Sunday, February 11, 2018

For Republican Valentines Day: Need Some Candy, Little Girlie?


-by Noah

Republicans have a big problem this Valentines Day. I'm talking about a pertinent detail of a potential 2018 blue wave (assuming the Dems don't screw it up, which I'm sure they will find a way to do). Elections that have been held so far this year show women are abandoning the Repug Party even after so many of them voted for their beloved racist, misogynist Trumpanzee. So, I've been hearing that Republican men are finding themselves putting down their clubs and asking eachother, "Me want woman. How me get one now?"

It's a real quandary for Republican men. What to give that female co-worker they've been leering at? Pinching their ass and making big wet kissy noises as they walk by just doesn't seem to work anymore, Maybe not even in the White House. Just ask Rob Porter. Trump and the First Lady? Don't even go there.

How does a hetero Republican male get their very own dream girl Stormy Daniels? Well, it looks like Republicans have found the perfect solution! has what Republicans need. No, I'm not talking about double-pronged, red, white, and blue dildos. knows that Republican women are ambivalent about sex at best but they all love, and I mean love, candy. This candy is called Trump Hearts. What makes this candy so special to Repugs is what's printed on each one; things like "Fake News," "Huuge," even "U R Fired." is marketing their candy under the slogan "Make Candy Great Again," so be careful if you give it to a woman named Candy. She may happen to think she's great without your attention.

So, if you're a Republican man looking for a traditional Valentines Day gift of candy to give someone, try Trump Hearts. Word has it that SeƱor Trumpanzee has already switched to Trump Hearts for the one he loves the most, himself. He's planning on using them instead of his beloved Tic-Tacs.

Buy some today. $130,000 not included.

And now, a brief parting word to Republican women who might receive such a fine gift from that Republican man in your life: Make sure you hide your gift candy from other Republicans. You know how greedy they are. If you're not careful, you'll end up with nothing but just a few sugary crumbs in the bottom of your empty box before you know it. Also, don't expect these candy hearts to indicate that your Republican man has a real heart to give. The candy is it. Expect nothing more. There's nothing else coming from your "empty barrel" of a Republican man, except a likely black eye. Hell, if I know why you'd take him seriously in the first place.



Post a Comment

<< Home