Conspiracy Fantasists! Felons! FOX "News" Goons! Freaks Of All Kinds! Get Ready For The 2020 Republican Con-Vention!

-by Noah

It's almost convention time! Now that Donnie Psycho's COVID-19 indifference has spread the virus so bigly, tremendously, and powerfully, that he has been bigly, tremendously, and powerfully forced to bigly, tremendously, and, powerfully alter his 2020 Republican Death Cult Freakfest, his bigly, tremendously, and powerfully organized campaign loon staff are bigly, tremendously, and powerfully putting together a bigly, tremendously, and powerfully not so exciting con-vention that will blend virtual and in person speeches, workshops, and events. We at DWT feel bigly, tremendously, and powerfully privileged to have received an outline of some of the Republican National Committee's planned features. As usual, masks are verboten. Here's a tentative schedule that we have obtained from Barack Obama's spies and can reveal at this time:

• Day One: Opening night benedictions from an undisclosed location by famed Alabama Judge Roy Moore, Ghislaine Maxwell, and Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan. Then the Ceremony Of The Burning Cross, a ceremony in which a runner who has run with a burning cross all of the way from Selma, Alabama to the White House lawn marks the official beginning of the festivities. After that, William "Jabba The Fixer" Barr will deliver a PowerPoint lecture on how to build a Third World legal system and circumvent existing laws and the Constitution itself. Melania Trump will then take a few minutes off from fantasizing about Justin Trudeau and close the evening with a speech entitled "America, I really Don't Care, Do You?"

• Day Two, Morning Session: Oh Bondage, Up Yours! Mike Pence and Lindsey Graham will lead a live, in person demonstration on how to build a Backyard Detention Center using nothing but dog cages and plastic barrels easily purchased online. "Mother" will appear but not speak.

• Day Two, Afternoon Session: In Putin We Trust! Moscow Mitch McConnell and Devin Nunes will deliver a ZOOM lecture on the aims of Republican foreign policy. Vladimir Putin will join in as a special honored guest.

• Day Two, Night Session: TBD? Lots of secrecy around this one! All we know at press time is that the Tuesday night session will involve Don Jr. and Eric. You know they'll come up with something great! The suspense is killing us!

• Day Three, Morning Session: A Cornucopia of Conspiracies! Trump Medal Of Freedom winner Rush Limbaugh, Roger Stone, and Alex Jones will lead a hot ZOOM Webinar discussion of the latest in Republican conspiracy theories. Be there early. Session begins at 4:00am and runs 'til noon! Crushed Adderall and Meth will be available for all attendees! Topics touched on will include Alien DNA and Demon Sperm, plus old favorites about Obama's birth certificate (with Special Guest Pam Geller). Obama being secretly gay, Michelle Obama being secretly a man, Chem Trails, Cancer causing windmills, Migrant Caravans. Child Labor Camps On Mars, Pizza Palace Pedophiles, The Deep State, Justice Scalia Was Murdered, Mail-In Ballots And Other Voter Fraud, Hillary Murdered Vince Foster, What About Her Emails, Cruz's Dad Killed JFK, Fake Hurricane Death Tolls, The Bowling Green Massacre, Jersey City Muslims Cheering 9/11, Crisis Actors At School Shootings, Newtown Never Happened, Black People Killing South African Farmers For Their Land, Jade Helm, CrowdStrike, The Great COVID Hoax, Trump Tower Wiretaps and much, much more! Q Anon will join in via twitter only.

• Day Three, Afternoon Session: The Confederate Hall Of Heroes! Obama's spies tell us the afternoon session will feature a tour of the new Confederate Hall Of Heroes and a Hamberder Picnic now being eagerly assembled by Trump staff in the White House State Room, led by Ivanka Trump dressed up as Miss Find Something New. Ivanka is showing the staff how to build a tent for "social distancing" using just brooms. Plexiglas and extra fine linen sheets. After the virtual convention, the sheets will be charitably donated to her father's favorite chapters of the KKK.

• Day Three, Night Session: North Korea's Kim Jong-un will lead a special, by invitation only, demonstration on how easily he and his agents can and will hack American voting machines using a list of key voting precincts provided by Trump himself. Mike Lindell, aka the My Pillow guy, will introduce Mr. Kim.

• Day Four (FOX "News" Day!). Please note: All FOX "News" Day sessions will be held in an arena. Site to be determined. Platters of GOYA beans, GOYA appetizers, GOYA entrees, and GOYA smoothies will be served. Be sure to arrive on time. Doors close promptly and tightly at 8:15am. Masks are strictly forbidden: Morning Session: Starting at 8:30am, Laura Ingraham will begin the day by leading a 1/2 hour workshop for all Republican delegates on the proper way to do a "Heil Hitler" salute. Attendance is mandatory. All delegates, congressmen and Senators will attend and master the salute, or else. The rest of the morning (and into the afternoon) will feature a whining 8 hour "Best Of White Supremacy" harangue by Tucker "TikI Torch" Carlson. A large FOX "News" Burning Cross Candle™ will be featured and a "Black Lives Don't Mean Shit" banner has already been made and delivered personally to Carlson for use as a backdrop.

• Day Four (FOX "News" Day!), Special 4 Hour Cocktail Time Session: Sean Hannity will lead a discussion with Der Homeland Security Kaiser Wolf on the use of United States military troops and paramilitary groups against United States citizens. Hannity's homemade GOYA Bean Wine and more GOYA delights will be served! Topics will include "How To Disappear Anybody" and how to take over a state legislature. A reenactment of the armed shutdown of the Michigan legislature will follow. All assault weapons will be fully loaded to give this get together a real sense of excitement! Bring your MAGA earplugs! Bring your own assault rifles and, definitely, gas masks!

• Day Four (Fox "News" Day!), Night Session: Rudy Giuliani will deliver a 4 hour address in his underwear. Plastic sheeting and hazmat clothing will be supplied for those filming the event in a remote studio, location unknown but probably somewhere in Ukraine.

• Day Five: On day five, our psychopathic president will give his bigly, tremendously powerful self-aggrandizing and self-loving acceptance speech via Zoom from the oval office in the newly named GOYA Beans White House Corruption Centre in a language known only to him. Then, when the speech is finally over, a few select republican notables in KKK outfits will beat paper mache likenesses of Dr. Anthony Fauci with baseball bats.