DWT’s 2019 Holiday (Not Christmas) Gift Ideas For Republicans, Part 2: The Why Can’t Donnie Read Edition

-by Noah

I know that, generally, the idea of giving a book to a Republican seems, at first, unnatural but let’s be fair. Someone is buying all that printed sewage by Ann Coulter and even such Republican luminaries as Sarah Palin and Donald Trump put out books, whether they actually wrote them or could read them or not. Even Donnie Junior has a book out under his very own name. It’s even on the New York Times Best Seller List, although thanks only to the RNC’s bulk buying of whole warehouses of the thing. Yeah, Republicans, when you donate to the RNC, your money goes into buying future landfill. Congratulations!

So, come on. Are ya stuck for an idea of what to give that crazy Republican uncle or the guy next door with a Confederate flag on the porch and a swastika above his fireplace? How about a nice book? May I suggest:

1. The Night Dad Went To Jail?

I’m not sure if this one was written by one of the Trump offspring under a pseudonym but remember, it’s the thought that counts so tell your republican giftee that it was, step back and watch the confusion and consternation!

2. Or, there’s this, Donnie Junior’s book. He calls it Triggered but we know better. Variations include Tree Son, Figgered (actually available on Amazon), My Daddy Always Gets Me A Job No Matter How Often I Fuck Up! (I personally witness this phenomenon in the music business!) Fingered, and probably, Fuggered. Junior’s “book” has triggered a whole viral festival of parody titles.

My favorite may be Daddy Please Love Me, even though that one could be by any of the Trump mutant offspring. Who knew a Trump child could write anything more than a tweet? And why does Junior’s beard always look like Stephen Miller’s sad attempt at fake hair?

3. Gotta love this book suggestion! Dear F*cking Lunatic-101 Obscenely Rude Letters To Donald Trump. This one is one is a splendid compendium of righteous nastiness aimed at Trump’s boundless megalomania, narcissism, and brazen incompetence. Available on amazon and many of the few remaining bookstores in America. Buy it before Republicans start burning every copy they can find. There’s also a companion book appropriately titled Dear Fucking Moron-101 More Rude Letters To Donald Trump. You may want to send some of these to the White House yourself!

4. You know how Republicans hang on every tweet that their idol tweets out on his golden throne of a toilet? Well, thanks to the wonderful Trevor Noah and The Daily Show, there’s a whole book of ‘em! Working with Pulitzer winner Jon Meacham, Trevor Noah (no relation) has compiled The Donald J. Trump Presidential Twitter Library (Available on Amazon) The book is arranged in chapters

• The Masterpieces: In depth critical appreciations of hits like Stable Genius, Covfefe to Trump Tower Taco Bowl/I Love Hispanics!
• The Greatest Battles: @realDonaldTrump’s tweets against fellow Republicans, Diet Coke, women generally, and more.
• Sad! A Retrospective: Kind of an autobiography.
• Trumpstradamus: Trump’s amazing 140 character predictions, none of which came true.
• The Hall of Nicknames: Lyin’ Ted to Low I.Q. To Crazy Mika
• Trump vs. Trump: Hard to believe but, sometimes Señor Trumpanzee contradicts himself.
• Always The Bet: Trump’s greatest, most tremendous, bigly boasts of all time!

Now what Republican wouldn’t want a book like that? They’ll cherish every word.