2018 In Review: The Paul Ryan Obituary, Homicidal Maniac With A Pen. The Whole World Is Watching, Part 6.

by Noah

Speaker Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan, the pride of Janesville, Wisconsin, is almost Ex-Speaker Paul "Crazy Eyes" Ryan now. On the long list of Speakers of the House, Ryan's tainted name will forever linger towards the bottom of the Speaker quality list. The mystery should be how did such a profoundly unqualified person get as far as he did, but, then you look around him and it adds a perfect perspective. In a Washington World of Louie Gohmerts and other single digit IQ wonders, the man whose IQ breaks 70 is bound to be king, or at least Speaker.

Ryan was just smart enough to float to the top like the gasbag he has no doubt been since birth. From there, he set out to hurt as many Americans as he possibly could with his efforts to have them suffer or die simply due to a lack of affordable medical care, and fighting to fill their air and streams with as many carcinogens as possible, all while sadistically dangling even low-paying jobs forever just out of their reach. Then there's his infamous role in the Trump/Ryan Tax Scam where he promised a booming economy that would lift all up the economic ladder. The economy went boom alright.

To top it all off, Paul Ryan wanted to used the deficit disaster results of his tax plotting as an excuse to do away with Medicare and Social Security altogether. In his outgoing speech he arrogantly stated that he regretted not getting to do that. He, like all Republicans, called Social Security an "entitlement" even though we paid for it with our own money every week of our working lives, unless of course, we made more than about $118,000 per year, in which case we paid nothing and still got it.

Ryan is a man who lived on his father's government benefits and even went to school on them, but, for Ryan and those like him, it will always be a case of "I got mine Jack. Screw you!" To top it off, Ryan will have a lifetime pension paid for by the people he devoted his life to screwing. Swell guy. Can you imagine being the child of such a villainous cretin? If that was my father, I would see my options as changing my name and running away asap, or doing the universe a big favor by burying him behind a fake wall in the basement. And then, as a final twist, I'd live off his benefits and pay for a law school education with them. It's always best in this world to have a strong sense of irony.

Most guys like Paul Ryan would never have gotten out of Janesville. He would have remained a townie all his life, perhaps starting out with a porno video store or doing classic late night TV ads for his own Paul Ryan Used Cars. It wouldn't have been just any used car lot either. It would have failed after enough people bought enough cars that suffered brake failure or broken axels as soon as the new owners drove them off the lot. He would have sold cars that came with cracked engine blocks and, most appropriately, leaking oil lines. The brake failures would have caused deaths but who cares? As the naive and gullible customers happily drove away, he would have waved and smirked the classic smirk he's known for as he counted the cash. He probably would have even had a side business of used watches that he slyly removed from the wrists of customers as he shook their hands.

Are you worried about what will become of Paul Ryan? Well, ideally, he'll go down for being an accessory to Trump and McConnell's crimes. Remember, he was in charge of Devin Nunes and his fake House investigation of Trump, But, no. Get real.

Instead you can expect Paul Ryan to be come a highly paid K Street Bagman. Or, maybe, he'll follow his role model Trump's past and become a racist landlord with a fake mail order university, bilking money from the fools who fall for his cons. Failing that, Pat Robertson will be dead soon and Ryan can replace him as a hate-filled fake Christian flim-flam man who spends his days blaming the world's problems on "The Gays" and Obama. He's got practice at that sort of thing and people will still stuff his pockets with cash.

Fuck you, Paul Ryan. And the pig you rode in on. Your very fraudulence and your cons will plague us all for a very long time. Real Americans, hurt by your evil, have already fantasized a thousand ways for you to meet your karmic payback. Mine involves you walking too close to the accelerating engine of a brand new Boing 787. What a damn, stinking mess.