The Big Republican Menu of Fear: It's What's for Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

They long to bathe in fear forever and ever, don't they?
For Republicans, it's "so much to fear, so little time."

by Noah

Reality can be a scary place for anyone, but if you have chosen to be a Republican, you have chosen a lifestyle that comes with its own bonus fears. Are you addicted to fear? If you are a Republican, fear is the only time you look ahead. If you are a Republican, it's bad enough that you live in a world --

* where your child might learn about sex sometime before their 25th birthday

* where so many people eat "strange" food and don't look "like you"

* where same-sex couples just throw it in your face and flaunt their happiness

* where "others" might get a fair chance to compete with you

* where those same "others" have a vote that counts just the same as yours

* and where "they" don't have to wait in line for nine hours just to cast that vote.

If you're a Republican, it's so much to fear, so little time. The end of the year is rushing towards you -- maybe even the end of the world now that you-know-who has been reelected. The Big Republican Menu of Fear is a Big Cornucopia of Fear. Here are some of the key fears you can choose from for 2013 (if there is a 2013!), though we know that you, being a greedy, self-consumed Repug, will want them all -- all, all, every last damn one!

Chances are you already subscribe to these fears. If so, it's time to renew! Don't miss a one! You don't want 2013 to be even one day less scary than 2012. Imagine a world where every damn night can be just like this past November 6! You long to bathe in fear forever and ever, don't you?  It's who you are. Go ahead, choose. You know about choosing, don't you?

1. Freeze-dried stem sells in a can

2. A well-preserved newspaper from more than 6000 years ago

3. Morning-after-pill vending machines

4. A Solyndra investment that paid off

5. Ann Coulter's Brazilian medical bills exposed for all to see

6. Unionized Black Panthers

7. Legalized pot for all

8. More electric cars

9. The discovery of intelligent life on another planet, which has no god or religion

10. Gideon-placed Korans in every hotel room

11. Glenn Beck grows a beard and converts to Islam

12. Hillary Clinton beats Jeb Bush in 2016

13. Obamacare saves the life of a 4-year-old girl with a heart defect

14. Our computer voting machines are sold for scrap like those in Ireland and Italy

15. Alabama turns blue

16. An energy company starts drilling or fracking in your yard

17. Linen companies stop making white sheets

18. Fireproof books

19. Mitch McConnell decides that he just feels more comfortable on the Senate floor wearing a dress

20. Sarah Palin gets eaten by a mama grizzly

21. Intervention and/or psychiatric care, imposed on you by your family, free or not.

22. Homosexual Merit Badges for Boy Scouts

23. Free cancer screenings

24. Planned Parenthood Center kiosks in a drugstore near you

25. Automatic voter registration for all citizens upon their 18th birthday

26. Another black man in the White House

27. A gay president and his husband in the White House in this century

28. A gay president and her wife in the White House, next century

29. President Keith Ellison

30. True democracy instead of oligarchy.

31. Forget Todd Aiken -- suddenly women's bodies can biologically shut down any unwanted pregnancy

32. Liberty and justice for all

33. Jesus stops showing up on your grilled-cheese sandwiches

34. Your kid joins his schoolmate's mariachi band

35. Witches aren't real

36. That Muslim cab driver who brought you home last night now knows exactly where you live

37. Damn Hollywood liberals!

38. Other people having sex

39. Secret Muslims under the bed

40. Real Muslims (a) under the bed, (b) in your town, (c) on your street, or (d) anywhere within 60 miles of you


God, I'm so glad I'm not a Republican. Not only would I be miserable in this life, but I'd be burning in Hell in the next one.  Sweet dreams!

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