interesting article a few days ago that stuck in my craw and came back today when I was dealing with these thieving tenants. It made me think of the thieving tenants in the White House or, should I say, in the Executive Branch of government (or, more to the point, the thieving tenants all over DC). The actual article was about how DeLay used the pathetic energy pork bill to funnel $1.5 billion in taxpayer money to poor struggling Halliburton. DeLay and cronies could rake off as much as $100 million from this nice pork pie! DeLay surreptitiously added the $1.5 billion giveaway after Democratic congressional negotiators went home last Tuesday at 4 a.m. believing a deal had been finalized and that particular chunk of pork wasn't in the bill. The program was not included in the draft version of the bill and a DeLay spokesman lied, saying "he could not explain how the item was added to the final version of legislation prepared by the Senate and House negotiators." Quite the mystery; and I thought MY tenants were bad! Meanwhile oil and gas profits have soared and their net income for 2005 will be approximately $230 billion. Their contributions to crooked politicians-- mostly, but not exclusively-- in the Republican Party have also soared. And like my awful tenants trying to smear my agent to her boss and threatening to sue her, DeLay has attacked Henry Waxman for uncovering his outrageous behavior.

After seeing GOP polling numbers sinking and sinking and after watching a 70% GOP congressional district in Ohio turn into a 52% district on Tuesday, it is clear that the GOP sees the end approaching. And like Cynthia warned me about my tenants, these temporary occupiers of our government will rob and steal everything they can get their paws on on the way out. I continue to marvel that no one is interested in reporting or investigating (soon-to-be-ex-) Congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham selling presidential pardons to felons for $400,000 a pop.