Presenting DWT’s 2019 Holiday (Not Christmas) Gift Ideas For Republicans

-by Noah

Each year at this time, I, out of the innate goodness of my heart, compile a list of gifts that I find suitable for any Republican. Of course, the gifts will have no effect on the behavior of such people. You can never expect fanatics and the insane to change. After all, how can a simple gesture of such good will change an ill mind? But, there’s a big problem. What do you get if you want to give a republican a special gift that shows your Trump supporter that you’re thinking of them during this most wonderful time of the year? Don’t go giving them one of those stupid red MAGA “I’m With The KKK” or “I’m With Stupid” hats. They already have plenty of those. Likewise, they might already have a gross of Trump straws (Yes, they really exist.) They’re just like the ones their boy probably uses to snort crushed up Adderrall.)

So, without further ado, here’s the list for 2019.

1. First things first: I’m sure any Republican would welcome an English-Russian dictionary. I suggest the audiobook version, for obvious reasons.

2. President Predicto-- Donald Trump Fortune Teller Ball! Notice that on the packaging it says Age 6+. The makers of this gift surely took the intellect of the typical Republican into serious consideration. Know your market!

The makers of President Predicto also know that any Trump fan is the kind of person that will spend mindless hours and hours talking to a plastic ball.

How’s it work? Just ask President Predicto a question and, after some cheesy spooky music, Trump will answer in his own voice. What more could a member of the American Taliban want under a Christmas tree delivered fresh from a clearcut forest? President Predicto is, like everything else, available at amazon and, of course, Walmart. aka Trump Buyer’s Club. Special note: Trumpies really do like this product. If you want to really shake your head or fist, just read the comments for this product on its amazon page. I encourage those who enjoy supplying better comments to do so.

3. The Trump Twenty-Twenty Dollar Bill! What better gift to give the fan of a counterfeit president than a bit of counterfeit U.S. currency. It’s perfect for those idiots who’ve been writing Trump’s name on the backs of their twenty bills with arrows pointing right at two of the 20s in the corners. It’s available at lots of online locations and it even comes in variations that feature Melania (clothed, not naked). That special republican you know will also appreciate that it’s a Trump 20 and not a Harriet Tubman 20. As for me, I can’t help but think that, to have your face on U.S. currency, you have to be dead.

4. The Do It Yourself Rapture Machine! Got a Republican Jesus devotee on your list? How about you send them on their way to the great hereafter (aka the ultimate gated community) with this nifty Rapture Machine! Sure, it’s not available in stores but if you’re handy with tools and like wood-working, and I don’t necessarily mean in a Lindsey Graham kinda way, you can just look at the picture, run to the lumber yard and get started today! If there’s any lumber leftovers, give them that too, and watch them build a cross on their front yard with some friends and set fire to it.

5. Some nice Moscow Mitch Merch! Available from the Kentucky Democrats website. The Republican Cossack Hat is a must!

Well, that’s it for this year, almost. Tomorrow, I will be posting a fine list of books you might want to give to any Republicans that read books. Meanwhile, here’s a picture of the present I would welcome for Christmas. Any patriotic American would!