Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Crackpot Utopia: The Year in Republican Crazy, Part 8


• Things to come: Forward into the past! (11 Presidential Dream Tickets)
• Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 9: Former republican VP nominee Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan
• Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 10: Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association

You Can't Make This Stuff Up Dept.: On FOX "News" for March 3, "America's Mayor" makes known his preference for Vladimir Putin over President Obama: "Putin makes a decision, and he executes it, quickly. . . . That's what you call a leader." (See Presidential Dream Ticket #2.)

Crackpot Utopia: A dream world as envisioned by republicans; a manifestation or expression of the deranged, warped alternate universe inhabited by republicans, at least in their minds. See also: Bachmannism, Boehneresque.

by Noah

1. Things To Come: Forward Into The Past!

In the last installment of "Crackpot Utopia," I went on about how the 2016 Republican Primary Freak Show has already begun in 2014 with the absolute nuttery of Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, a man who is so highly thought of in republican minds that he is considered presidential material and was once even given the honor of presenting the annual on-air rebuttal to President Obama's State of the Union speech.

Did you think that the last presidential election cycle's republican primary season was the biggest freak show you'd ever seen? Well, it seems that this event gets freakier every time, as many of the old faces, and some new ones, start jockeying for position.

Since it's already begun, I've decided to take the leap and take a guess at what the Crackpot Party and their media allies will be touting as their Ideal Republican Presidential Tickets and Slogans!

Are the following really all that far-fetched? Are they ravings of a fantasist, perhaps? Well, to understand crazy, it helps to adopt a bit of crazy and try to put your mind in the crackpot mode, so . . . always remember that to the republican mind, what you are about to read is completely rational and logical. These people are thought quite normal and are perfectly acceptable candidates for Leader of the Free World -- if and when you look through republican eyes. In fact, to republicans these Dream Tickets are the inevitable wonderful result of the entire 6000 years of human history.

Presidential Dream Ticket #1: Palin-Zimmerman
"Straight-Shootin' Common-Sense Solutions"

Begone, Joe the Plumber (already designated Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 5)! Now Sarah will team up with an even more appropriate "Country First"-er, George Zimmerman.

Sarah and George -- perhaps America's two biggest attention whores on one ticket! Secession meets "stand your ground." Nice conflict, eh? First campaign stop will be Jefferson Davis State Park in Kentucky. Last campaign stop will be the loony bin, if they don't kill each other first, although once they get an endorsement from O.J. Simpson, their campaign will be toast.

Presidential Dream Ticket #2: Vladimir Putin-Vlad the Impaler
"Bare-Chested Men of Action!"

Meet the man behind Dracula: Vlad the Impaler.

Think about it: Who better represents republican feelings toward gays and poor people? So many repugs, especially those on FOX, adore Putin; Rudy Juliandrews is on record as wishing he was our leader instead of President Obama. Yeah, I know that neither of the fine republican icons on Dream Ticket #2 was born in the U.S.A., but republicans will use their belief that President Obama wasn't either as a twisted precedent. The problem with Vlad the Impaler being dead for centuries? It's the thought that counts.

Presidential Dream Ticket #3: Cheney-Cheney
"Have a Heart? No, Really, Have a Heart?"

Smile, Dick 'n' Liz! Oh, you are smiling?

It's Dick and Liz! No, not Burton and Taylor. Something else entirely, and much, much crazier.

Presidential Dream Ticket #4: Bush-Bush
"Had Enough?"

Where's Marvin? L-to-r: Neil Bush, George W. Bush, "Poppy" George H.W. Bush, and John Ellis Bush (aka Jeb)

Jeb and either Marvin or Neil, the brothers behind the scenes. Could Jeb win Florida if all those crackers found out his real name isn't Jeb? More importantly, do countries and empires commit suicide? Yes, they do. Such things have been going on at least since ancient Egypt, the Romans, and a myriad of European monarchies. If America were to elect another son of America's biggest crime family, then history will have repeated itself yet again. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Be forewarned.

Presidential Dream Ticket #5: Santorum-Mr. Rogers
"It's a Good Day in the Neighborhood!"

Rick and… does Mr. Rogers even have a first name? [Yes, it's Fred. -- Ed.] Can you tell them apart? I have to be honest. I can't. The only thing is that I've never heard Mr. Rogers talk about banning contraception. Imagine them in matching sweater vests replete with those nifty Seal of the Office of… badges. Can you say "Good morning Mr. President"?

Presidential Dream Ticket #6: Kelly-Hannity
"Santa's white; Jesus is white; anyone that matters is white"

Why not two of FOX's leading white supremacists, Megyn 'n' Sean? Is that a winning slogan or what? Such a ticket is the dream of the old, white "Get off my lawn" set. Expect former L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling to contribute big racist bucks to this one!

Probably Hannity won't like playing second fiddle to one of them female critters. But Republicans generally will be able to forgive the fact that Megyn Kelly is of the female persuasion and enjoy fantasizing of her baking nice warm cookies in the big white house. The party has proven that they will occasionally accept nonwhite males as long as they are even more out-to-lunch than the usual insane republican. Her "I'm a victim" card-playing is also just the kind of thing that tugs at the strings of their blackened hearts.

This ticket is also the logical end game of years of FOX insanity. For Hannity, with his audience dying off and his ratings spiraling down to earth like an old biplane with a dead engine, there's likely to be a job hunt coming soon. If he doesn't get the VP gig, he'll be left with a choice of cutting ribbons at Chinese auto factories or forming a cruise line called KKK Kruises and burning crosses on the high seas for the rest of his deranged, hate-filled days.

Presidential Dream Ticket #7: Hannity-Bundy
"Let Me Tell You About the Negro!"

Stephen Colbert sings "The Ballad of Cliven Bundy": "His land belongs to you and me. That's what he told Sean Hannity." (The video segment is below.)

Not to pick on Hannity too much, but actually I don't think that's possible. I have to say I'd rather see large birds picking at him in the hot sun of Death Valley instead of me, but why wait for that?

This already-paired ticket is a natural and may appeal to more Republicans than the team of Sean and Megyn, for many reasons, not the least of which is that Megyn Kelly is a, well, you know, as I said, one o' dem woman critters. Not to worry, in the republican house there are many racists. That Hannity and Bundy share a mutual love for the ages that even surpasses Cranky McCain and Lindsey Graham will help with party fanatics, but, even more than that, pairing a barely closeted white supremacist with the "Let me tell you about the Negro" guy should be downright inspiring to rebubbacans everywhere!

Presidential Dream Ticket #8: McConnell-Graham
"Let's Dress Up, America!"

Yeah, Ol' Cranky McCain will be the jealous, fuming odd man out in this triangle as Mitch walks down the aisle with Lindsey, but he'll always have the memories of those wonderful nights of Palin's pillow talk about secession and her bomb-making secessionist buddy Joe Miller.

Presidential Dream Ticket #9: Cruz-Perry
"Texas Squared!"

None other than the brilliant Glenn Beck regards Ted Cruz as the next Ronald Reagan. You can't get a better endorsement than that! Sure, most republicans would rather just dig up the real Reagan and reanimate him. After all, zombies are hot these days. As to putting Perry on the ticket? Well, if you're a repug, why not? Republicans like David Carney, top adviser to then-candidate (now-Texas Gov.-elect Greg Abbott) thought Abbott's opponent, Harvard-educated lawyer Wendy Davis, was "too stupid to be Governor." So they must think Perry is a genius who was elected and reelected to the position.

Presidential Dream Ticket #10: Robertson-Robertson
"Who's on Top?" (this one is interchangeable)

The only question: Would Duck Dynasty's Phil, who says among other things that AIDS was sent from God as a punishment, and also believes the old republican chestnut about being gay being the slippery slope to bestiality, be the top, or would geezer Reverend Pat be? (Republicans sure seem to spend a lot of time thinking about sex with animals, don't they?)

Does it matter which Robertson tops this ticket? Either way it's "A Dynasty of Robertsons." This ticket is a match made in republican heaven and normal people's hell. Republicans consider both men to be godly and nonjudgmental men. Newtie once said of Phil Robertson:
He talks very specifically about not being judgmental toward anybody. . . . There's sections there [in his sermon] where he sounds like Pope Francis.
Duck Boy is not judgmental? Well, Newtie's cheese fell off the cracker long ago. Seeing certifiables like Rudy Giuliani, Herman Cain, and Rick Santorum get more love from republican primary voters probably pushed him off the final precipice. Not judgmental? Yeah, coulda fooled me. Here's Duck Boy preaching from the pulpit of the dark heart:

Sounds and looks more like bin Laden to me. Maybe I should just do a bait-and-switch on Duck Boy and make him run with Pat from Saturday Night Live instead of Pat Robertson. The confusion and consternation about his new running mate would make him explode.

And last, but certainly not least:

Presidential Dream Ticket #11: Rand Paul-Darrell Issa
"Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi to the End of Time!"

If this ticket wins, one day President Rand Paul will mysteriously disappear. It could happen in one of two ways. Either the presidential limo will be stolen with him in it, driven to New Jersey and pressed into one of those shiny metal cubes, or the White House will be burned to the ground, under very suspicious circumstances. Ladys and Gents, meet President Issa.

2. Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 9: Former republican VP nominee Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan, who has his own "Let me tell you about the Negro" moment:
We have got this talespin of culture, in our inner cities in particular, of men not working and just generations of men not even thinking about working or learning the value and the culture of work, and so there is a real culture problem here that has to be dealt with.
Oh yeah, there's a culture problem all right. It's the culture of being a republican and the innate racism that goes with that. Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan adheres to that old "lazy, shiftless Negro" meme. They even use it on President Obama whenever he takes a vacation. How many days a year do you and your lazy-ass, do-nothing congressional colleagues work, Paulie? Congress worked a grand total of 135 days in 2014, with no productivity to show for it. Of course, work to people like Ryan consists of badgering people for handouts of free campaign cash. They do panhandling on a galactic scale for "a living." Who the hell are you to talk, a-hole?

3. Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 10: Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association
The bottom line is that if Hillary Clinton becomes president in 2016, she will not only be our first female president, she could be our first lesbian president.
Well, yeah, I guess since all the other presidents have been men the chances of any of those particular presidents having been lesbians is way down. So, if a woman does get elected, the chances do increase somewhat.

Glenn Beck went even further with this notion of a lesbian in the Oval Office.

Sez Glenn: "Hillary Clinton will be having sex with a woman on the desk in the White House if it becomes popular."

Republicans sure get all riled up about this sex stuff. It's some sort of republican OCD thing.

TOMORROW IN PART 9: Pompous Blowhard of the Year Award: Bill O’Reilly; FOX "News" announces new spinoff: The FOX Benghazi Shopping Channel!; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 11: DiGiorno Pizza

Crackpot Utopia: The Year in Republican Crazy

Part 1: Princess Liz Cheney tries for the Smoothie of the Year Award; "Miss Beck regrets" -- Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 1: Glenn Beck; and the Crackpot Party reacts to President Obama’s State of the Union speech [12/19/2014]
Part 2: Republicans wonder why normal people call them racists; Sean Hannity wants to self-deport; and the First Annual Mr. Burns Award, to ABC "shark" Kevin O'Leary [12/20/2014]
Part 3: Using fear, loathing, and paranoia to sell stuff; Arizona legalizes crack!; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 3: Bill O’Reilly [12/21/2014]
Part 4: A celebration of Michele Bachmann: Pray away the crazy?; What "War on Women"?; and the "Obama angle" on Malaysian Flight 370 [12/22/2014]
Part 5: The GOP and the kiss heard 'round the world; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 5: Joe the Plumber [12/23/2014]
Part 6: A word about South Carolina; Pat Robertson and his magic asteroid; and I'll have a pack of Twizzlers and an IUD to go, please [12/24/2014]
Part 7: And so it begins: The running of the buffoons; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 7, George Will has no idea what rape is; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 8, Rick Wiles calls for a coup [12/29/2014]
Part 8: Things to come: Forward into the past! (11 Presidential Dream Tickets); Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 9: Former republican VP nominee Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 10: Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association [12/30/2014]
Part 9: Pompous Blowhard of the Year Award: Bill O’Reilly; FOX "News" announces new spinoff: the "FOX Benghazi™" Shopping Channel!; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 11: DiGiorno Pizza [12/31/2014]
Part 10: Newsmax -- Beyond Drudgery; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominees Nos. 12 and 13: Michele Bachmann, Kimberly Guilfoyle [1/1/2015]
Part 11: GOP and FOX whip up the hate over a POW exchange; and Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 14: Iowa asylum escapee Rep. Steve King [1/3/2015]
Part 12: Arizona Republican protests busload of YMCA campers; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee(s) No. 15: the Impeachment Variations (group nomination); Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 16: NM Rep. Steve Pearce [1/4/2015]
Part 13 (and last): TV for Dummies: Sarah Palin launches her own channel; Crazyspeak of the Year nominee No. 17: Arizona schools superintendent John Huppenthal (rhymes with Neanderthal); and the final Crazyspeak of the Year nominee -- and also the winner! [1/5/2015]

A Prayer to the Janitor of Lunacy

For listings and links, see Part 1 of this year's series.

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