Great Last-Minute Gift Ideas for Brainwashed Delusional Tools

Is it a Christmas miracle, Holy Father? No, actually
it's just a plate of Grilled Cheesus (see No. 2 below).

by Noah

You know whom I’m talking about. Republicans like to make a big deal about gifts. They’re against them -- for others, that is. Repugs dwell on the idea that someone they look down upon might be getting "something for nothing," or even just something, even if it's a constitutional right like voting or a chance to earn a scholarship. But we all know that for Republicans, it's all about Me, Me, Me and Greed, Greed, Greed!

So if for some strange reason you have a Republican on your gift list, you might want to consider giving one of the great gifts gathered below. You could even tear a page from the Repug Manifesto and steal it back -- you know, just like the neo-fascist Michigan legislature would!

That deluded, FOX-brainwashed person on your list may not be high enough on the income scale to be collecting "free stuff" like corporate welfare, tax loopholes, or taxpayer-funded subsidy handouts, but I can tell you one thing you already know anyway: They definitely feel entitled to More, More, More, and we are expected to Give, Give, Give.


1. The Propel Remote Control Skywriter UFO! 

This useful item is a small combo of a whirlygig and UFO. Picture a little battery-run toy UFO with helicopter blades.

It’s suitable for flying around your living room -- or, better yet, the dining room -- when those relatives you're forced to tolerate for a few hours once a year come to darken your abode. Plus, it comes with a sky message feature, which you can change in seconds from a hand-held device! Imagine being able to answer the mindless crap your Republican relatives spout off about without actually speaking to them! This toy was made for me! It's made for them too, since, all but a few Republicans seem to believe that they are abducted and anally probed by aliens on a regular basis. Of course, they'll probably try to fire off a few rounds in your house and shoot it down. But rest assured, home drone technology is on the way, and dinner dogfights will be in the news before you know it!


2. Make Your Own Grilled Cheese Jesus!

Rob and Meg, "a young couple from Brooklyn, NY that LOVES grilled chesse and are pretty sure Jesus was an awesome guy," concocted
this electric sandwich iron to make Grilled Cheesus.

Yes, with this easy-to-use press you can make your very own Grilled Cheesus!

"War on Christmas," my ass! What better gift can you get that insufferable wackjob relative or coworker for whom the twisted reality of FOX "News" is second only to twisting the meaning of the Bible? Imagine that you had to be Secret Santa for some insufferable bore like Bill O'Reilly or Mike Hackabee or at least some deluded fool that hangs on their every nihilistic shuck and jive utterance. You can’t buy them ammo -- the gun shops were already sold out of that before President Obama got reelected. A camouflage dildo? They probably already have one. In fact, I think O'Reilly has an endorsement deal.


3. The Whine-o-Tax Automatic Tax-Computer!

Sure, no one likes to pay taxes, but, no one can bitch about taxes like that bozo Republican uncle who'd rather be spending the money on ammo before President Obama outlaws it! Whining about taxes is one of those things that Republicans do best. They take the prize! Us normal folks, however, appreciate things like a smooth interstate highway and safe water, even if such things might smack of the dreaded socialism.

Unlike the previous two items, I'm not 100 percent sure that this handy potential stocking-stuffer really exists, but it damn well should. I can at least report that I have received pictures of it in my e-mail. And if it comes via the interwebs, it must be real! Besides, if it doesn't exist yet, it will soon. Can anyone rationally deny that there's a serious need for this product? American enterprise will heed the call.


4. An All-Expense-Paid Hunting Trip with Ted Nugent!
(Also available: deluxe option with Dick Cheney)

The Nuge with, um, some other gun-lovin' nutjob

Still stuck for a gift idea? At ease, my friends! For Republicans, a Second Amendment Solution is the cure for any problem! Better yet, things might be so bad, you'll want to forget the Nuge and go with the Dick Cheney option. His aim was bad before, but now he's gotten older and even crazier.

Repugs love to go a-huntin', especially if the quarry is tied down so you don't really have to hunt for it -- or, in the case of birds, penned up in a cage until the glorious moment when they're set free so you can ready, aim, fire. If you're feeling especially nasty, you might also provide a deer Snuggie complete with antlers. Even better, just get the target of your largess a lifetime of mental health care with the local Psychiatric Mobile Unit, paid for by Obamacare, of course.

5. The Fetus Cookie Cutter!

We all like cookies. Even Republicans like cookies. Repugs especially can't resist any opportunity for gluttony! Why not give that Repug on your gift list a nice plate of cookies?

Just offer it up and watch them squirm as the recognition of what they're about to bite into dawns on them. Watch them get all conflicted as the delicious smell of fresh-baked fetus wafts through their pig-like nostrils. Want to let them off the hook? Just tell them that the fetuses are going to be poor lower-class kids and watch them just wolf them down in an instant! Telling them that the cookies are meant not for them but for lower-class kids will work just as well.

6. The Gift of Nothing!

Lastly, what could better say how you feel about that Republikook that soils your life than the Gift of Nothing!

As the package says: "Nothing is sacred." "Nothing is precious." "Nothing is simple." The beauty of this gift is that, since it's a tangible item, it really sends a message. Without this, the object of your contempt might think that you just forgot them or your gift got lost by a post office that is continually downsized as a result of the 2006 Republican Congress.

#