Trump's Original Suggestions For His Garden Of American Heroes

-by Noah

Oh to be a fly on the wall in the oval office! Fortunately, we at DWT have use of alien tech which enables us to eavesdrop. Imagine our surprise when we went over our recordings and found this oval office dialog. We're proud to publish it as an exclusive. We've identified all of the participants by matching voice prints with known, public statements. Here's a portion. Enjoy!

Kellyanne Conway: Stephen Miller's on the phone for you Mr. President! (Grunt heard) Shall I take that burger tray away?

Traitor Don: Stephen! How was that late night rally you organized in Alabama this weekend? How'd it go?

Stephen Miller: Great attendance, Mr. President. Big numbers and none of that social distancing crap. Although, ha ha, everyone wore a mask, er, hood!

Traitor Don: Heh. Heh. Now that's great to hear. I've got some names for that Garden of American Heroes thing. Tell me what you think. Here goes. Me first. Biggest statue. Lots of hair. Then, I've got George Wallace, Limbaugh, Carlson, James Earl Ray... Vlad wants to be included so he's on. He's almost an American anyway and he's my hero! He has a nice idea for a monument to our partnership. He suggested the Rosenbergs so I've got them too. Not sure who they are but friends of Vlad are friends of mine! I've got Robert E. Lee, and Bull Connor, all four of those Minneapolis cops, real heroes those guys... We should invite them to the convention. They could do reenactments! Wow, wouldn't that be a great idea for a statue? And I see a statue of Wallace standing in a doorway. Conner has a firehose on full! It could be a fountain! With orangey lights! James Earl Ray taking aim! Maybe we could have a kind of booth at my garden where my fans get to shoot at a stand up of MLK on a balcony. My voters would love it. We could even sell red rifles and red bullets with MAGA on them! I've, this'll make you happy too, Stephen, Nathan Bedford Forest. My father told me all about him. He was dad's idol. Maybe we should put my dad on the list. There's no me without him! Lindsey Graham wants to be on the list but I don't know. You know...

Stephen Miller: Yeah, we'll never get the LGBTQ community vote anyway. Who else?

Traitor Don: J. Edgar!

Stephen Miller: No. Uh, a, same as...

Traitor Don: (Sputters) Really? You mean?

Kellyanne Conway: (Laughs) No way!

Traitor Don: But the FBI building is named after him! Damn, maybe that's why... Hey, how 'bout Timothy McVeigh? Now there's a great man who knew how to make a statement. Great ratings!

Stephen Miller: Could be. Something wrong about that place. Is Joe McCarthy on the list?

Traitor Don: Good one, Stephen. That's why I keep you around.

Stephen Miller: Strom Thurmond?

Traitor Don: Wasn't he a Democrat? No Democrats! None!

Stephen Miller: He was but he switched to our side when the Dems went soft on racism in the 60s. Don't worry he was always one of us. You need to add Hiram Wesley Evans, special favorite of mine! We could sell copies of The Rising Storm at the gift shop. And don't forget Q.

Traitor Don: Oh, OK. What about Wernher Von Braun. He was one of Adolf's boys... Space Force! Space Force! Space Force! Yay, Space Force! (Door heard opening and closing) Mikey! Just in time. Space Force! I'm on the phone here with Stephen. We're putting a list of great names for my American Heroes garden. Wernher Von Braun is on it.

Mike Pence: Who?

Traitor Don: Wernher Von Braun. The rocket guy!

Mike Pence: Oooh, I love rocket guys!

Stephen Miller: Get that idiot queer out of your office. He gives me the creeps.

Kellyanne Conway: We could have a Tomb Of The Unknown Anti-Semite.