Holiday Gift Ideas For Republicans: DWT’s Annual List Of Gift Suggestions For Malformed Minds!

by Noah

Yep. It’s that wonderful holiday time of year again! Oh joy! There’s a new drunk on the “Supreme” Court. The biggest tax scam ever is now in place thanks to greedy repugs and those who vote for them. Carcinogenic pollutants are now free to fill our air and water like never before. Kushner’s pal is carving up journalists whenever he takes time off from beheading women. Who says that republican in your life doesn’t deserve a special gift? Just be sure to say Merry Christmas!

And now, my suggestions, but first, please don’t consider giving some Republican dad or crazy uncle a tiki torch. That would be the most boring choice you could make. Republicans have garages full of tiki torches. Giving a tiki torch is like giving dad a tie.

1. Bone Saws! How about a bone saw? What could be more appropriate? I know when I think of Republicans, I think of bone saws! In fact, I advocate open carry of bone saws! Your Republican friends will love you! Although, you’ll have to personally demonstrate how they are used; and, kept sharpened for multiple use. If you wanna go the whole hog, accessory options include ropes and buckets. Remember, nothing says F U like a bone saw. Why not take one to Washington and toss it over the fence at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.? Send one to some lucky horse’s ass in Congress, too! Let them know your love with this symbolic gesture! MAGA! MAGA!

2. A Customizable Alibi Calendar! Got a Republican friend who’s been accused of rape? Attempted rape? Murder? I know, who doesn’t? But think how handy a nice E-Z-Wipe Calendar, made out of that same smooth material found in any white board in any conference room in America, would come in for any republican friend who as been accused of assaulting a woman, or, whatever, even screwing a porn star! Help your friend save that $130,000! Your friend can just wipe off any incriminating evidence from the past and write in that they were attending a prayer meeting miles away with Squee, Moose, PJ, Sheriff Joe, or, best of all, hanging out in a rural South Carolina motel with Lindsey Graham. Available in different sizes at the few remaining stationary stores, and, of course, on line.

3. Mushroom Hat- Inspired by Stormy Daniels! Get that Trumpie in your life ready for 2020 (if Trump makes it that far). Sure Ivanka has her own crappy shoe lines or whatever and Melania has her “I Really Don’t Care” jackets, but leave it to a porn star to come up with an idea for new Trump headgear. Who needs one of those “Hi, I’m a dumbass” MAGA hats when you can give them this? Nothing says Trump than a ‘shroom hat. MAGA straitjacket not available at this time.

4. A Book! – After you’ve found a Trump supporter that not only can read but also sensibly comprehend, why not gift them with a book? May I suggest “The Apprentice” by Greg Miller? Your giftee might even think it’s a love story. Sure, they will be fearful at first. So many words! So much longer than one of Dear Leader’s tweets! But give your abilities at the fine art of persuasion a real workout and try to cajole them into reading. Point out the cover. You know that as soon as they see their idol walking in the shadow of The Kremlin on the cover, a relaxed happy smile will result. They might even think it’s a love story. Tell them it’s sort of like a “Dr. Zhivago” set in the present day. And, since republicans hate trees, you can even point out that the killing of trees was involved in making the book!

Alternate Suggestion 1: “Assholes: A Theory Of Donald Trump” by Aaron James. Philosopher Aaron James wrote the best seller “Assholes: A Theory” several years ago. Back in 2016, he turned his thoughts to just one man, Donald Trump, hero of Republicans everywhere. James is a leading figure in the burgeoning field of Asshole Studies. You say you don’t believe this book actually exists? Look it up. Available on amazon, even in Kindle form.

Alternate suggestion 2: A copy of “Fear” by Bob Woodward. This book is best presented in audio book form, with the volume up to 11, by locking your Republican acquaintance or crazy Archie Bunker uncle in a room tied to a chair. Just close the door and leave, forever. Be sure to say Merry Christmas though. It’s the spirit of giving that counts.

5. A Confederate Flag- Until someone starts selling Confederate flag wee-wee pads, a plain old Confederate flag will have to do. Sure, it’s not a gift that requires a lot of imagination on your part, but BELIEVE ME, no gift would ever be appreciated more by any modern day Republican you have the misfortune to know! What better way for them to cherish the proud right wing heritage of hanging black people from trees!

Now, what would I give to a non-Republican? Well, I’d love to have Paul Ryan’s and Mitch McConnell’s Social Security numbers to give to everybody. Russia, if your listening… Don’t worry about their SS numbers being in the public domain. Both men, not to mention their wormy followers, don’t believe in Social Security and have publicly made it clear that they want to do away with it. Imagine what a wonderful world it would be if you could collect not just your Social Security check but theirs too!