LET THE GAMES BEGIN

What we need is a country for war games. Now, hear me out. Just imagine it, one big expanse of land that is dedicated to pissing matches of monumental proportions. “Islamic Extremism meet Christian Right Wing nuts. Zionists meet Mel Gibson.” Don’t tell me this is not a good idea. We all know this would be fabulous.

Think of it, George Bush in battle garb leading his fearless troops. I get chills just thinking about it. What a battle that would be. Woo Hoo. Once and for all Rush Limbaugh could put his hind end where his mouth is. He could be the general leading the right wing political pundits like O’Reilly, Hannity, and Cavuto. Man oh man, what a mental picture this is conjuring up. Instead of Bill O’Reilly’s phony baloney war on Christmas, he could be treated to the real thing. I can just imagine the acts of heroism and the medals will be flying off the shelves and onto the chests of these paragons of mealy mouthed manhood.

Pat Robertson could be the aging general of the Christian Right brigade. Dobson’s host of followers, and Falwell’s marching into battle would be a sight to behold. I got goose-bumps. No doubt they will vanquish the foe if their fighting is half as fierce as their rhetoric. Don’t forget the TBN crowd. Wee doggies. Trinity Buttkicking Network, that is the new battalion. Tim LaHaye could see what “last days” really are like and Gary Bauer can make motivational Christian battle training tapes for the faithful forces.

And, don’t forget those legislators who cannot wait to get their war on led by Karl Rove. These are the guys who did not fight in previous wars, but who just can’t seem to get enough of the fighting now. Just imagine Newt Gingrich finally being loosed on the enemy. I get chills. And, Dan Quayle can do more than just storm out of a concert. He can prove his mettle in battle. I think I speak for all of us when I say I cannot contain my excitement at seeing Trent Lott suit up in his battle fatigues. At least his hairpiece can get a much needed rest as he dons his helmet as everyday attire. And, really what is DeLay doing these days that is more important than battling the Islamic Satan? Stay the course fellas.

General Cheney can lead the geriatric unit. And, George Bush, Sr. can prove to us once and for all that he really was heroic, and not bailing out on his buddies. Tommy Thompson can join this unit and wave a different color flag depending on battle conditions. Surely, John Ashcroft is chomping at the bit to get involved. Let the eagles soar! That is the song that they sing into battle. Think of the thrill they will all feel at enacting the reality, “Onward, Christian Soldiers.” Kinda makes me tear up.

Don’t ask, don’t tell means that we can also enlist the Log Cabin Republicans, but it is likely that General Robertson will relegate them to KP and decorating the barracks. No stereo-typing there. Think of it, David Dreier could lead these guys and give new meaning to House Whip.

The Diplomatic Division will led by Condi and John Bolton as they vanquish the foes of freedom fries and democracy. They would no longer have to live vicariously through others by blocking cease fires, but instead could go right into battle to get that adrenaline rush they crave. Maybe Wolfowitz could join this crew. He has saved up his bloodlust until some worthy war might attract his attention.

In the mess hall these stalwart few could raise their glasses to the many storied movie battles of their hero Reagan and tell the tales of Nixonian struggles to establish unitary rule by expanding executive power (read re-establish the monarchy). And, Ollie North can be hailed in song as a tale of better days. Negroponte can establish death squads in the light of day, no excuses.

Gonzales and Yoo will, of course, be placed in charge of POW’s. Who else?

Let the battle rage safely away from the rest of us. We’re not worthy or interested. The war of the mighty and noisy right wing will rage on. Let them vanquish the Islamofascist foe.

Anyone wanna donate a desert? We can call it Battletopia. No? I would be willing to throw in South Dakota or better yet Crawford. First we need to leaflet the folks there. Don’t forget that. We want all us leftie pinkos all snuggly, safe, and sound.

And, since the right wing does not believe in equality for women, we can recruit Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Mean Jean Schmidt, Katy Harris and Laura Ingraham as war correspondents reporting on the big war, the war to end most wars between "good and evil." The down side of that, of course, is that no one will know if what they report is the truth. The up side? No one will care.

-Mags